{"id":27046,"date":"2018-05-15T06:00:19","date_gmt":"2018-05-15T02:00:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/?p=27046"},"modified":"2018-05-15T10:42:23","modified_gmt":"2018-05-15T06:42:23","slug":"ilah%c9%99-imanova-elci-zanbaqlar-povestinin-davami","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/?p=27046","title":{"rendered":"\u0130lah\u0259 \u0130MANOVA.”El\u00e7i zanbaqlar” (Povestinin davam\u0131)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

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\n\u0130nsan t\u0259bi\u0259ti bel\u0259dir. Bir ne\u00e7\u0259 g\u00fcn xo\u015f s\u00fcrprizl\u0259r\u0259 \u00f6yr\u0259\u015f\u0259nd\u0259, sonra g\u00f6zl\u0259rin qap\u0131da qal\u0131r, yen\u0259 d\u0259 n\u0259 is\u0259 g\u00f6zl\u0259yir, \u00fcmid edirs\u0259n. Bu g\u00f6zl\u0259ntil\u0259r b\u0259z\u0259n o q\u0259d\u0259r \u00e7ox v\u0259 s\u0259nin \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259n g\u00fccl\u00fc olur ki, hissl\u0259rin m\u0259ng\u0259n\u0259sind\u0259 aciz, \u00e7ar\u0259siz qal\u0131rsan.
\nBu g\u00fcn h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259ki adi, s\u0131radan g\u00fcnl\u0259rd\u0259n biri olaraq davam etm\u0259kd\u0259 idi. H\u0259r g\u00fcn t\u0259krarlanan i\u015fl\u0259r can\u0131m\u0131 s\u0131xmaqda idi. \u018fslind\u0259 is\u0259, can\u0131m\u0131 s\u0131xan yekn\u0259s\u0259qlik deyil, g\u00f6zl\u0259diyim f\u0259rqliliyin ba\u015f verm\u0259m\u0259si idi.
\nG\u00fcnortadan xeyli ke\u00e7m\u0259sin\u0259 baxmayaraq, dey\u0259s\u0259n, bu g\u00fcn unudulmu\u015fdum. \u00dc\u00e7 g\u00fcn ard\u0131c\u0131l ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m zanbaqlar m\u0259nd\u0259 nastalji hissl\u0259ri oyatm\u0131\u015f, ke\u00e7mi\u015fin xo\u015f xatir\u0259l\u0259rini canland\u0131rm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 i\u00e7imd\u0259. H\u0259r d\u0259f\u0259 d\u0259hlizd\u0259 add\u0131m s\u0259sl\u0259ri e\u015fid\u0259nd\u0259, qap\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131landa qeyri-ixtiyari ota\u011fa daxil olan katib\u0259min \u0259lin\u0259 bax\u0131rd\u0131m. \u018fll\u0259rini bo\u015f g\u00f6r\u0259nd\u0259, etiraf edim ki, \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fcm.
\n\u00d6z\u00fcm\u00fc on doqquz\u2013iyirmi ya\u015fl\u0131 h\u0259min t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 q\u0131z kimi hiss etm\u0259kd\u0259 idim bu g\u00fcn. Says\u0131z-hesabs\u0131z qay\u011f\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131n i\u00e7ind\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc xo\u015fb\u0259xt hiss ed\u0259n o q\u0131z \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn dar\u0131x\u0131rd\u0131m. G\u00fczg\u00fcd\u0259n boylanan, g\u00f6zl\u0259rimin i\u00e7in\u0259 baxaraq g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259y\u0259n h\u0259min \u015f\u0259n, \u00e7\u0131l\u011f\u0131n q\u0131za, h\u0259tta bu g\u00fcn pax\u0131ll\u0131\u011f\u0131m bel\u0259 tuturdu. Bir insan\u0131n dig\u0259rl\u0259rin\u0259 olan h\u0259s\u0259dini anlaya bil\u0259r\u0259m, amma bir insan\u0131n \u00f6z\u00fcn\u0259, \u00f6z ke\u00e7mi\u015fin\u0259, xo\u015fb\u0259xt xatir\u0259l\u0259rin\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc q\u0131sqanmaq hissini anlamayacaq q\u0259d\u0259r \u00fczg\u00fcn idim bu g\u00fcn. <\/p>\n

…Rauf g\u0259l\u0259c\u0259yi g\u00fcn\u00fc bil\u0259r\u0259kd\u0259n x\u0259b\u0259r etm\u0259mi\u015f, m\u0259n\u0259 s\u00fcrpriz etm\u0259k ist\u0259mi\u015f v\u0259 buna da nail olmu\u015fdu.
\nH\u0259min ax\u015fam nar\u0131n ya\u011f\u0131\u015f ya\u011fmas\u0131na baxmayaraq, yen\u0259 d\u0259 d\u0259nizk\u0259nar\u0131 il\u0259 g\u0259zinir, i\u00e7imd\u0259 gah d\u0259nizl\u0259, gah da Raufla s\u00f6hb\u0259tl\u0259\u015firdim. D\u0259f\u0259l\u0259rl\u0259 dar\u0131xd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 p\u0131\u00e7\u0131lday\u0131r, \u00f6z-\u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 t\u0259s\u0259lli verib onun da m\u0259nim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn dar\u0131xd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6yl\u0259yirdim.
\n\u2500Xan\u0131m q\u0131z! Deyir\u0259m, b\u0259lk\u0259 ax\u015fam\u0131n bu saat\u0131nda, \u00f6z\u00fc d\u0259 bel\u0259 havada t\u0259k g\u0259zib dolanmayas\u0131z… B\u0259lk\u0259 siz\u0259 yolda\u015fl\u0131q edim, t\u0259nhal\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 b\u00f6l\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm…
\nT\u0259klif\u0259 bax! C\u0259sar\u0259t\u0259 bax! \u018fs\u0259bi halda geri \u00e7evrilib pay\u0131n\u0131 verm\u0259y\u0259 haz\u0131rla\u015f\u0131rd\u0131m ki, yerimd\u0259 donub qald\u0131m. Bir anl\u0131\u011fa n\u0259 ed\u0259c\u0259yimi, n\u0259 dey\u0259c\u0259yimi bilm\u0259dim. T\u0259klifi ed\u0259n bir ba\u015fqas\u0131 deyil, s\u0259sini d\u0259yi\u015f\u0259n Raufun el\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fc idi. Budur, qar\u015f\u0131mda idi. \u0130ki ayl\u0131q ayr\u0131l\u0131qdan sonra yen\u0259 d\u0259 g\u00f6zl\u0259rimin i\u00e7in\u0259 bax\u0131b g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259yirdi.
\n\u2500Rauf!\u2013dey\u0259r\u0259k boynuna sar\u0131ld\u0131m. Aylar\u0131n h\u0259sr\u0259ti bu an\u0131n sevincin\u0259 qar\u0131\u015f\u0131b g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131mla yanaqlar\u0131mdan \u00fcz\u00fca\u015fa\u011f\u0131 s\u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fc.
\n\u2500Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n b\u0259las\u0131! Bils\u0259n ki s\u0259nin \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r dar\u0131xm\u0131\u015fam!\u2013dey\u0259r\u0259k belimi qucaqlad\u0131, bir q\u0259d\u0259r f\u0131rlay\u0131b yer\u0259 qoydu. N\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rini \u00fcz\u00fcmd\u0259n \u00e7\u0259km\u0259d\u0259n bir \u0259li il\u0259 sa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131, yanaqlar\u0131m\u0131 ox\u015fay\u0131r, dig\u0259r \u0259li il\u0259 ovcundak\u0131 \u0259limi s\u0131x\u0131rd\u0131.
\n\u0130ll\u0259rin h\u0259sr\u0259tlil\u0259ri kimi bir-birimiz\u0259 sar\u0131lm\u0131\u015fd\u0131q. Ya\u011fan ya\u011f\u0131\u015f\u0131 bel\u0259 unutmu\u015fduq. H\u0259r k\u0259si unutmu\u015fduq. D\u0259niz, s\u0259ma, ya\u011fan ya\u011f\u0131\u015f, m\u0259n v\u0259 Rauf… B\u00fct\u00fcn d\u00fcnyan\u0131n f\u00f6vq\u00fcnd\u0259 idik.
\nZaman\u0131n dayanmas\u0131n\u0131, bu an\u0131n he\u00e7 bitm\u0259m\u0259sini arzu edirdim. Raufun \u00fcr\u0259k d\u00f6y\u00fcnt\u00fcl\u0259rini, isti n\u0259f\u0259sini hiss edirdim. Sevdiyim insan\u0131n qollar\u0131 aras\u0131nda olmaq xo\u015fb\u0259xtliyin \u0259n son h\u0259ddi idi m\u0259nim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn. Sevirdim! Sevildiyimi d\u0259 bilirdim. Sevginin n\u0259 oldu\u011funu da, ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n, h\u0259sr\u0259tin n\u0259 oldu\u011funu da, ac\u0131s\u0131 kimi, v\u00fcsal\u0131n\u0131n da \u015firinliyini Rauf ya\u015fatm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 m\u0259n\u0259. \u018fll\u0259rinin sa\u00e7lar\u0131mdak\u0131, yanaqlar\u0131mdak\u0131 tumar\u0131, ovcumdak\u0131 h\u0259rar\u0259ti, \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 toxunan isti n\u0259f\u0259si ruhumun dil\u0259 g\u0259lib \u201cS\u0259ni sevir\u0259m\u201d dey\u0259 hayq\u0131rmaq ist\u0259yini art\u0131r\u0131rd\u0131.
\nRaufun h\u00fcnd\u00fcrd\u0259n dediyi s\u00f6zl\u0259rin kiml\u0259rins\u0259 diqq\u0259tini \u00e7\u0259k\u0259c\u0259yind\u0259n ehtiyat edirdim. O is\u0259 buna \u0259h\u0259miyy\u0259t vermir, daha da s\u0259sini y\u00fcks\u0259ldirdi:
\n\u2500Qoy ham\u0131 e\u015fitsin: Bu q\u0131z\u0131 sevir\u0259m! Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n b\u0259las\u0131! S\u0259ni sevir\u0259m! S\u0259ni \u00e7ooox sevir\u0259m!
\nSevinc g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131m ya\u011fan ya\u011f\u0131\u015f\u0131n damlalar\u0131 il\u0259 yana\u011f\u0131mdan \u00e7\u0259n\u0259m\u0259 s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fc. He\u00e7 vaxt olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m q\u0259d\u0259r xo\u015fb\u0259xt idim.
\n\u018fll\u0259rini islanm\u0131\u015f sa\u00e7lar\u0131mda g\u0259zdirib gah belimi qucaqlay\u0131r, gah da \u0259limd\u0259n, \u00fcz\u00fcmd\u0259n, aln\u0131mdan \u00f6p\u00fcrd\u00fc. Yan\u0131m\u0131zdan \u00f6t\u00fcb ke\u00e7\u0259nl\u0259rin diqq\u0259tini \u00e7\u0259kdiyimizi g\u00f6rd\u00fckd\u0259 is\u0259, \u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc onlara tutub \u201cBa\u015f\u0131m\u0131n b\u0259las\u0131d\u0131r! Sevir\u0259m onu!\u201d deyirdi. Utand\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan, x\u0259cal\u0259td\u0259n gizl\u0259nm\u0259y\u0259 yerim d\u0259 olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan tez ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 k\u00f6ks\u00fcn\u0259 s\u0131x\u0131r, \u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc gizl\u0259tm\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131m.
\n\u0130slanm\u0131\u015f\u0131n ya\u011f\u0131\u015fdan n\u0259 qorxusu, deyirl\u0259r. Bir k\u0259nara \u00e7\u0259kilm\u0259k, daldalanmaq he\u00e7 birimizin a\u011fl\u0131na g\u0259lm\u0259mi\u015fdi. O q\u0259d\u0259r xo\u015fb\u0259xt idik ki, bir-birimizd\u0259n ba\u015fqa he\u00e7 n\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u0259 bilm\u0259mi\u015fdik. Raufun \u00f6z sevgi etiraflar\u0131 il\u0259 diqq\u0259tini \u00e7\u0259k\u0259 bildiyi orta ya\u015flar\u0131nda bir rus qad\u0131n \u0259lind\u0259ki \u00e7\u0259tiri biz\u0259 verib t\u0259l\u0259sik uzaqla\u015fd\u0131\u011f\u0131 an tamamil\u0259 island\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n f\u0259rqin\u0259 varm\u0131\u015fd\u0131q.
