{"id":18983,"date":"2016-03-30T16:00:46","date_gmt":"2016-03-30T12:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/?p=18983"},"modified":"2016-03-30T16:56:35","modified_gmt":"2016-03-30T12:56:35","slug":"s%c9%99hriyy%c9%99-q%c9%99z%c9%99nf%c9%99rqizi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/?p=18983","title":{"rendered":"\u015e\u0259hriyy\u0259 Q\u018fZ\u018fNF\u018fRQIZI.”Frans\u0131z q\u0131z\u0131 Bernar”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

P\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259nin arxas\u0131ndan k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259y\u0259 bax\u0131rd\u0131m. Ya\u011f\u0131\u015f \u00e7isk\u0259l\u0259yir, x\u0131rda damc\u0131lar \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259y\u0259 d\u0259yib a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fc. Dayanmadan d\u0259y\u0259n damc\u0131lardan \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259d\u0259 qalanlar\u0131 da var idi. Bilirdim ki, \u0259ks t\u0259r\u0259fd\u0259n \u00e7ox g\u00f6z\u0259l m\u0259nz\u0259r\u0259 yaranm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Ya\u011f\u0131\u015f damc\u0131lar\u0131 alt\u0131nda \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259 arxas\u0131ndan baxan, a\u00e7\u0131qsa\u00e7l\u0131, p\u0259jm\u00fcrd\u0259 bir q\u0131z. Romantik bir g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015fd\u00fcr. Ax\u0131 \u00f6z\u00fcm d\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259g\u0259limli, cazib\u0259dar idim. Ya\u011f\u0131\u015fla \u0259lbir olub yaratd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z m\u0259nz\u0259r\u0259y\u0259 heyran olmu\u015fdum. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm, bir fotoqraf olsayd\u0131, indi \u015f\u0259klimi \u00e7\u0259k\u0259rdi. Ya da ki, yox, r\u0259ssam olard\u0131, r\u0259smimi \u00e7\u0259k\u0259rdi. El\u0259 arzusunda idim ki, portretimi \u00e7\u0259kdirim. Ancaq \u201c salam, l\u00fctf\u0259n m\u0259nim r\u0259smimi \u00e7\u0259kin\u201d dey\u0259 yox. Kims\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fc r\u0259smimi \u00e7\u0259km\u0259k ist\u0259sin.
\n H\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 dan\u0131\u015fanda n\u0259n\u0259m dey\u0259rdi \u201c S\u0259n \u00f6z\u00fcn \u015f\u0259kil kimi q\u0131zsan. \u015e\u0259kili neynirs\u0259n?\u201d. Do\u011frudan da, \u015f\u0259kil kimi q\u0131zam. Bu g\u00fcn\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 qar\u015f\u0131 o q\u0259d\u0259r t\u0259rif e\u015fitmi\u015f\u0259m ki, says\u0131z-hesabs\u0131z. El\u0259 bir g\u00fcn yoxdur ki, m\u0259ni t\u0259rifl\u0259m\u0259sinl\u0259r. H\u0259rd\u0259n \u00f6z\u00fcm d\u0259 aynan\u0131n qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na ke\u00e7ib d\u0259qiq\u0259l\u0259rc\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 bax\u0131ram. Lap \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 vurulmu\u015fam. Tez-tez q\u0131sa \u0259t\u0259k geyib topuqlu ayaqqab\u0131lardaym\u0131\u015fam kimi ayaqlar\u0131m\u0131 da qald\u0131r\u0131ram. Podyumda y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015f\u0259m kimi el\u0259 hey dala-qaba\u011fa gedib boyaboy olan aynada \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 bax\u0131ram. Sevir\u0259m d\u0259 bel\u0259 aynalar\u0131. Gah da bel\u0259 pis \u00e7\u0131xmas\u0131n ana-b\u00fclb\u00fcl durub ayna \u00f6n\u00fcnd\u0259 metr\u0259ni d\u0259 \u0259lim\u0259 al\u0131b \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcl\u0259rimi yoxlay\u0131ram.