\n\u00c7\u0259tir tutma\u011f\u0131n el\u0259 d\u0259 bir \u0259h\u0259miyy\u0259ti qalmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Onsuz da islanm\u0131\u015fd\u0131q. Buna baxmayaraq, Rauf \u00e7\u0259tird\u0259n imtina etm\u0259k fikrind\u0259 deyildi.
\n\u015e\u0259h\u0259rin gec\u0259 m\u0259nz\u0259r\u0259si, tutqun s\u0259ma, d\u0259nizd\u0259n \u0259s\u0259n x\u0259fif meh, ya\u011fan ya\u011f\u0131\u015f v\u0259 biz…
\nHe\u00e7 vaxt \u0259limi buraxmayaca\u011f\u0131na \u0259min oldu\u011fum insan\u0131n n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259ri \u00fcz\u00fcmd\u0259 g\u0259zir, n\u0259f\u0259si boynuma toxunurdu. Raufun p\u0131\u00e7\u0131lt\u0131 il\u0259 dediyi:
\n\u2500S\u0259ni \u00e7ox sevir\u0259m!\u2013s\u00f6zl\u0259rini e\u015fitdiyim an qeyri-ixtiyari g\u00f6zl\u0259rimi yumdum. \u0130lk d\u0259f\u0259 dodaqlar\u0131ma toxunan dodaqlar\u0131n h\u0259rar\u0259ti b\u00fct\u00fcn varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 titr\u0259tm\u0259kd\u0259 idi. \u0130nc\u0259 v\u0259 z\u0259rif toxunu\u015f q\u0259lbimin d\u0259rinlikl\u0259rin\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r i\u015fl\u0259yirdi. Sanki bir yuxu idi. Bu yuxudan ay\u0131lmaq, bu ya\u011fmurlu gec\u0259nin bitm\u0259sini ist\u0259mirdim.<\/p>\n

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\nYen\u0259 d\u0259 soyuq, t\u0259nha ev… Qap\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131b i\u00e7\u0259ri girdiyim d\u0259qiq\u0259d\u0259n divarlar m\u0259ni s\u0131xma\u011fa ba\u015flam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Xatir\u0259l\u0259rim, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnc\u0259l\u0259rim d\u0259 getdikc\u0259 artan p\u0259ri\u015fanl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n \u0259sl s\u0259b\u0259bi idi. M\u0259tb\u0259x\u0259 ke\u00e7ib \u00e7aydan\u0131n alt\u0131n\u0131 yand\u0131rd\u0131m. Soyuducunu a\u00e7\u0131b d\u00fcn\u0259n ax\u015famdan bi\u015firdiyim dolmadan bir ne\u00e7\u0259sini a\u011fz\u0131ma atd\u0131m. Bu g\u00fcn he\u00e7 n\u0259 yem\u0259s\u0259m d\u0259, he\u00e7 i\u015ftaham da yox idi.
\n\u00d6z\u00fcm\u0259 \u00e7ay s\u00fcz\u00fcb divanda oturdum. Bir az fikirl\u0259rimi da\u011f\u0131tmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn televizoru yand\u0131rd\u0131m. R\u0259smi x\u0259b\u0259rl\u0259r, \u0259yl\u0259nc\u0259 verili\u015fl\u0259ri sevgid\u0259n b\u0259hs ed\u0259n melodram v\u0259 seriallar kimi maraqs\u0131z idi. Televizoru s\u00f6nd\u00fcr\u00fcb pultu bir k\u0259nara qoydum.
\nFincan\u0131 \u0259limd\u0259 tutub nec\u0259 fikr\u0259 dalm\u0131\u015fd\u0131msa, az qala isti \u00e7ay\u0131 \u00fcst\u00fcm\u0259 da\u011f\u0131dacaqd\u0131m. Yerl\u0259-g\u00f6y aras\u0131nda idim bu an. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr, ke\u00e7mi\u015f xatir\u0259l\u0259ri beynimd\u0259 canland\u0131r\u0131r, gah \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc q\u0131nay\u0131r, gah da \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 haqq qazand\u0131r\u0131rd\u0131m.<\/p>\n

H\u0259min g\u00fcn bir yerd\u0259 oturub \u015fam etm\u0259yi Rauf \u00f6z\u00fc m\u0259n\u0259 t\u0259klif etmi\u015fdi. T\u0259klifini q\u0259bul ed\u0259rk\u0259n, \u00e7ox ciddi bir m\u00f6vzudan s\u00f6z a\u00e7aca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fcm. H\u0259tta, fikrimd\u0259n m\u0259n\u0259 evl\u0259nm\u0259 t\u0259klifi ed\u0259c\u0259yini ke\u00e7irtmi\u015fdim. Restorandak\u0131 romantik ab-hava, h\u0259zin musiqi bu c\u00fcr d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u0259yim\u0259 \u0259sas verirdi.
\nAd\u0259t\u0259n dan\u0131\u015f\u0131b-g\u00fcl\u0259n, m\u0259z\u0259li s\u00f6hb\u0259tl\u0259rl\u0259 kefimi a\u00e7an, zarafat\u0131ndan qalmayan Rauf bu g\u00fcn \u00e7ox sakit v\u0259 susqun idi. Arabir g\u00f6zl\u0259rimin i\u00e7in\u0259 bax\u0131b g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259yir, sonra yen\u0259 d\u0259 n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rini yay\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131rd\u0131. \u00dcz\u00fcnd\u0259ki ifad\u0259 yor\u011funluq ifad\u0259sind\u0259n daha \u00e7ox g\u0259rgin oldu\u011fundan x\u0259b\u0259r verirdi. \u018flind\u0259ki \u00e7\u0259ng\u0259li gah sa\u011fa, gah sola f\u0131rlay\u0131rd\u0131. \u0130\u015f g\u00fcn\u00fcn\u00fcn sonu olmas\u0131na baxmayaraq, i\u015ftahas\u0131 olana b\u0259nz\u0259mirdi he\u00e7.
\n\u2500Rauf! \u2013d\u00f6zm\u0259yib dill\u0259ndim.
\nBa\u015f\u0131n\u0131 qald\u0131r\u0131b \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 baxd\u0131, g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259di:
\n\u2500Ay caan!
\n\u2500Yax\u015f\u0131san? \u2013soru\u015fdum.
\n\u00d6z\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 vadar etdiyi s\u00f6n\u00fck bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131ndan hiss olunurdu. Bir anl\u0131q \u00fcz\u00fcmd\u0259 g\u0259z\u0259n n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259ri yenid\u0259n bo\u015fqaba y\u00f6n\u0259ldi.
\n\u018flini tutub soru\u015fdum:
\n\u2500Rauf, n\u0259s\u0259 olub? \u2013Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 yell\u0259di. \u2013Evd\u0259 salamat\u00e7\u0131l\u0131qd\u0131?
\n\u2500\u015e\u00fck\u00fcr, \u2013deyib susdu yen\u0259.
\n\u2500B\u0259s i\u015fd\u0259? H\u0259r \u015fey qaydas\u0131ndad\u0131r?
\n\u018flimi dodaqlar\u0131na yax\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131rd\u0131:
\n\u2500H\u0259r \u015fey yax\u015f\u0131d\u0131r, can\u0131m.
\n\u2500B\u0259s niy\u0259 bel\u0259s\u0259n? \u2013sual\u0131m dey\u0259s\u0259n onu \u00e7\u0259tin v\u0259ziyy\u0259t\u0259 sald\u0131. Cavab\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6zl\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 s\u0259brim \u00e7atmad\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan s\u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 davam etdim, \u2013Cismin burdad\u0131r, ruhun is\u0259 ba\u015fqa bir yerl\u0259rd\u0259 dola\u015fmaqdad\u0131r. Burda deyils\u0259n, Rauf…
\n\u018flimi ovcunda s\u0131x\u0131b tumarlad\u0131, t\u0259krar dodaqlar\u0131na yax\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131rd\u0131:
\n\u2500Ba\u011f\u0131\u015fla, can\u0131m, h\u0259qiq\u0259t\u0259n bir az yor\u011funam, \u00e7ox g\u0259rgin bir g\u00fcn ya\u015fam\u0131\u015fam. S\u0259n narahat olma amma… Yax\u015f\u0131?
\nG\u00f6zl\u0259rinin i\u00e7in\u0259 baxma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsam da, h\u0259r d\u0259f\u0259 yay\u0131nd\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259ri dey\u0259 bilm\u0259diyi, amma \u0259slind\u0259 \u00e7ox ciddi bir problemi oldu\u011funu \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259n oxuma\u011f\u0131m \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn kifay\u0259t edirdi.
\nBa\u015f\u0131n\u0131 qald\u0131r\u0131b \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259, daha sonra qar\u015f\u0131mdak\u0131 dolu bo\u015fqaba n\u0259z\u0259r sald\u0131.
\n\u2500Xo\u015funa g\u0259lm\u0259dis\u0259, ba\u015fqa n\u0259 is\u0259 sifari\u015f ver\u0259k.
\n\u2500Yox, i\u015ftaham yoxdu, \u2013dedim.
\n\u018fli il\u0259 \u00f6z bo\u015fqab\u0131n\u0131 da geri it\u0259l\u0259yib:
\n\u2500D\u00fcz\u00fc, el\u0259 m\u0259nim d\u0259 i\u015ftaham yoxdu, \u2013dedi v\u0259 bir m\u00fcdd\u0259t yen\u0259 d\u0259 g\u00f6zl\u0259rini bir n\u00f6qt\u0259y\u0259 zill\u0259yib susdu.
\nM\u0259n d\u0259 susurdum. Deyil\u0259c\u0259k s\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcz yox idi bu g\u00fcn. G\u00f6zl\u0259diyim, x\u0259yal etdiyim h\u0259r \u015feyin \u0259ksi il\u0259 qar\u015f\u0131la\u015fd\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan h\u0259m p\u0259rt, h\u0259m d\u0259 \u00fczg\u00fcn idim.
\n\u2500Ged\u0259k s\u0259ni ev\u0259 \u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcm, gecdir, \u2013deyib \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 baxmadan aya\u011fa qalxd\u0131.
\n\u018flav\u0259 bir s\u00f6z dem\u0259d\u0259n aya\u011fa qalxd\u0131m. \u00d6zl\u00fcy\u00fcmd\u0259 i\u015find\u0259 bir problemi oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcb, m\u0259niml\u0259 b\u00f6l\u00fc\u015fm\u0259k ist\u0259m\u0259m\u0259sinin s\u0259b\u0259bini zabit xarakterind\u0259n ir\u0259li g\u0259l\u0259n susqunluqla izah etm\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131m. Bir anl\u0131q t\u0259yinat\u0131n\u0131n ist\u0259m\u0259diyi bir yer\u0259 verilm\u0259sini, m\u0259nd\u0259n ayr\u0131laca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcy\u00fc \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00fczg\u00fcn oldu\u011funu fikrimd\u0259n ke\u00e7irtdim. \u00dcr\u0259yimd\u0259n ke\u00e7\u0259n \u201cS\u0259ninl\u0259 d\u00fcnyan\u0131n \u0259n ucqar n\u00f6qt\u0259sin\u0259 d\u0259 ged\u0259r\u0259m, yet\u0259r ki s\u0259n \u0259limi buraxma\u201d s\u00f6zl\u0259rini dilim\u0259 g\u0259tirm\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7\u0259kinirdim n\u0259d\u0259ns\u0259.
\nM\u0259ni ev\u0259 \u00f6t\u00fcr\u0259rk\u0259n d\u0259 yolboyu susmu\u015f, t\u0259k-t\u00fck ifad\u0259l\u0259ri n\u0259z\u0259r\u0259 almasaq, dem\u0259k olar ki dan\u0131\u015fmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131.
\nH\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 ayr\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z a\u011fac\u0131n alt\u0131nda ayaq saxlad\u0131. Qucaqlay\u0131b ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 sin\u0259sin\u0259 s\u0131xd\u0131. Sa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131n qoxusunu i\u00e7in\u0259 \u00e7\u0259kib, yanaqlar\u0131m\u0131 barmaqlar\u0131 il\u0259 s\u0131\u011fallad\u0131:
\n\u2500\u018fslind\u0259 bu g\u00fcn s\u0259n\u0259 f\u0259rqli bir g\u00fcn ya\u015fatmaq, yadda qalan, xo\u015f s\u00fcrpriz etm\u0259k ist\u0259yirdim. Ba\u011f\u0131\u015fla, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcy\u00fcm kimi olmad\u0131.
\n\u2500Eybi yox, narahat olma, h\u0259r \u015fey yax\u015f\u0131d\u0131r,\u2013p\u0259rtliyimi hiss etdirm\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fd\u0131m, \u2013Yan\u0131mda oldu\u011fun h\u0259r saniy\u0259 m\u0259nim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn yadda qaland\u0131r.
\nBir ne\u00e7\u0259 d\u0259f\u0259 \u0259lini cibin\u0259 sal\u0131b geri \u00e7\u0259kdiyini hiss etdim. B\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259 evl\u0259nm\u0259 t\u0259klifi etm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 ni\u015fan \u00fcz\u00fcy\u00fcn\u00fc gizl\u0259tm\u0259kd\u0259 m\u0259qs\u0259di bu m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259r\u0259 indi haz\u0131r olmamas\u0131 idi. B\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259 haql\u0131 idi, zaman\u0131 deyildi, t\u0259l\u0259sirdik.
\n\u018flimi ovcundan buraxmadan aln\u0131mdan \u00f6pd\u00fc:
\n\u2500N\u0259 olur, olsun, inan m\u0259n\u0259! G\u00fcv\u0259n m\u0259n\u0259! He\u00e7 vaxt hissl\u0259rim\u0259 \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259n olmas\u0131n! \u018fmin ol ki, s\u0259n\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 h\u0259r \u015feyi g\u00f6z\u0259 ala bil\u0259r\u0259m!
\nBu g\u00fcn ilk d\u0259f\u0259 idi ki, g\u00f6zl\u0259rimin i\u00e7in\u0259 bax\u0131rd\u0131. Dediyi s\u00f6zl\u0259rin s\u0259mimiliyin\u0259, sevgisin\u0259 \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259m yox idi.
\nBel\u0259c\u0259, daha \u00e7ox s\u00fckutdan ibar\u0259t olan gec\u0259mizi ba\u015fa vurduq…
\nH\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 yadda\u015f\u0131mdan silinm\u0259y\u0259n, xatir\u0259md\u0259 d\u0259rin iz buraxan h\u0259min g\u00fcn, Raufun g\u0259rgin, narahat hal\u0131, susqunlu\u011fu h\u0259yat hekay\u0259min \u0259n k\u0259d\u0259rli b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fcn ilk s\u0259hif\u0259si idi. <\/p>\n

*******
\nBu g\u00fcn anam\u0131n do\u011fum g\u00fcn\u00fc idi. S\u0259h\u0259r-s\u0259h\u0259r valideynl\u0259rimi ziyar\u0259t edib, m\u0259zarlar\u0131 \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 g\u00fcl qoydum. Ruhlar\u0131na fatih\u0259 oxuyub, bir q\u0259d\u0259r \u00fcr\u0259yimd\u0259 d\u0259rdl\u0259\u015fdim. H\u0259m u\u011furlar\u0131mdan, h\u0259m d\u0259 t\u0259nhal\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan dan\u0131\u015f\u0131b, dar\u0131xd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131, onlara n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r ehtiyac\u0131m oldu\u011funu p\u0131\u00e7\u0131ldad\u0131m.
\n\u018fvv\u0259ll\u0259r tez-tez onlar\u0131 ziyar\u0259t ets\u0259m d\u0259, sonralar i\u015fl\u0259rimin \u00e7oxlu\u011fundan ayda bir d\u0259f\u0259 ged\u0259 bilirdim. Do\u011frusu, son zamanlar tez-tez getm\u0259k d\u0259 ist\u0259mirdim he\u00e7. Bilirdim ki, valideynl\u0259rimin ruhu m\u0259n\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 narahatd\u0131r. \u0130\u015fl\u0259rimin yax\u015f\u0131 olmas\u0131na baxmayaraq, \u015f\u0259xsi h\u0259yat\u0131m\u0131 qaydaya sala bilm\u0259diyim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc g\u00fcnahkar hesab edirdim. M\u0259zar da\u015f\u0131ndan boylanan bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda bel\u0259 davam g\u0259tir\u0259 bilmirdim. El\u0259 bilirdim, indic\u0259 anam dil a\u00e7\u0131b m\u0259ni danlayacaq, s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fcn sonunda da \u201cS\u0259n d\u00fcz\u0259lm\u0259din d\u0259!\u201d deyib m\u0259z\u0259mm\u0259tl\u0259 ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 yell\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k. Dar\u0131x\u0131rd\u0131m onlar \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn.
\nQ\u0131zlar atalar\u0131n\u0131 daha \u00e7ox sevir, deyirl\u0259r. Atam\u0131n m\u00fcnasib\u0259ti, m\u0259ni daha \u00e7ox sevib-\u0259zizl\u0259m\u0259yi bac\u0131m\u0131n q\u0131sqancl\u0131\u011f\u0131na s\u0259b\u0259b olurdu. M\u0259n is\u0259 atan\u0131n, h\u0259m\u00e7inin n\u0259n\u0259nin sevimlisi olmaqdan z\u00f6vq al\u0131rd\u0131m, d\u00fcz\u00fc. Diqq\u0259t m\u0259rk\u0259zind\u0259 olma\u011f\u0131 u\u015faql\u0131qdan xo\u015flay\u0131rd\u0131m.
\nXeyir-duas\u0131n\u0131 ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m n\u0259n\u0259min v\u0259fat etdiyini geri d\u00f6nd\u00fcy\u00fcm g\u00fcn \u00f6yr\u0259nmi\u015fdim. H\u0259l\u0259 Almaniyada oldu\u011fum zaman ev\u0259 z\u0259ng ed\u0259rk\u0259n bir ne\u00e7\u0259 d\u0259f\u0259 anamdan, bac\u0131mdan n\u0259n\u0259mi soru\u015fmu\u015f, onunla dan\u0131\u015fmaq ist\u0259diyimi bildirs\u0259m d\u0259, uzaqda oldu\u011fum \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bil\u0259r\u0259kd\u0259n m\u0259nd\u0259n bu x\u0259b\u0259ri gizl\u0259tmi\u015f, \u00fcz\u00fclm\u0259yimi, d\u0259rsl\u0259rimd\u0259n yay\u0131nma\u011f\u0131m\u0131 ist\u0259m\u0259mi\u015fdil\u0259r. H\u0259r naz\u0131m\u0131 \u00e7\u0259k\u0259n, \u015f\u0131ltaql\u0131qlar\u0131ma g\u00f6z yuman, d\u0259c\u0259llik etdiyim zaman anam\u0131n qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na ke\u00e7ib m\u0259ni onun \u0259lind\u0259n alan n\u0259n\u0259min yoxlu\u011fu m\u0259ni h\u0259dsiz sars\u0131tm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. H\u0259r s\u0259h\u0259r, h\u0259r ax\u015fam \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259n \u00f6pd\u00fcy\u00fcm, qan\u0131m qara olanda ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 dizinin \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 qoydu\u011fum n\u0259n\u0259mi gah m\u0259tb\u0259xd\u0259, gah \u00f6z ota\u011f\u0131nda axtar\u0131rd\u0131m. Saatlarla oturdu\u011fu divan\u0131n k\u00fcnc\u00fcn\u0259 q\u0131s\u0131lar, k\u00fcr\u0259yin\u0259 sald\u0131\u011f\u0131 tirm\u0259 \u015fal\u0131 burnuma tutar, hopub qalm\u0131\u015f qoxusunu i\u00e7im\u0259 \u00e7\u0259km\u0259k ist\u0259yirdim.
\nBir gec\u0259 yat\u0131b bir s\u0259h\u0259r yuxudan oyanmayan anam\u0131 is\u0259 i\u015fl\u0259rimin yoluna d\u00fc\u015fm\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir zamanda itirdim. H\u0259r d\u0259f\u0259 ail\u0259 qurma\u011f\u0131mdan, n\u0259v\u0259 sahibi olmaq ist\u0259diyind\u0259n s\u00f6z a\u00e7sa da, qulaqard\u0131na vurar, m\u00f6vzunu d\u0259yi\u015f\u0259rdim. Arzusunu g\u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259 qoydu\u011fum anam, y\u0259qin ki h\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 m\u0259nd\u0259n incikdir.
\nG\u0259rgin v\u0259 s\u0131x\u0131nt\u0131l\u0131 bir g\u00fcn\u00fc d\u00f6rd divar aras\u0131nda ba\u015fa vurmamaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn i\u015f\u0259 getm\u0259y\u0259 q\u0259rar verdim. Fikirl\u0259rimi da\u011f\u0131tmaq, ke\u00e7mi\u015fin ac\u0131 xatir\u0259l\u0259rind\u0259n xilas olmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn i\u015f \u0259n g\u00f6z\u0259l vasit\u0259 idi.<\/p>\n

\u0130\u015f\u0259 qay\u0131dark\u0259n g\u00fcn yar\u0131 olmu\u015fdu.
\nKatib\u0259m\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 q\u0259hv\u0259 haz\u0131rlama\u011f\u0131 tap\u015f\u0131r\u0131b qap\u0131n\u0131n d\u0259st\u0259yini burdum. Aya\u011f\u0131m\u0131 i\u00e7\u0259ri qoydu\u011fum an d\u00f6rd bir t\u0259r\u0259f\u0259 d\u00fcz\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f \u00e7i\u00e7\u0259kl\u0259r d\u0259rhal n\u0259z\u0259rimi c\u0259lb etdi. B\u00fct\u00fcn buketl\u0259rin sar\u0131 \u00e7i\u00e7\u0259kl\u0259rd\u0259n ibar\u0259t olmas\u0131 eyni \u00fcnvandan g\u00f6nd\u0259rildiyind\u0259n x\u0259b\u0259r verirdi. \u00c7i\u00e7\u0259kl\u0259rin kimd\u0259n oldu\u011funu bilm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259ki vizitkaya deyil, masam\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259ki ki\u00e7ik zanbaq d\u0259st\u0259sin\u0259 n\u0259z\u0259r salmaq kifay\u0259t idi. Alt\u0131 sar\u0131 zanba\u011f\u0131n aras\u0131na yerl\u0259\u015fdirilmi\u015f t\u00fcnd \u00e7\u0259hray\u0131 zanbaq sahibinin \u0259v\u0259zind\u0259n dan\u0131\u015fa, gizli m\u0259tl\u0259bl\u0259r\u0259 ayd\u0131nl\u0131q g\u0259tir\u0259 bil\u0259rdi.<\/p>\n

H\u0259r s\u0259h\u0259r, h\u0259r ax\u015fam dib\u00e7\u0259kd\u0259ki zanbaqlar\u0131ma n\u0259z\u0259r salar, s\u0259birsizlikl\u0259 sonuncu\u2013yeddinci zanba\u011f\u0131n a\u00e7aca\u011f\u0131 g\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6zl\u0259rdim. B\u0259z\u0259n is\u0259 onun he\u00e7 vaxt a\u00e7mayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 da fikrimd\u0259n ke\u00e7irirdim.
\nH\u0259min s\u0259h\u0259r d\u0259 yuxudan ay\u0131lan kimi \u00e7arpay\u0131dan s\u0131\u00e7ray\u0131b p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259nin qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na yax\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131m. Budur, sonuncu zanbaq bu s\u0259h\u0259r a\u00e7m\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Art\u0131q solan dig\u0259r zanbaqlar\u0131n yan\u0131nda daha g\u00f6z\u0259l, t\u0259rav\u0259tli, z\u0259rif g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u0259n bu \u00e7i\u00e7\u0259k \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fcn sar\u0131 r\u0259ngi il\u0259 k\u00f6nl\u00fcm\u00fc ox\u015faya bilmi\u015fdi. Sar\u0131 r\u0259ng ayr\u0131l\u0131q, b\u0259z\u0259n nifr\u0259t anlam\u0131na g\u0259ls\u0259 d\u0259, m\u0259nim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn g\u00fcn\u0259\u015fin r\u0259ngi idi: \u015f\u0259f\u0259q v\u0259 nur idi. Sevindiyimd\u0259n zanba\u011f\u0131n l\u0259\u00e7\u0259kl\u0259rini, yarpaqlar\u0131m\u0131 s\u0131\u011fallay\u0131b, barmaqlar\u0131mla ox\u015fay\u0131b, h\u0259tta dodaqlar\u0131m\u0131 bel\u0259 toxundurmu\u015fdum. Ay\u0131n yeddisi, h\u0259ft\u0259nin bazar g\u00fcn\u00fc a\u00e7an bu yeddinci zanba\u011fa r\u0259mzi m\u0259na verm\u0259y\u0259 d\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m. M\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259rimiz\u0259 xeyir-dua alm\u0131\u015f q\u0259d\u0259r xo\u015fb\u0259xt hiss edirdim \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc. Sevincimi b\u00f6l\u00fc\u015fm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn Raufa mesaj yaz\u0131b, sonuncu zanba\u011f\u0131n a\u00e7d\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bildirdim. \u201cG\u00f6z\u00fcn ayd\u0131n! N\u0259hay\u0259t ki!\u201d cavab\u0131n\u0131 ald\u0131m.