\n Dey\u0259s\u0259n, \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc siz\u0259 tan\u0131tma\u011f\u0131 unutdum ax\u0131. M\u0259nim ad\u0131m Bernard\u0131r. H\u0259, t\u0259\u0259cc\u00fcbl\u0259nm\u0259yin. Bilir\u0259m frans\u0131z ad\u0131d\u0131r, h\u0259m d\u0259 frans\u0131z ki\u015fisinin ad\u0131. M\u0259n \u00f6z\u00fcm d\u0259 \u201cfransujenkayam\u201d. \u018fsilli-n\u0259silli d\u0259, zahiri g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015fc\u0259 d\u0259. Ucaboylu, z\u0259rif b\u0259d\u0259nli, n\u0259cib g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015fl\u00fc frans\u0131z q\u0131z\u0131 Bernar. D\u0259niz dal\u011fas\u0131 kimi sa\u00e7lar\u0131m qulaqlar\u0131m\u0131n dibind\u0259n a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fcr. A\u011fb\u0259niz, bir az a\u00e7\u0131q qonur g\u00f6zl\u00fcy\u0259m. Bilir\u0259m m\u0259n \u00e7ox g\u00f6z\u0259l\u0259m. \u00d6z\u00fcm\u00fc t\u0259rifl\u0259mir\u0259m. Ba\u015fqalar\u0131 m\u0259ni t\u0259rifl\u0259yir. M\u0259n d\u0259 ki, \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc aynada g\u00f6rm\u0259yi bacar\u0131ram ax\u0131.
\n M\u0259nim ulu babam frans\u0131z olub. M\u0259n d\u0259 ona b\u0259nz\u0259mi\u015f\u0259m. El\u0259 Bernar onun ad\u0131d\u0131r ki, m\u0259n da\u015f\u0131y\u0131ram. Ail\u0259miz be\u015fn\u0259f\u0259rlikdir. Atam, anam v\u0259 biz-\u00fc\u00e7 bac\u0131. M\u0259n \u0259n b\u00f6y\u00fcy\u00fcy\u0259m. Babam\u0131n \u0259hdi olub ki, ilk n\u0259v\u0259min ad\u0131n\u0131 ata ad\u0131m\u0131 qoyacam. Bel\u0259c\u0259 m\u0259n Bernar olmu\u015fam. Do\u011frusu, ad\u0131m\u0131 da sevir\u0259m, milliyy\u0259timi d\u0259, \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc d\u0259. Ki\u015fi ad\u0131 olmas\u0131na r\u0259\u011fm\u0259n bu m\u0259nim ad\u0131md\u0131r-BERNAR. H\u0259r adama qism\u0259t olmur h\u0259m \u00f6z\u00fc, h\u0259m d\u0259 ad\u0131 qeyri-adi olsun. Bu m\u0259n\u0259 n\u0259sibdir. H\u0259r\u0259k\u0259tl\u0259rim, davran\u0131\u015f\u0131m \u00e7\u0131l\u011f\u0131ncad\u0131r. D\u0259c\u0259l\u0259m, \u015fulu\u011fam, zarafatc\u0131lam. Ancaq bu m\u0259n\u0259mmi? Onu bilmir\u0259m. M\u0259n\u0259 el\u0259 g\u0259lir m\u0259n h\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc tan\u0131m\u0131ram. Ya\u015f\u0131m yet\u0259rinc\u0259 olmas\u0131na baxmayaraq. Nec\u0259 ya\u015famaq ist\u0259diyimi, kim olmaq ist\u0259diyimi h\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 bilmir\u0259m. Yaln\u0131zca g\u00f6z\u0259l t\u0259rifl\u0259r al\u0131b, \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6z\u0259l g\u00f6st\u0259rm\u0259yi bacaran, \u015f\u0131ltaq kimi g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u0259n bir q\u0131z-BERNAR.