\nEl\u0259 h\u0259min ax\u015famk\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fd\u0259 Rauf \u0259limi ovcunda s\u0131x\u0131b \u0259zizl\u0259y\u0259rk\u0259n q\u0259fil xat\u0131rlay\u0131b soru\u015fdu:
\n\u2500Do\u011frudan, dem\u0259din, ax\u0131, sonuncu zanba\u011f\u0131n n\u0259 r\u0259ng a\u00e7d\u0131…
\nTez dill\u0259ndim:
\n\u2500Sar\u0131 r\u0259ngd\u0259dir. El\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259ldir ki! Sanki g\u00fcn\u0259\u015fin \u00f6z\u00fcd\u00fcr!
\nT\u0259\u0259cc\u00fcbl\u0259 \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 baxd\u0131:
\n\u2500Sar\u0131? Sar\u0131 r\u0259ngi xo\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmirdim.
\n\u2500Sar\u0131 r\u0259ng ayr\u0131l\u0131qd\u0131 deyirl\u0259r… Amma bu f\u0259rqlidir. H\u0259ft\u0259nin bazar g\u00fcn\u00fc, ay\u0131n yeddisi, yeddinci zanba\u011f\u0131m…G\u00f6r\u00fcrs\u0259n, ham\u0131s\u0131 yeddidir.
\n\u2500R\u0259mzl\u0259r\u0259 inan\u0131rsan? Simvolikaya \u00e7ox da qap\u0131lma!
\n\u2500Yeddi r\u0259q\u0259mi m\u00fcq\u0259dd\u0259sdir! Bilirs\u0259n, n\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr\u0259m?
\n\u2500…
\nOna a\u011fz\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7ma\u011fa imkan verm\u0259yib s\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc bitirdim:
\n\u2500Bu yeddil\u0259rd\u0259 bir m\u0259na var! Allah \u00f6z\u00fc m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259rimiz\u0259 xeyir-dua verib. G\u00fcn\u0259\u015fin bir par\u00e7as\u0131n\u0131 biz\u0259 el\u00e7i olaraq g\u00f6nd\u0259rib.
\nBa\u015f\u0131n\u0131 bulay\u0131b s\u00f6zl\u0259rim\u0259 g\u00fcld\u00fc. Dedi:
\n\u2500M\u0259nc\u0259 bir q\u0259d\u0259r \u015fi\u015firtdin… S\u0259n\u0259 el\u0259 g\u0259lmir?
\nBa\u015f\u0131m\u0131 yell\u0259dim:
\n\u2500Yox! \u018fg\u0259r \u00fcr\u0259kd\u0259n inansaq, bel\u0259 d\u0259 olacaq!
\nSa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131, yanaqlar\u0131m\u0131 s\u0131\u011fallad\u0131, \u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc \u0259ll\u0259ri aras\u0131na ald\u0131:
\n\u2500S\u0259n dey\u0259n olsun! S\u0259n\u0259 inan\u0131ram. S\u0259n d\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 inan! H\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 inan v\u0259 z\u0259rr\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259 \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259n olmas\u0131n!
\nArt\u0131q ikinci d\u0259f\u0259 e\u015fitdiyim bu s\u00f6z m\u0259n\u0259 q\u0259rib\u0259 g\u0259lm\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Bu s\u00f6zl\u0259ri dem\u0259yi, h\u0259m d\u0259 vur\u011fulama\u011f\u0131 s\u0259b\u0259bsiz deyil, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm. Soru\u015fma\u011fa \u00e7\u0259kinir, h\u0259m d\u0259 h\u0259r \u015feyi \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259n e\u015fitm\u0259k ist\u0259diyim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 getm\u0259k, m\u0259cbur edib s\u0131x\u0131\u015fd\u0131rmaq ist\u0259mirdim. \u00d6z\u00fc is\u0259, g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr, h\u0259r hans\u0131 bir s\u00f6hb\u0259t\u0259 bu g\u00fcn haz\u0131r deyildi. \u018fn do\u011fru q\u0259rar zamana buraxmaq idi…<\/p>\n

Bir zamanlar sar\u0131 r\u0259ng\u0259 g\u00fcn\u0259\u015fin r\u0259ngi kimi d\u0259y\u0259r vermi\u015fdim. Bu g\u00fcn is\u0259 sar\u0131ya b\u00fcr\u00fcn\u0259n ota\u011f\u0131m m\u0259ni q\u0131c\u0131qland\u0131r\u0131r, \u00fczd\u00fcy\u00fc q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259 \u0259s\u0259bl\u0259\u015fdirirdi. Nifr\u0259t edirdim sar\u0131 r\u0259ng\u0259. K\u0259d\u0259rli xatir\u0259l\u0259rl\u0259 a\u00e7d\u0131\u011f\u0131m s\u0259h\u0259ri h\u0259y\u0259can v\u0259 \u0259s\u0259bl\u0259 ba\u015fa vurmaq ist\u0259mirdim.
\n\u018fs\u0259bi halda katib\u0259ni s\u0259sl\u0259dim:
\n\u2500El\u0259 bu d\u0259qiq\u0259 b\u00fct\u00fcn buketl\u0259ri\u2013ham\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 r\u0259dd edin ota\u011f\u0131mdan! \u00dcst\u00fcnd\u0259 vizitkas\u0131 olmayan, kimd\u0259n oldu\u011fu b\u0259lli olmayan he\u00e7 bir g\u00fcl d\u0259st\u0259sini d\u0259 ota\u011f\u0131ma g\u0259tirm\u0259yin bundan sonra!
\nQ\u0131z\u0131n t\u0259\u0259cc\u00fcb dolu n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rini \u00fcz\u00fcmd\u0259 hiss ed\u0259rk\u0259n h\u00f6vs\u0259l\u0259d\u0259n \u00e7\u0131xd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131, hissl\u0259rim\u0259 hakim ola bilm\u0259diyimin f\u0259rqin\u0259 vard\u0131m. Katib\u0259 buketl\u0259rin ham\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 quca\u011f\u0131na alark\u0259n masam\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259ki ki\u00e7ik zanbaq d\u0259st\u0259si il\u0259 say\u0131n\u0131n yeddi oldu\u011fu n\u0259z\u0259rimd\u0259n qa\u00e7mad\u0131. Qucaq dolu \u00e7i\u00e7\u0259kl\u0259 masama yax\u0131nla\u015f\u0131b \u0259lini zanbaqlara uzatmaq ist\u0259y\u0259n q\u0131z bir anl\u0131q ayaq saxlad\u0131, n\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcs\u0259 geri add\u0131m atd\u0131. Sakitc\u0259 otaqdan \u00e7\u0131xd\u0131.
\nBa\u015f\u0131m\u0131 masan\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 qoydum. \u00dcr\u0259yim bo\u015fal\u0131ncaya q\u0259d\u0259r a\u011flamaq ist\u0259yirdim. Qeyri-ixtiyari \u0259limi g\u00fcldan\u0131n i\u00e7ind\u0259ki zanbaqlara toxundurdum. Onlar\u0131 ovcumun i\u00e7ind\u0259 \u0259zm\u0259k, q\u0131rmaq, aya\u011f\u0131m\u0131n alt\u0131nda tapdamaqla hissl\u0259rimin, sevgimin heyfini almaq ist\u0259yirdim. Ovcumda s\u0131xa, \u0259z\u0259 bilm\u0259dikd\u0259 is\u0259 h\u00f6nk\u00fcr\u00fcb a\u011flad\u0131m. Alt\u0131 sar\u0131 zanba\u011f\u0131n aras\u0131ndan m\u0259n\u0259 boylanan z\u0259rif \u00e7\u0259hray\u0131 zanbaq m\u0259n\u0259 m\u0259nim \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc xat\u0131rlad\u0131rd\u0131. G\u00f6zl\u0259rimd\u0259n axan g\u00f6z ya\u015f\u0131 yanaqlar\u0131mdan s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcb \u015feh damc\u0131s\u0131 kimi \u0259limd\u0259 tutdu\u011fum \u00e7\u0259hray\u0131 zanba\u011f\u0131n l\u0259\u00e7\u0259yind\u0259 qald\u0131.
\nSar\u0131 \u00e7i\u00e7\u0259kl\u0259rd\u0259n ibar\u0259t h\u0259r b\u00f6y\u00fck buket ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n bir ilin\u0259 i\u015far\u0259 idi. Yaln\u0131z zanbaqlardan ibar\u0259t olan ki\u00e7ik g\u00fcl d\u0259st\u0259si d\u0259 aradan yeddi il\u0259 yax\u0131n zaman \u00f6td\u00fcy\u00fcnd\u0259n x\u0259b\u0259r verirdi. \u0130ll\u0259r \u0259vv\u0259l r\u0259ngar\u0259ng alt\u0131 zanba\u011f\u0131n aras\u0131nda bit\u0259n sar\u0131 g\u00fcl\u00fcn ayr\u0131laca\u011f\u0131m\u0131za i\u015far\u0259 oldu\u011funu anlamaq, q\u0259bul etm\u0259k ist\u0259m\u0259mi\u015fdim. Bu g\u00fcn is\u0259 alt\u0131 sar\u0131 zanba\u011f\u0131n aras\u0131ndak\u0131 \u00e7\u0259hray\u0131 \u00e7i\u00e7\u0259k yoxsa bir sevgi etiraf\u0131 idi?
\nBu ax\u015fam hava \u00e7ox k\u00fcl\u0259kli v\u0259 soyuq idi. D\u0259nizd\u0259n \u0259s\u0259n yel, ya\u011fan leysan ya\u011f\u0131\u015f bel\u0259 m\u0259ni \u00e7\u0259kindirmirdi. A\u011flay\u0131b \u00fcr\u0259yimi bo\u015faltmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u0259n m\u00fcnasib zaman idi. Yanaqlar\u0131mdan s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u0259n ya\u011f\u0131\u015f sular\u0131 \u0259slind\u0259 g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 gizl\u0259dirdi. \u0130\u00e7in-i\u00e7in a\u011flamaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn uzun zaman idi bel\u0259 f\u00fcrs\u0259tim olmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131.<\/p>\n

…Son bir h\u0259ft\u0259d\u0259 Rauf \u00e7ox fikirli v\u0259 dal\u011f\u0131n g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc. \u00dcz\u00fcnd\u0259n oxunan g\u0259rginliyi ciddi probleml\u0259rl\u0259 \u00fczl\u0259\u015fdiyini b\u0259lli edirdi. \u018fs\u0259biliyini, dilxorlu\u011funu asan olmayan zabit h\u0259yat\u0131n\u0131n qay\u011f\u0131lar\u0131 il\u0259 \u0259laq\u0259l\u0259ndirir, h\u0259r d\u0259f\u0259 i\u00e7ind\u0259kil\u0259ri m\u0259niml\u0259 b\u00f6l\u00fc\u015fm\u0259k ist\u0259m\u0259m\u0259sinin s\u0259b\u0259bini d\u0259 buna ba\u011flay\u0131rd\u0131m. \u018fslind\u0259 is\u0259, susqunlu\u011fu i\u015finin m\u0259suliyy\u0259t v\u0259 \u00f6hd\u0259likl\u0259rind\u0259n deyil, t\u0259bi\u0259tind\u0259n ir\u0259li g\u0259lirdi. N\u0259 gizl\u0259dim, b\u0259z\u0259n inciyirdim. Amma sonra \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc danlay\u0131r, \u0259ksin\u0259 s\u00f6z dan\u0131\u015fan olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131na, b\u0259zil\u0259ri kimi s\u0131zlama\u011f\u0131 xo\u015flamad\u0131\u011f\u0131na, t\u0259kba\u015f\u0131na h\u0259r i\u015fin \u00f6hd\u0259sind\u0259n g\u0259lm\u0259k ist\u0259yi kimi \u0259sl ki\u015fi xarakterin\u0259 xas c\u0259h\u0259tl\u0259rin\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 daha \u00e7ox heyran olurdum ona. M\u00fcmk\u00fcn q\u0259d\u0259r anlay\u0131\u015fl\u0131 davranma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fark\u0259n, ail\u0259sind\u0259 h\u0259r hans\u0131 bir narahat\u00e7\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n oldu\u011funu \u00e7ox az ehtimal edirdim.
\nBir ax\u015fam m\u0259n\u0259 dediyi:
\n\u2500S\u0259nd\u0259n bir s\u00f6z soru\u015facam, s\u0259mimi cavab ver: \u018fg\u0259r t\u0259yinat\u0131m\u0131 ba\u015fqa bir \u015f\u0259h\u0259r\u0259, rayona alsam, m\u0259niml\u0259 ged\u0259rs\u0259n?\u2013s\u00f6zl\u0259rind\u0259n sonra g\u0259rginliyinin s\u0259b\u0259binin yaln\u0131z i\u015fi il\u0259 ba\u011fl\u0131 oldu\u011funa he\u00e7 bir \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259m qalmad\u0131.
\nD\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u0259d\u0259n:
\n\u2500H\u0259, ged\u0259r\u0259m, \u2013demi\u015fdim.
\nYa\u015f f\u0259rqimiz, b\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259 ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 h\u0259yat t\u0259rzi ona g\u00f6r\u0259 bilm\u0259diyim, g\u00f6rm\u0259k ist\u0259m\u0259diyim ger\u00e7\u0259kl\u0259ri daha ayd\u0131n g\u00f6st\u0259rirdi. M\u0259nd\u0259n daha t\u0259cr\u00fcb\u0259li v\u0259 d\u0259rin d\u00fcnyag\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u0259 sahib olan zabit asanl\u0131qla vaz ke\u00e7ilm\u0259si m\u00fcmk\u00fcn olmayan d\u0259y\u0259rl\u0259ri daha yax\u015f\u0131 anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan sual\u0131n\u0131n ciddiyy\u0259tini d\u0259 d\u0259rk edirdi:
\n\u2500B\u0259lk\u0259 s\u0259n\u0259 indi t\u0259l\u0259sik cavab verm\u0259k asan g\u0259lir. \u018fslind\u0259 \u00e7ox ciddi suald\u0131r. Se\u00e7im ed\u0259rk\u0259n kimd\u0259ns\u0259, n\u0259d\u0259ns\u0259 vaz ke\u00e7m\u0259li olacaqsan. Bunu anlay\u0131rsan? Raz\u0131l\u0131q vers\u0259n, daha \u201cs\u0259n\u201d v\u0259 \u201cm\u0259n\u201d olmayacaq, \u201cbiz\u201d olacaq. \u201cBiz\u201d u\u011fruna t\u0259hsilini yar\u0131m\u00e7\u0131q burax\u0131b, ail\u0259nd\u0259n ayr\u0131la bil\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n?
\nD\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u0259d\u0259n, t\u0259l\u0259sik dediyim s\u00f6zl\u0259rin ciddiliyini, m\u0259suliyy\u0259tini yaln\u0131z indi anlay\u0131b ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b susdum. \u018fn y\u00fcks\u0259k balla Bak\u0131 Slavyan Universitetinin Beyn\u0259lxalq m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259r v\u0259 t\u0259rc\u00fcm\u0259 fakult\u0259sin\u0259 q\u0259bul olark\u0259n \u00e7ox b\u00f6y\u00fck \u00fcmidl\u0259rim, x\u0259yallar\u0131m vard\u0131. \u0130ndi bir an\u0131n i\u00e7ind\u0259 bir ne\u00e7\u0259 ay tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m insana g\u00f6r\u0259 b\u00fct\u00fcn arzu v\u0259 ist\u0259kl\u0259rimd\u0259n imtina etm\u0259y\u0259 d\u0259y\u0259rdimi?H\u0259yat\u0131mda kimins\u0259 oldu\u011funu hiss ets\u0259 d\u0259, n\u0259d\u0259ns\u0259 \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 vurmayan, hissl\u0259rimi, sirl\u0259rimi ona a\u00e7\u0131b dan\u0131\u015faca\u011f\u0131m g\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6zl\u0259y\u0259n anam\u0131, az qala m\u0259niml\u0259 n\u0259f\u0259s alan n\u0259n\u0259mi qoyub ged\u0259 bil\u0259c\u0259kdim?
\nArzu v\u0259 ist\u0259kl\u0259rimd\u0259n asanl\u0131qla vaz ke\u00e7m\u0259k \u00e7\u0259tin oldu\u011fu kimi sevdiyim insan\u0131 itirm\u0259k qorxusu il\u0259 d\u0259 qar\u015f\u0131-qar\u015f\u0131ya idim. H\u0259min an i\u00e7im\u0259 dolan \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259l\u0259r d\u0259 m\u0259ni narahat etm\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. \u00d6z-\u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm:
\n\u2500\u0130ll\u0259rin z\u0259hm\u0259ti, \u0259ziyy\u0259ti bahas\u0131na t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 ad\u0131 qazand\u0131n. Ad\u0131ndan, soyad\u0131ndan ba\u015fqa he\u00e7 n\u0259 bilm\u0259diyin yara\u015f\u0131ql\u0131 bir zabit\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 b\u00fct\u00fcn arzu v\u0259 ist\u0259kl\u0259rind\u0259n vaz ke\u00e7m\u0259y\u0259 d\u0259y\u0259rmi, Af\u0259t?! B\u0259lk\u0259 s\u0259ni aldad\u0131r… He\u00e7 yeddi ay deyil tan\u0131\u015fs\u0131z…D\u00fcn\u0259n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r q\u0131nad\u0131\u011f\u0131n q\u0131zlar kimi toysuz, nikahs\u0131z tan\u0131mad\u0131\u011f\u0131n, bilm\u0259diyin bir insana qo\u015fulub qa\u00e7acaqsan? S\u0259n ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcb getdikd\u0259n sonra yax\u0131nlar\u0131n qohum-\u0259qr\u0259ban\u0131n, qonum-qon\u015funun dilind\u0259 qalacaq. Kim\u0259s\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 ail\u0259n\u0259, \u0259zizl\u0259rin\u0259 r\u0259zal\u0259t hissini ya\u015fatma\u011fa d\u0259y\u0259rmi?
\nAraya \u00e7\u00f6k\u0259n s\u00fckutu Rauf pozdu. Sanki fikirl\u0259rimi oxuyurmu\u015f kimi i\u00e7imd\u0259ki narahatl\u0131qlar\u0131 da hiss edib \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259l\u0259rim\u0259, fikirl\u0259rim\u0259 ayd\u0131nl\u0131q g\u0259tirdi:
\n\u2500S\u0259nd\u0259n n\u0259 ist\u0259diyimin f\u0259rqind\u0259y\u0259m. H\u0259yat\u0131mda olma\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ist\u0259rk\u0259n n\u0259l\u0259ri qurban ver\u0259c\u0259yini, hans\u0131 d\u0259y\u0259rl\u0259rd\u0259n, arzu v\u0259 ist\u0259kl\u0259rind\u0259n imtina etm\u0259y\u0259 vadar etdiyimi d\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259l anlay\u0131ram. \u018fg\u0259r g\u0259l\u0259c\u0259yini m\u0259niml\u0259 g\u00f6r\u00fcrs\u0259ns\u0259, h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 bir yerd\u0259 olma\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 v\u0259 he\u00e7 vaxt ayr\u0131lmama\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ist\u0259yirs\u0259ns\u0259, q\u0259rar\u0131n\u0131 q\u0259til\u0259\u015fdir, m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259rimizi r\u0259smil\u0259\u015fdir\u0259k. H\u0259rb\u00e7i oldu\u011fum \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn l\u0259ngitm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259kl\u0259r, \u0259riz\u0259 il\u0259 m\u00fcraci\u0259t etdiyimiz g\u00fcn\u00fcn s\u0259h\u0259ri nikah\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 k\u0259s\u0259c\u0259kl\u0259r.
\nBir q\u0259d\u0259r \u0259vv\u0259l haqq\u0131nda yanl\u0131\u015f d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcy\u00fcm \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn g\u00f6zl\u0259rin\u0259 baxma\u011fa utand\u0131m, n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rimi d\u00f6\u015f\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 dikdim. Bar\u0259sind\u0259 nec\u0259 pis d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u0259 bil\u0259rdim, ax\u0131. M\u0259g\u0259r, bir insan\u0131 tan\u0131maq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn ill\u0259r laz\u0131md\u0131r? Qar\u015f\u0131ndak\u0131 insan\u0131n d\u00fcr\u00fcstl\u00fcy\u00fcn\u0259, s\u0259mimiyy\u0259tin\u0259 \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259n olmad\u0131qdan sonra, sad\u0259c\u0259 q\u0259lbin, ruhunla onu hiss etm\u0259k kifay\u0259t idi. H\u0259min an i\u00e7imd\u0259ki s\u0259s Raufa inanma\u011f\u0131, he\u00e7 vaxt ona \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259 etm\u0259m\u0259yi p\u0131\u00e7\u0131lday\u0131rd\u0131 m\u0259n\u0259.
\n\u2500Raz\u0131yam, \u2013dedim,\u2013 S\u0259ninl\u0259 d\u00fcnyan\u0131n h\u0259r yerin\u0259 ged\u0259r\u0259m, yet\u0259r ki, yan\u0131mda ol, inam\u0131m\u0131, etibar\u0131m\u0131 q\u0131rma!
\n\u018flimi dodaqlar\u0131na yax\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131r\u0131b \u00f6pd\u00fc:
\n\u2500Bizl\u0259rd\u0259 bel\u0259 bir deyim var: M\u0259n d\u0259 zabit \u015f\u0259r\u0259fim \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 and i\u00e7ir\u0259m ki, he\u00e7 vaxt \u00fcmidl\u0259rini, inam\u0131n\u0131 q\u0131rmayacam! Etibar\u0131n\u0131, g\u00fcv\u0259nini s\u0131nd\u0131rmayacam! S\u0259n\u0259, sevgim\u0259 sadiq qalacam, x\u0259yal\u0131mdan bel\u0259 x\u0259yan\u0259t ke\u00e7m\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k!
\nG\u00fcl\u00fcb:
\n\u2500Dey\u0259s\u0259n ax\u0131, q\u0259rar verm\u0259y\u0259 t\u0259l\u0259sdim bir az,\u2013dedim. T\u0259\u0259cc\u00fcbl\u0259 \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 baxark\u0259n b\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259 fikrimd\u0259n vaz ke\u00e7diyimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. H\u0259min an bir az onu g\u0259rgin v\u0259ziyy\u0259td\u0259 saxlamaq ist\u0259s\u0259m d\u0259, q\u0259rar\u0131mdan da\u015f\u0131nd\u0131m, \u2013\u018fsas m\u0259s\u0259l\u0259ni unutdum… Dem\u0259k ki, b\u00fct\u00fcn h\u0259yat\u0131m\u0131 h\u0259rbi nizamnam\u0259y\u0259 uy\u011fun ya\u015famal\u0131 olacam…
\nCiddi v\u0259 s\u0259rt t\u0259bi\u0259ti il\u0259 se\u00e7ilm\u0259sin\u0259 baxmayaraq, d\u0259c\u0259lliyim\u0259, \u0259rk\u00f6y\u00fcnl\u00fcy\u00fcm\u0259 d\u00f6z\u00fcrd\u00fc, b\u0259z\u0259n is\u0259 \u015f\u0131ltaql\u0131qlar\u0131m kefini a\u00e7\u0131rd\u0131.
\n\u2500Bax da! Nikah ba\u011flamadan s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc geri g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u0259 bil\u0259rs\u0259n, h\u0259l\u0259 vaxt var…
\n\u2500Yax\u015f\u0131 fikirdir! Bir daha t\u0259klifinizi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u0259r\u0259m, \u2013deyib g\u00fcld\u00fcm.