\n Orta m\u0259kt\u0259bi bitirm\u0259k \u0259r\u0259f\u0259sind\u0259 idim. H\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 hans\u0131 pe\u015f\u0259y\u0259 yiy\u0259l\u0259n\u0259c\u0259yimi bilmirdim. Sinif yolda\u015flar\u0131m h\u0259r\u0259si bir ali m\u0259kt\u0259b\u0259 haz\u0131rla\u015f\u0131rd\u0131lar. M\u0259n is\u0259 yaln\u0131z g\u00f6z\u0259llikl\u0259, g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015fl\u0259 ba\u011fl\u0131 bir pe\u015f\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm. M\u0259ni yolumdan d\u00f6nd\u0259rm\u0259k ist\u0259y\u0259nl\u0259r d\u0259 yox idi. Y\u0259qin ki, m\u0259nim ba\u015fqa sah\u0259d\u0259 bacar\u0131ql\u0131 ola bil\u0259c\u0259yimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fcrd\u00fcl\u0259r.
\n Bir g\u00fcn m\u0259kt\u0259bd\u0259 divar q\u0259zetini haz\u0131rlama\u011f\u0131 m\u0259n\u0259 tap\u015f\u0131rd\u0131lar. M\u00f6vzu m\u00fcharib\u0259 idi. R\u0259smi \u00f6z\u00fcm \u00e7\u0259km\u0259li oldum. \u018fli silahl\u0131 \u0259sg\u0259rl\u0259r, yer\u0259 s\u0259rilmi\u015f d\u00fc\u015fm\u0259n meyitl\u0259ri, qan, havadak\u0131 m\u00fcharib\u0259 g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fc bel\u0259 t\u0259svir etdim. \u00c7ox ustal\u0131qla i\u015fl\u0259mi\u015fdim. R\u0259ngli boyalarla. Bu r\u0259smi m\u0259nim \u00e7\u0259kdiyim\u0259 inanmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131lar. D\u00fcz\u00fc, \u00f6z\u00fcm d\u0259 inanmad\u0131m. Sanki i\u00e7imd\u0259 yeni bir Bernar yaranm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Yox, o Bernar deyildi. Daha \u00e7ox H\u0259c\u0259r\u0259, Nigara b\u0259nz\u0259yirdi. \u0130\u00e7ind\u0259 v\u0259t\u0259n sevgisi, d\u00fc\u015fm\u0259n nifr\u0259ti ya\u015fadan biri. H\u0259m d\u0259 z\u0259rif barmaqlarla bu g\u00f6z\u0259lliyi a\u011f v\u0259r\u0259q\u0259 da\u015f\u0131yan inc\u0259, \u00fcrk\u0259k bir q\u0131z. Bu divar ka\u011f\u0131z\u0131 m\u0259nim d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnc\u0259l\u0259rimi d\u0259yi\u015fm\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. H\u0259yatdak\u0131 tale a\u00e7ar\u0131m olmu\u015fdu. M\u0259n \u00f6z taleyimi \u00f6z\u00fcm yazacaqd\u0131m. \u00d6z\u00fcm\u00fc oldu\u011fum kimi \u00f6z d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnc\u0259l\u0259rimin a\u011fu\u015funa t\u0259slim ed\u0259c\u0259kdim. Onlar\u0131n apard\u0131\u011f\u0131 yerl\u0259rd\u0259 var olacaqd\u0131m.
\n \u018fvv\u0259lki \u00e7\u0131l\u011f\u0131n q\u0131z yava\u015f-yava\u015f m\u0259hv olurdu. Onun yerini art\u0131q m\u0259qs\u0259dli biri z\u0259bt edirdi. O daha g\u00fccl\u00fc, irad\u0259li idi.