\n\u2500B\u00fct\u00fcn yollar Romaya apard\u0131\u011f\u0131 kimi, b\u00fct\u00fcn fikir v\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnc\u0259l\u0259rin d\u0259 onsuzda gec, ya tez s\u0259ni m\u0259niml\u0259 b\u0259rab\u0259r nikah masas\u0131na oturdacaq, xeyri yoxdur! \u2013dey\u0259 g\u00f6z vurdu.<\/p>\n

H\u0259yat\u0131n q\u0259rib\u0259 t\u0259zadlar\u0131 var. H\u0259yatda n\u0259yis\u0259 \u0259ld\u0259 etm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn b\u0259z\u0259n n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r s\u0259y ets\u0259n, arzuna \u00e7atmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r \u00e7ox x\u0259yal qursan, \u00fcmidsizliy\u0259 d\u00fc\u00e7ar olarsan, ist\u0259diyini \u0259ld\u0259 ed\u0259 bilm\u0259rs\u0259n. B\u0259z\u0259n is\u0259 he\u00e7 n\u0259 arzu etm\u0259z, x\u0259yal da qurmazsan, ya da m\u00fcbariz\u0259 aparmaqdan usan\u0131b ist\u0259kl\u0259rind\u0259n imtina ed\u0259rs\u0259n ki, \u015fans \u00f6z\u00fc arxas\u0131yca qa\u00e7\u0131b yoruldu\u011fun h\u0259min k\u0259p\u0259n\u0259k kimi g\u0259lib \u00e7iynin\u0259 qonar.
\nArzu v\u0259 x\u0259yallar\u0131mdan \u0259l \u00e7\u0259km\u0259y\u0259 q\u0259rar verdiyim gec\u0259nin s\u0259h\u0259ri dekanl\u0131\u011fa \u00e7a\u011f\u0131r\u0131ld\u0131m. Savad\u0131na g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259y\u0259rl\u0259ndirdiyim, t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259l\u0259rl\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259l r\u0259ftar\u0131na g\u00f6r\u0259 sevdiyim, insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131na heyran oldu\u011fum dekan\u0131m\u0131z m\u0259ni g\u00fcl\u0259r\u00fczl\u0259 qar\u015f\u0131lay\u0131b oturma\u011fa yer g\u00f6st\u0259rdi. \u00c7ox uzatmadan dekanl\u0131\u011fa \u00e7a\u011f\u0131r\u0131lma\u011f\u0131m\u0131n s\u0259b\u0259bini a\u00e7\u0131qlad\u0131:
\n\u2500Bilirs\u0259n ki, Universitetimizin dig\u0259r \u00f6lk\u0259l\u0259rin elm, t\u0259hsil, m\u0259d\u0259niyy\u0259t m\u00fc\u0259ssis\u0259l\u0259ri il\u0259 s\u0131x m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259ri var. T\u0259l\u0259b\u0259l\u0259rimiz m\u00fcnt\u0259z\u0259m olaraq Avropan\u0131n, h\u0259m\u00e7inin MDB \u00f6lk\u0259l\u0259rinin ali m\u0259kt\u0259bl\u0259rind\u0259 t\u0259\u015fkil olunan konfranslarda, seminarlarda i\u015ftirak edir, t\u0259cr\u00fcb\u0259 ke\u00e7ir, t\u0259hsill\u0259rini davam etdirirl\u0259r. H\u0259r il bir \u00e7ox d\u00f6vl\u0259tl\u0259rin ali t\u0259hsil m\u00fc\u0259ssis\u0259l\u0259ri il\u0259 t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 m\u00fcbadil\u0259si edir, yetirm\u0259l\u0259rimizin t\u0259hsilini art\u0131rmaq m\u0259qs\u0259di il\u0259 ba\u015fqa \u00f6lk\u0259l\u0259rd\u0259 dil t\u0259cr\u00fcb\u0259si ke\u00e7m\u0259yin\u0259 z\u0259min yarad\u0131r\u0131q. Bu il d\u0259 Universitetimizin \u0259n savadl\u0131 g\u0259ncl\u0259ri aras\u0131ndan bir ne\u00e7\u0259sini se\u00e7mi\u015fik. S\u0259nin ad\u0131n\u0131 da \u00f6z siyah\u0131m\u0131za \u0259lav\u0259 etmi\u015fik. Polyak dilind\u0259n \u0259lav\u0259 alman dilini d\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259l m\u0259nims\u0259diyin \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn q\u0259rara ald\u0131q ki, t\u0259hsilini davam etdirm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn s\u0259ni Almaniyan\u0131n T\u00fcbingen Universitetin\u0259 g\u00f6nd\u0259r\u0259k.
\nDo\u011frusu h\u0259min an n\u0259 dey\u0259c\u0259yimi bilm\u0259dim. Donub qalm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m. Bu c\u00fcr t\u0259klifi x\u0259yal bel\u0259 etm\u0259mi\u015fdim. Ba\u015fqa vaxt olsa, sevindiyimd\u0259n dekan\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n boynuna sar\u0131lar, m\u0259n\u0259 g\u00f6st\u0259rdiyi etimada, verdiyi d\u0259y\u0259r\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 nec\u0259 minn\u0259tdarl\u0131q ed\u0259c\u0259yimi bilm\u0259zdim. Nitqim qurumu\u015fdu. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b t\u0259\u015f\u0259kk\u00fcr edib, yoxsa t\u0259klifd\u0259n imtina etm\u0259yi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm. \u0130ki od aras\u0131nda qalm\u0131\u015f insanlar kimi hiss edirdim \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc. D\u00fcn\u0259n Raufa verdiyim s\u00f6z\u00fc xat\u0131rlayaraq, bir ne\u00e7\u0259 d\u0259f\u0259 t\u0259klifd\u0259n imtina etm\u0259k ist\u0259dim. Lakin n\u0259d\u0259ns\u0259 dekan\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n nurani, g\u00fcl\u0259r\u00fcz simas\u0131na, \u00fcmid dolu g\u00f6zl\u0259rin\u0259 bax\u0131nca onu q\u0131rma\u011fa c\u0259sar\u0259tim \u00e7atmad\u0131 bu an.
\n\u2500H\u0259ft\u0259 sonu yola d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrs\u00fcz. Haz\u0131rla\u015fmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bir ne\u00e7\u0259 g\u00fcn\u00fcn\u00fcz var. \u0130nan\u0131ram ki, s\u0259n\u0259 olan b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00fcmidl\u0259rimizi do\u011fruldub, b\u00f6y\u00fck nailiyy\u0259tl\u0259r \u0259ld\u0259 ed\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n.
\nM\u0259n\u0259 b\u00f6y\u00fck \u00fcmidl\u0259r b\u0259sl\u0259y\u0259n dekan\u0131m\u0131za sad\u0259c\u0259 g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259y\u0259 bildim.
\nH\u0259min g\u00fcn n\u0259 Raufa, n\u0259 d\u0259 evd\u0259kil\u0259r\u0259 bu x\u0259b\u0259ri dey\u0259 bildim. Dal\u011f\u0131n halda g\u0259zib dolan\u0131r, taleyin ironiyas\u0131n\u0131\u2013h\u0259yat\u0131m\u0131n \u0259n vacib q\u0259rar\u0131n\u0131 q\u0259bul etm\u0259y\u0259 haz\u0131r oldu\u011fum bir anda Almaniyada t\u0259hsili davam etdirm\u0259k kimi q\u0259fil t\u0259klifin g\u0259lm\u0259sini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fckc\u0259 fikirl\u0259rim daha da qar\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131. Bu h\u0259yat\u0131m\u0131n \u0259n b\u00f6y\u00fck \u015fans\u0131 idi. V\u0259 m\u0259n anlay\u0131\u015fl\u0131 \u015f\u0259kild\u0259 bu \u015fans\u0131mdan imtina edirdim.
\nH\u0259yat\u0131mda \u0259n uzun v\u0259 \u0259n g\u0259rgin gec\u0259m idi. S\u0259h\u0259r\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc yummad\u0131m. H\u0259r \u015feyi \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcb-bi\u00e7ir, bir daha he\u00e7 vaxt qar\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0131xmayacaq bu \u015fansdan imtina ed\u0259rk\u0259n hissl\u0259rimin a\u011fl\u0131ma g\u00fcc g\u0259ldiyini, h\u0259tta, n\u0259 vaxtsa pe\u015fman bel\u0259 olaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 da anlay\u0131rd\u0131m.
\n\u0130\u00e7imd\u0259 q\u0259rib\u0259 bir s\u0131x\u0131nt\u0131 hiss edirdim…
\nH\u0259min s\u0259h\u0259r m\u0259n\u0259 do\u011fma olan bu m\u0259kana son d\u0259f\u0259 imi\u015f kimi bax\u0131r, \u0259zizind\u0259n ayr\u0131lma\u011fa haz\u0131rla\u015f\u0131rm\u0131\u015f kimi g\u00f6rd\u00fcy\u00fcm, n\u0259z\u0259r sald\u0131\u011f\u0131m h\u0259r \u015feyl\u0259 vidala\u015f\u0131rd\u0131m sanki. Baxd\u0131\u011f\u0131m, toxundu\u011fum h\u0259r \u015feyi xatir\u0259m\u0259 yazma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131m.
\nQap\u0131 \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 a\u00e7\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 zaman dekanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda oldu\u011fumu f\u0259rq etdim. D\u00fcn\u0259nd\u0259n b\u0259ri fikir v\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnc\u0259l\u0259r varl\u0131\u011f\u0131ma hakim k\u0259sildiyind\u0259n ayaqlar\u0131m\u0131n m\u0259ni n\u0259 zaman v\u0259 nec\u0259 bura \u00e7\u0259kib g\u0259tirdiyini hiss etm\u0259mi\u015fdim.
\n\u2500Af\u0259t! Qap\u0131da dayanma, q\u0131z\u0131m, g\u0259l i\u00e7\u0259ri,\u2013dey\u0259r\u0259k dekan m\u0259ni i\u00e7\u0259ri d\u0259v\u0259t etdi. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b susurdum. Mehriban v\u0259 nurani \u00fczl\u00fc ya\u015fl\u0131 dekan g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259y\u0259r\u0259k s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u0259 davam etdi, \u2013Art\u0131q biletl\u0259riniz d\u0259 sifari\u015f verilib. Getdiyiniz g\u00fcn siz\u0259 t\u0259qdim ed\u0259c\u0259yik.
\n\u2500As\u0259f m\u00fc\u0259llim, el\u0259 m\u0259n d\u0259 sizinl\u0259 bu bar\u0259d\u0259 dan\u0131\u015fmaq ist\u0259yirdim.
\n\u2500Buyur,q\u0131z\u0131m, dinl\u0259yir\u0259m s\u0259ni.
\n\u2500\u018fslind\u0259 bu t\u0259klif m\u0259nim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn o q\u0259d\u0259r g\u00f6zl\u0259nilm\u0259z oldu ki! X\u0259yal bel\u0259 ed\u0259 bilm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259yim bir \u015fansla \u00fczl\u0259\u015fm\u0259yin sevincini ya\u015famaqdan g\u00f6z\u0259l hiss ola bilm\u0259z…
\n\u2500Savad\u0131na, bacar\u0131\u011f\u0131na, m\u00fchakim\u0259 v\u0259 nitq qabiliyy\u0259tin\u0259 b\u0259l\u0259d oldu\u011fum \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn ilk a\u011fl\u0131ma g\u0259l\u0259n ad s\u0259n oldun…
\nM\u0259n\u0259 bu q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259y\u0259r ver\u0259n insan\u0131n g\u00f6zl\u0259rinin i\u00e7in\u0259 baxa bilmirdim:
\n\u2500T\u0259\u015f\u0259kk\u00fcr edir\u0259m, professor. Sizin etimad\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 qazanmaq m\u0259nim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u015f\u0259r\u0259fdir, h\u0259qiq\u0259t\u0259n. M\u0259n\u0259 verdiyiniz d\u0259y\u0259r\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259 Siz\u0259 h\u0259dsiz minn\u0259tdaram. Amma… \u00e7ox \u00fczg\u00fcn\u0259m… M\u0259n bu t\u0259klifd\u0259n imtina etm\u0259li olacam.
\n\u2500Anlay\u0131ram, \u2013dey\u0259n dekan t\u0259\u0259ss\u00fcf hissi il\u0259 k\u00f6ks\u00fcn\u00fc \u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fc, \u2013Bir \u00e7ox Az\u0259rbaycan ail\u0259sind\u0259 q\u0131zlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n xaricd\u0259 t\u0259hsil almas\u0131na qar\u015f\u0131 \u00e7\u0131x\u0131rlar. M\u0259n valideynl\u0259rinl\u0259 g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f\u00fcb bunun s\u0259nin, h\u0259m\u00e7inin d\u00f6vl\u0259timizin, t\u0259hsilimizin g\u0259l\u0259c\u0259yi \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r vacib oldu\u011funu onlara izah ed\u0259, raz\u0131 sala bil\u0259r\u0259m. El\u0259 bu g\u00fcn atanla g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fc t\u0259\u015fkil et.