\n Zamanla ad\u0131m da m\u0259nd\u0259 q\u0131c\u0131q yarad\u0131rd\u0131. \u0130lk d\u0259f\u0259 tan\u0131\u015f oldu\u011fum birinin ad\u0131m\u0131 bir ne\u00e7\u0259 d\u0259f\u0259 soru\u015fmas\u0131 m\u0259ni bezdirirdi. Bu ad bel\u0259 m\u0259nim deyildi. M\u0259n\u0259 yad idi. Niy\u0259 m\u0259n d\u0259 ba\u015fqalar\u0131 kimi sakit ya\u015fama\u011f\u0131 bacarmay\u0131m? Hans\u0131sa bir i\u015fin qulpundan tutub sonad\u0259k adi bir h\u0259yat ya\u015fama\u011f\u0131 bacarmay\u0131m? Bu suallar m\u0259ni g\u00fcnd\u0259n-g\u00fcn\u0259 daha \u00e7ox narahat etm\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. \u00d6z\u00fcm\u0259 h\u0259yatda yer tapmaq ist\u0259yirdim, n\u0259hay\u0259t ki. Bacard\u0131\u011f\u0131m, arzusunda oldu\u011fum bir i\u015fi g\u00f6rm\u0259k ist\u0259yirdim. Bilirdim, m\u0259n bacaraca\u011fam.
\n Ad\u0131m\u0131n m\u0259nd\u0259 m\u0259nfi hisl\u0259r yaratd\u0131\u011f\u0131 vaxt idi. Burul\u011fan i\u00e7in\u0259 d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fcm. Evd\u0259ki b\u00fct\u00fcn d\u0259ft\u0259rl\u0259rd\u0259 a\u011f v\u0259r\u0259q axtar\u0131b a\u011fl\u0131ma g\u0259l\u0259n \u015f\u0259kill\u0259ri \u00e7\u0259kirdim. G\u00fcnd\u0259n-g\u00fcn\u0259 \u00e7\u0259kdiyim \u015f\u0259kill\u0259r daha \u00e7ox xo\u015fuma g\u0259lirdi.
\n Yen\u0259 ya\u011f\u0131\u015f ya\u011f\u0131rd\u0131. Damc\u0131lar qumun \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 qonark\u0259n torpaqda yaratd\u0131\u011f\u0131 r\u0259sm\u0259 tama\u015fa edirdim. Bu aralarda Fransan\u0131n \u00e7ox da m\u0259\u015fhur olmayan r\u0259ssam\u0131yla tan\u0131\u015f oldum. Ad\u0131, ya\u015fad\u0131qlar\u0131, \u0259s\u0259rl\u0259ri m\u0259nd\u0259n b\u0259hs edirdi. B\u0259s niy\u0259 o q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259 m\u0259\u015fhur deyil? Ax\u0131 bu ad\u0131 da\u015f\u0131yanlar azla qane olmamal\u0131d\u0131rlar.
\n O r\u0259ssam m\u0259ni burul\u011fandan \u00e7\u0131xard\u0131. Bernar Buffe-frans\u0131z r\u0259ssam\u0131. \u018fs\u0259rl\u0259riyl\u0259 tan\u0131\u015f olanda \u00f6z bacar\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 tapd\u0131m onlarda. M\u0259nim dem\u0259k ist\u0259diyim fikirl\u0259ri, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnc\u0259l\u0259ri q\u0259l\u0259m\u0259 alm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 o, \u00f6z \u0259s\u0259rl\u0259rind\u0259. Daha \u00e7ox \u00e7\u0131lpaq qad\u0131n v\u0259 ki\u015fi \u015f\u0259kill\u0259ri diqq\u0259timi c\u0259lb etdi. \u018fks\u0259r vaxtlarda bel\u0259 \u015f\u0259kill\u0259r g\u00f6z\u0259l r\u0259sm \u0259s\u0259rl\u0259ri say\u0131l\u0131r. Ancaq Buffenin \u0259s\u0259rl\u0259rind\u0259ki bu \u00e7\u0131lpaq qad\u0131nlar \u00e7irkab\u0131yla yadda qal\u0131rd\u0131. \u0130nsanlar\u0131n daxilind\u0259ki pislikl\u0259ri \u00f6z sad\u0259 q\u0259l\u0259miyl\u0259 nec\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259l g\u00f6st\u0259rmi\u015fdi. Bu r\u0259ssamla tan\u0131\u015fl\u0131q m\u0259nim \u00f6z\u00fcml\u0259 tan\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131m idi. M\u0259n bu r\u0259siml\u0259r\u0259 baxark\u0259n \u0259slind\u0259 n\u0259 ist\u0259diyimi, kim olmaq ist\u0259diyimi anlad\u0131m. Bir zamanlar yar\u0131\u00e7\u0131lpaq geyinib ayna qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda \u00f6z\u00fcmd\u0259n z\u00f6vq ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u00fcnl\u0259ri xat\u0131rlad\u0131m. \u00d6z\u00fcmd\u0259n utand\u0131m. Bu frans\u0131z r\u0259ssam m\u0259n\u0259 ka\u011f\u0131zlar\u0131n arxas\u0131ndan elm \u00f6yr\u0259tdi. \u018fxlaq elmi.
\n Bu g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015fl\u0259 model, teleapar\u0131c\u0131, aktrisa bel\u0259 olmaq vark\u0259n , m\u0259n \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc sad\u0259 karanda\u015fda tapd\u0131m. M\u0259n \u0259slind\u0259 bu imi\u015f\u0259m. D\u00fcnyan\u0131 bir karanda\u015f ucunda g\u00f6r\u0259n BERNAR. Ya\u015fam da, \u00f6l\u00fcm d\u0259, sevgi d\u0259, nifr\u0259t d\u0259, g\u00f6z\u0259llik d\u0259, \u00e7irkab da o karanda\u015f\u0131n ucunda imi\u015f. M\u0259nim \u015f\u0131ltaq zarafatlar\u0131m is\u0259 o q\u0259l\u0259min yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 pozan ki\u00e7ik rezin par\u00e7as\u0131 il\u0259 silindi sanki.
\n P\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259nin arxas\u0131ndan k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259y\u0259 bax\u0131rd\u0131m. Ya\u011f\u0131\u015f \u00e7isk\u0259l\u0259yir, x\u0131rda damc\u0131lar \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259y\u0259 d\u0259yib a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fc. Dayanmadan d\u0259y\u0259n damc\u0131lardan \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259d\u0259 qalanlar\u0131 da var idi. Bilirdim ki, \u0259ks t\u0259r\u0259fd\u0259n \u00e7ox g\u00f6z\u0259l m\u0259nz\u0259r\u0259 yaranm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Ya\u011f\u0131\u015f damc\u0131lar\u0131 alt\u0131nda \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259 arxas\u0131ndan baxan, a\u015f\u0131qsa\u00e7l\u0131, p\u0259jm\u00fcrd\u0259 bir q\u0131z. Romantik bir g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015fd\u00fcr.
\n Bu, m\u0259nim \u0259ks t\u0259r\u0259fd\u0259n \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 baxaraq \u00e7\u0259kdiyim ilk avtoportretim idi.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

P\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259nin arxas\u0131ndan k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259y\u0259 bax\u0131rd\u0131m. Ya\u011f\u0131\u015f \u00e7isk\u0259l\u0259yir, x\u0131rda damc\u0131lar \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259y\u0259 d\u0259yib a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fc. Dayanmadan d\u0259y\u0259n damc\u0131lardan \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259d\u0259 qalanlar\u0131 da var idi. Bilirdim ki, \u0259ks t\u0259r\u0259fd\u0259n \u00e7ox g\u00f6z\u0259l m\u0259nz\u0259r\u0259 yaranm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Ya\u011f\u0131\u015f damc\u0131lar\u0131 alt\u0131nda \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259 arxas\u0131ndan baxan, a\u00e7\u0131qsa\u00e7l\u0131, p\u0259jm\u00fcrd\u0259 bir q\u0131z. Romantik bir g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015fd\u00fcr. Ax\u0131 \u00f6z\u00fcm d\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259g\u0259limli, cazib\u0259dar idim. Ya\u011f\u0131\u015fla \u0259lbir olub yaratd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z m\u0259nz\u0259r\u0259y\u0259 heyran olmu\u015fdum. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18983","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-edeb"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18983","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=18983"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18983\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":18992,"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18983\/revisions\/18992"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=18983"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=18983"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=18983"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}