\nDekan\u0131n s\u00f6zl\u0259ri, diqq\u0259t v\u0259 qay\u011f\u0131s\u0131 m\u0259ni k\u00f6vr\u0259ltdi. G\u00fccl\u0259 e\u015fidil\u0259c\u0259k t\u0259rzd\u0259:
\n\u2500Atam h\u0259l\u0259 biz u\u015faq olanda r\u0259hm\u0259t\u0259 gedib, \u2013dey\u0259 bildim.
\n\u2500Bac\u0131n, qarda\u015f\u0131n?
\n\u2500Bac\u0131m \u0259rd\u0259dir. Anam v\u0259 n\u0259n\u0259m…
\n\u2500Ayd\u0131nd\u0131r…
\nT\u0259klifd\u0259n imtina etdiyim\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 dekan\u0131m\u0131z m\u0259nim \u00f6z\u00fcm q\u0259d\u0259r \u00fcz\u00fclm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. Onun t\u0259\u0259ss\u00fcf dolu bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131 h\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcnd\u0259dir.
\n\u2500Bax, q\u0131z\u0131m, h\u0259ft\u0259 sonuna q\u0259d\u0259r vaxt var. Ad\u0131n\u0131 siyah\u0131dan \u00e7\u0131xarm\u0131ram. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn, bir daha ananla dan\u0131\u015f. Son g\u00fcn\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r t\u0259klifim q\u00fcvv\u0259d\u0259 olacaq.
\nMinn\u0259tdarl\u0131q edib dekanl\u0131qdan \u00e7\u0131xd\u0131\u011f\u0131m an q\u0259rar\u0131m\u0131n q\u0259ti v\u0259 d\u0259yi\u015fm\u0259z oldu\u011funa \u0259min idim…<\/p>\n

Sanki i\u00e7imd\u0259ki t\u0259lat\u00fcml\u0259ri hiss edirmi\u015f kimi d\u0259niz d\u0259 f\u0131rt\u0131na qopartmaqda idi. K\u00fcl\u0259yin v\u0131y\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131 s\u0259simi bat\u0131r\u0131rd\u0131:
\n\u2500M\u0259n\u0259 ya\u015fatd\u0131qlar\u0131n az idi? Yen\u0259 niy\u0259 g\u0259ldin? N\u0259 ist\u0259yirs\u0259n m\u0259nd\u0259n? Niy\u0259 h\u0259yat\u0131m\u0131 ya\u015fama\u011fa imkan vermirs\u0259n?! Nifr\u0259t edir\u0259m s\u0259n\u0259!!!
\n\u2500\u00c7\u00fcnki s\u0259ni sevir\u0259m! \u2013q\u0259fil g\u00fccl\u00fc bir \u0259l qolumdan yap\u0131\u015fd\u0131, qar\u015f\u0131ma ke\u00e7ib g\u00f6zl\u0259rimin i\u00e7in\u0259 baxd\u0131, \u2013S\u0259ni d\u0259li kimi sevir\u0259m! S\u0259nsiz ya\u015faya bilmir\u0259m…
\nBu bir h\u0259ft\u0259 \u0259rzind\u0259 Raufun m\u0259ni izl\u0259diyin\u0259 \u0259min idim. Bu g\u00fcn d\u0259 he\u00e7 \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259siz ki m\u0259ni izl\u0259mi\u015fdi.
\nBax\u0131\u015flar\u0131mdak\u0131 nifr\u0259t, q\u0259z\u0259b, dart\u0131n\u0131b \u0259lind\u0259n xilas olmaq ist\u0259yim ona t\u0259sir etmirdi:
\n\u2500M\u0259ni sevdiyin\u0259 \u0259min\u0259m! Etiraf et ki, h\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 m\u0259ni sevirs\u0259n!
\n\u2500H\u0259ddind\u0259n \u00e7ox x\u0259yallar qurursan! S\u0259n\u0259 el\u0259 g\u0259lmir?
\n\u2500Bilir\u0259m, d\u0259li kimi sevirs\u0259n m\u0259ni. Bilir\u0259m ki, b\u00fct\u00fcn bu ill\u0259r \u0259rzind\u0259 m\u0259ni bir an bel\u0259 unutmam\u0131san.
\n\u0130stehza il\u0259 g\u00fcld\u00fcm:
\n\u2500\u00d6z\u00fcnd\u0259n m\u00fc\u015ft\u0259beh olmusan! Bel\u0259 deyildin, ill\u0259r s\u0259ni d\u0259yi\u015fib.
\n\u2500\u0130st\u0259m\u0259y\u0259r\u0259kd\u0259n m\u0259ni d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcy\u00fcn\u00fc \u00f6z dilinl\u0259 etiraf etdin,\u2013deyib g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259di.
\n\u2500Yad\u0131ma bel\u0259 d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fcrd\u00fcn!
\n\u2500Yalan! Zibil\u0259 atd\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131n g\u00fcnahs\u0131z sar\u0131 \u00e7i\u00e7\u0259kl\u0259r suallar\u0131ma cavab\u0131n idi: unuda bilm\u0259diyin sevgind\u0259n do\u011fan p\u0259ri\u015fanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n idi.
\n\u00d6zl\u00fcy\u00fcmd\u0259 h\u0259r add\u0131m\u0131mdan x\u0259b\u0259rdar oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcb anlad\u0131m ki, bu izl\u0259m\u0259l\u0259r b\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259 bir h\u0259ft\u0259d\u0259n daha uzun m\u00fcdd\u0259t davam etmi\u015fdir.
\n\u2500Sevgin kimi g\u00f6nd\u0259rdiyin \u00e7i\u00e7\u0259kl\u0259r d\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 g\u0259r\u0259ksizdir! \u00c7\u0259kil, get, bir daha da qar\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0131xma! \u2013dey\u0259r\u0259k \u0259s\u0259bi halda \u0259lini it\u0259l\u0259dim.
\n\u2500He\u00e7 vaxt dinl\u0259m\u0259yi bacarmad\u0131n! Qa\u00e7\u0131b getm\u0259k daha asand\u0131r, el\u0259? O vaxt da m\u0259ni dinl\u0259m\u0259k ist\u0259m\u0259din. Amma… bu g\u00fcn m\u0259ni dinl\u0259y\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n!
\n\u018fs\u0259bl\u0259rim\u0259 hakim ola bilmirdim:
\n\u2500Ax\u0131, n\u0259 dey\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n? Dem\u0259y\u0259 s\u00f6z\u00fcn d\u0259 var? \u00dcmumiyy\u0259tl\u0259, n\u0259 \u00fczl\u0259 qar\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0131xm\u0131san?
\n\u2500Dey\u0259c\u0259yim v\u0259 dinl\u0259m\u0259li oldu\u011fun \u00e7ox s\u00f6z var!
\n\u2500S\u0259ni dinl\u0259m\u0259k ist\u0259mir\u0259m! Dey\u0259c\u0259kl\u0259rin m\u0259n\u0259 maraqs\u0131zd\u0131r!
\nDart\u0131n\u0131b \u0259lind\u0259n xilas olma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fd\u0131qca daha b\u0259rk qolumdan tutur, getm\u0259yim\u0259 icaz\u0259 vermirdi. H\u0259r zaman \u00f6z\u00fcmd\u0259n daha t\u0259mkinli hesab etdiyim zabit s\u0259sini y\u00fcks\u0259ldib ba\u011f\u0131rd\u0131:
\n\u2500\u0130st\u0259s\u0259n d\u0259, ist\u0259m\u0259s\u0259n d\u0259 bu g\u00fcn m\u0259ni dinl\u0259m\u0259li olacaqsan, Af\u0259t xan\u0131m! \u0130ndi, el\u0259 burada h\u0259r \u015fey ayd\u0131nla\u015fmadan he\u00e7 yer\u0259 getm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n!
\nK\u00fcl\u0259yin s\u0259sin\u0259 qar\u0131\u015fan ba\u011f\u0131rt\u0131s\u0131, s\u0259sind\u0259ki hidd\u0259ti bir anl\u0131q m\u0259ni susma\u011fa m\u0259cbur etdi. <\/p>\n

Ax\u015fam\u0131n bu saat\u0131nda, \u00f6z\u00fc d\u0259 bel\u0259 bir ya\u011f\u0131\u015fl\u0131 havada d\u0259niz k\u0259nar\u0131ndak\u0131 b\u00fct\u00fcn kafel\u0259r kimi burada da bir ne\u00e7\u0259 i\u015f\u00e7id\u0259n ba\u015fqa he\u00e7 kim g\u00f6z\u0259 d\u0259ymirdi. Z\u0259if i\u015f\u0131qland\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f zal, az qala e\u015fidilm\u0259y\u0259n h\u0259zin musiqi, i\u00e7\u0259rid\u0259ki sakit\u00e7ilik h\u0259qiq\u0259t\u0259n insan\u0131n ruhuna dinclik g\u0259tirirdi.
\n\u0130ll\u0259r sonra yenid\u0259n Raufla \u00fczb\u0259\u00fcz oturmu\u015fdum. G\u00f6zl\u0259rinin i\u00e7in\u0259 baxmamaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rimi yay\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131r, p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259d\u0259n \u00e7\u00f6l\u0259 bax\u0131r, h\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 k\u0259sm\u0259k bilm\u0259y\u0259n leysan ya\u011f\u0131\u015f\u0131 izl\u0259yirdim.
\n\u0130rad\u0259min ziddin\u0259 olaraq m\u0259cbur g\u0259tirmi\u015fdi m\u0259ni bura. \u00d6z\u00fcm q\u0259d\u0259r t\u0259rs v\u0259 inadkar birini, g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr, bu ax\u015fam dinl\u0259m\u0259k m\u0259cburiyy\u0259tind\u0259 idim.
\nQar\u015f\u0131s\u0131ndak\u0131 isti q\u0259hv\u0259d\u0259n bir ne\u00e7\u0259 qurtum i\u00e7di. Fincan\u0131 qar\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0259kib:
\n\u2500Soyutma, isti-isti i\u00e7. N\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r soyuq can\u0131na t\u0259sir etm\u0259yib, i\u00e7, \u2013dedi.
\nPay\u0131z\u0131n soyu\u011fu h\u0259qiq\u0259t\u0259n can\u0131ma hopmu\u015fdu. H\u0259l\u0259 tam qurumayan sa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131n n\u0259mini hiss etdikc\u0259 bir az da \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fcrd\u00fcm. D\u0259f\u0259l\u0259rl\u0259 ya\u011f\u0131\u015fdan daldaland\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z kafel\u0259rd\u0259 isti \u00e7ay, q\u0259hv\u0259 sifari\u015f verib saatlarla bel\u0259c\u0259 \u00fcz-\u00fcz\u0259 oturub \u015firin-\u015firin s\u00f6hb\u0259t ed\u0259rdik. Bu g\u00fcn is\u0259 bayaqdan b\u0259ri bir k\u0259lm\u0259 d\u0259 k\u0259sm\u0259mi\u015fdim.
\nRaufun n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rini \u00fcz\u00fcmd\u0259 hiss etdikc\u0259, eyni zamanda h\u0259m nostalji hissl\u0259r ya\u015fay\u0131r, h\u0259m d\u0259 \u0259s\u0259bl\u0259\u015firdim.
\n\u2500Daha u\u015faq deyils\u0259n! Odur ki, iki yetkin insan kimi s\u00f6hb\u0259t ed\u0259 bil\u0259rik. \u018fn az\u0131ndan bir-birimizi dinl\u0259y\u0259 bil\u0259rik.
\nFincan\u0131 \u0259lim\u0259 ald\u0131m. Bir qurtum i\u00e7dim:
\n\u2500Yax\u015f\u0131. Buyur, s\u0259ni dinl\u0259yir\u0259m.
\nRauf barma\u011f\u0131n\u0131 fincan\u0131n a\u011fz\u0131nda g\u0259zdirib s\u00f6hb\u0259t\u0259 nec\u0259 ba\u015flayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc b\u0259lk\u0259.
\n\u2500H\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 o g\u00fcn\u00fc xat\u0131rlay\u0131ram. S\u0259n\u0259 \u201cM\u0259ni dinl\u0259! \u0130caz\u0259 ver, h\u0259r \u015feyi izah edim…\u201d dey\u0259r\u0259k n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r dil t\u00f6kd\u00fcm. Dinl\u0259m\u0259din. M\u0259ni dinl\u0259s\u0259ydin, m\u0259n\u0259 inan\u0131b g\u00fcv\u0259ns\u0259ydin, bu g\u00fcn h\u0259yat\u0131m\u0131z tamamil\u0259 ba\u015fqa c\u00fcr olard\u0131. S\u0259n is\u0259, n\u0259 m\u0259ni dinl\u0259din, n\u0259 d\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 inand\u0131n. G\u00fcv\u0259nm\u0259din m\u0259n\u0259…
\nG\u00f6zl\u0259rim yol \u00e7\u0259kirdi. Bu q\u0259d\u0259r yax\u0131n ik\u0259n bu q\u0259d\u0259r uzaq olan insan\u0131n s\u0259si uzaqlardan g\u0259lirdi sanki. P\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259d\u0259n s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u0259n ya\u011f\u0131\u015f damlalar\u0131ndan n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rimi ay\u0131rm\u0131rd\u0131m.<\/p>\n

…Bu g\u00fcn oldu\u011fu kimi soyuq v\u0259 ya\u011f\u0131\u015fl\u0131 noyabr g\u00fcn\u00fc idi. X\u0259yallar\u0131mdak\u0131 sevgi d\u00fcnyam\u0131n d\u0259niz qumundan d\u00fcz\u0259ldil\u0259n, el\u0259 d\u0259nizin g\u00f6z ya\u015f\u0131m t\u0259k \u015for sular\u0131 il\u0259 da\u011f\u0131lan q\u0259sr kimi \u00fcmidl\u0259rimin, arzular\u0131m\u0131n m\u0259hv oldu\u011fu soyuq noyabr g\u00fcn\u00fc… Ruhumu \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u0259n h\u0259min g\u00fcn…
\nBir q\u0131z \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn sevgi x\u0259yallar\u0131 qurmaq daha asand\u0131r. B\u00fct\u00fcn varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zla sev\u0259rk\u0259n, qar\u015f\u0131m\u0131zdak\u0131 insan\u0131 h\u0259ddind\u0259n art\u0131q idealla\u015fd\u0131r\u0131r, h\u0259r s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u0259 inan\u0131b tamamil\u0259 etibar etm\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flay\u0131r\u0131q. B\u0259z\u0259n ruhumuzun bir par\u00e7as\u0131, el\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcz hesab edirik. Sevir, sevildiyimiz\u0259 d\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fc inand\u0131rma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r\u0131q, adi diqq\u0259ti,qay\u011f\u0131n\u0131 da ilahi e\u015fq kimi q\u0259bul edirik. Bir g\u00fcn is\u0259 yuxudan ay\u0131l\u0131r, x\u0259yal\u0131m\u0131zdan ke\u00e7\u0259nl\u0259rin sad\u0259c\u0259 bir il\u011f\u0131m oldu\u011funu anlay\u0131r\u0131q.
\nO g\u00fcn s\u0259h\u0259rd\u0259n b\u00fct\u00fcn i\u015fl\u0259rim t\u0259rs gedirdi. Yuxudan durandan h\u0259r \u015feyi \u0259limd\u0259n sald\u0131\u011f\u0131m, bir ne\u00e7\u0259 t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 yolda\u015f\u0131mla m\u00fcbahis\u0259 etm\u0259yim azm\u0131\u015f kimi, g\u00fcn\u00fcn sonunda daha b\u00f6y\u00fck s\u00fcrprizl\u0259 qar\u015f\u0131la\u015faca\u011f\u0131mdan x\u0259b\u0259rsiz idim.
\nUniversitetin qap\u0131s\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0131xark\u0259n bir qad\u0131n m\u0259n\u0259 yax\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131:
\n\u2500Af\u0259t, s\u0259ns\u0259n?
\n\u0130lk d\u0259f\u0259 g\u00f6rd\u00fcy\u00fcm qad\u0131na g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259yib:
\n\u2500B\u0259li, m\u0259n\u0259m.
\nQad\u0131n s\u0131nay\u0131c\u0131 n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259ri il\u0259 m\u0259ni ba\u015fdan-aya\u011fa s\u00fczd\u00fckd\u0259n sonra dill\u0259ndi:
\n\u2500M\u0259n Raufun anas\u0131yam.
\nRaufun anas\u0131 il\u0259 bel\u0259 q\u0259fil g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f\u0259c\u0259yimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u0259diyim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bir q\u0259d\u0259r \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc itirdim. Do\u011frusu, h\u0259min an \u00e7a\u015fq\u0131nl\u0131qla b\u0259rab\u0259r i\u00e7imd\u0259 sevinc hissi d\u0259 ya\u015fad\u0131m. \u00d6zl\u00fcy\u00fcmd\u0259, Raufun bar\u0259md\u0259 ail\u0259si il\u0259 dan\u0131\u015fd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, fikrinin ciddi oldu\u011funu x\u0259yal edirdim. \u018flb\u0259tt\u0259, \u0259g\u0259r bel\u0259 olmasayd\u0131, anas\u0131 n\u0259 \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bura q\u0259d\u0259r g\u0259lib m\u0259niml\u0259 g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fm\u0259k ist\u0259y\u0259ydi ki.
\n\u2500Vaxt\u0131n varsa, s\u0259ninl\u0259 bir az s\u00f6hb\u0259t etm\u0259k ist\u0259rdim, \u2013qad\u0131n dedi.
\nQar\u015f\u0131mda dayanan a\u011fb\u0259nizli, ala g\u00f6zl\u00fc qad\u0131na baxd\u0131qca, Raufun g\u00f6z\u0259llik v\u0259 yara\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anas\u0131ndan ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm \u00f6z-\u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259. Son d\u0259r\u0259c\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259l, xan\u0131m-xat\u0131n qad\u0131nda k\u00fcbarl\u0131q d\u0259rhal hiss olunurdu. Z\u00f6vql\u00fc bir xan\u0131m oldu\u011fu da geyim t\u0259rzind\u0259n b\u0259lli idi.
\n\u2500\u018flb\u0259tt\u0259, buyurun, \u2013dey\u0259 cavab ver\u0259rk\u0259n, y\u0259qin ki b\u00fct\u00fcn q\u0131zlar\u0131n ke\u00e7irdiyi h\u0259y\u0259can\u0131 hiss etm\u0259kd\u0259 idim.
\nBir ne\u00e7\u0259 add\u0131m at\u0131b, bir q\u0259d\u0259r aral\u0131da dayanm\u0131\u015f avtomobil\u0259 yax\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131n h\u0259r\u0259k\u0259ti il\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 d\u0259 ke\u00e7ib \u0259yl\u0259\u015fm\u0259yi i\u015far\u0259 etdi. Cinay\u0259t i\u015fl\u0259rin\u0259 \u00e7ox baxan anamdan v\u0259 n\u0259n\u0259md\u0259n f\u0259rqli olaraq, a\u011fl\u0131ma he\u00e7 bir pis fikir g\u0259tirm\u0259d\u0259n, \u00e7\u0259kinm\u0259d\u0259n avtomobil\u0259 \u0259yl\u0259\u015fdim. G\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr, \u0259vv\u0259lc\u0259d\u0259n t\u0259limatland\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f s\u00fcr\u00fcc\u00fc, m\u0259n oturduqdan sonra qap\u0131n\u0131 ba\u011flay\u0131b uzaqla\u015fd\u0131.
\nRaufun anas\u0131 il\u0259 \u00fcz-\u00fcz\u0259 idik. Bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131ndan m\u0259n\u0259 m\u00fcnasib\u0259tini anlaya bilmirdim. \u00dcz\u00fcnd\u0259ki x\u0259fif t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm\u00fcn m\u0259n\u0259 olan xo\u015f m\u00fcnasib\u0259tind\u0259n, yoxsa ki, sad\u0259c\u0259 k\u00fcbarl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan ir\u0259li g\u0259ldiyini ay\u0131rd etm\u0259k \u00e7\u0259tin idi. Ilk d\u0259f\u0259 g\u00f6rd\u00fcy\u00fc q\u0131za qar\u015f\u0131, b\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259 el\u0259 bel\u0259 olmal\u0131 idi m\u00fcnasib\u0259ti, n\u0259 bilim.
\n\u2500G\u00f6r\u00fcr\u0259m, a\u011f\u0131ll\u0131 q\u0131za b\u0259nz\u0259yirs\u0259n. Odur ki, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr\u0259m, bir-birimizi \u00e7ox g\u00f6z\u0259l ba\u015fa d\u00fc\u015f\u0259c\u0259yik. Bar\u0259nd\u0259 d\u0259 h\u0259r \u015feyd\u0259n x\u0259b\u0259rim var: Ail\u0259 v\u0259ziyy\u0259tind\u0259n tutmu\u015f, getdiyin \u00fcnvanlara q\u0259d\u0259r h\u0259r \u015feyd\u0259n m\u0259lumatl\u0131yam. Raufla aran\u0131zdak\u0131 m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259ri d\u0259 bilir\u0259m…
\nS\u00f6zl\u0259rin\u0259 bil\u0259r\u0259kd\u0259n fasil\u0259 verdi b\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259.
\nBa\u015f\u0131m\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b susur, h\u0259y\u0259candan \u0259ll\u0259rimin, ayaqlar\u0131m\u0131n \u0259sdiyini hiss edirdim. H\u0259min an m\u0259n\u0259 el\u0259 g\u0259ldi ki, n\u0259f\u0259sim daral\u0131r. B\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259 avtomobilin p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259l\u0259rinin ba\u011fl\u0131 oldu\u011fundan s\u0131x\u0131lma\u011fa ba\u015flay\u0131rd\u0131m. \u0130\u00e7imd\u0259 q\u0259rib\u0259 hiss vard\u0131. V\u0259 bu hiss m\u0259n\u0259 bu s\u00f6hb\u0259tin d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcy\u00fcm kimi davam etm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259yini s\u00f6yl\u0259yirdi.
\n\u2500Raufu q\u0131nam\u0131ram, g\u00f6z\u0259l q\u0131zsan, cazib\u0259n\u0259 uyub. S\u0259ninl\u0259 m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259ri k\u0259sm\u0259k ist\u0259m\u0259diyind\u0259n d\u0259, g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr, s\u0259n\u0259 ni\u015fanl\u0131 oldu\u011funu, h\u0259r iki ail\u0259nin art\u0131q toy haz\u0131rl\u0131qlar\u0131na ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bil\u0259r\u0259kd\u0259n s\u00f6yl\u0259m\u0259yib… B\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259 h\u0259qiq\u0259ti dem\u0259y\u0259 c\u0259sar\u0259ti \u00e7atmay\u0131b…
\nDem\u0259y\u0259 s\u00f6z\u00fcm yox idi. Qulaqlar\u0131m\u0131n e\u015fitdiyin\u0259 inanmaq ist\u0259mirdim h\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259. M\u0259n n\u0259l\u0259r e\u015fidirdim! Aylardan b\u0259ri g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fd\u00fcy\u00fcm, b\u00fct\u00fcn varl\u0131\u011f\u0131mla s\u0259mimiyy\u0259tin\u0259 inand\u0131\u011f\u0131m insan inam\u0131mdan, etibar\u0131mdan nec\u0259 istifad\u0259 ed\u0259, m\u0259ni nec\u0259 aldada bil\u0259rdi.
\nQad\u0131n \u00e7antas\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0131xartd\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u015f\u0259kli m\u0259n\u0259 uzatd\u0131. \u018flim\u0259 al\u0131b gah \u015f\u0259kl\u0259, gah da qad\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcz\u00fcn\u0259 n\u0259z\u0259r sald\u0131m. He\u00e7 vaxt Raufun hissl\u0259rin\u0259, sevgisin\u0259 \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259 etm\u0259diyimd\u0259n, ail\u0259si il\u0259 b\u0259rab\u0259r bir masa arxas\u0131nda yana\u015f\u0131 oturdu\u011fu inc\u0259 v\u0259 z\u0259rif \u00fcz cizgil\u0259rin\u0259 sahib son d\u0259r\u0259c\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259l q\u0131z\u0131n \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259ki xo\u015fb\u0259xt t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6r\u00fcnc\u0259, ilk d\u0259f\u0259 q\u0131sqancl\u0131q hissi ke\u00e7irtdim.
\n\u2500Ke\u00e7\u0259n yay Raufun qayn\u0131n\u0131n toyunda \u00e7\u0259kilmi\u015f \u015f\u0259kildir. \u00d6z\u00fcn\u00fc h\u0259min q\u0131z\u0131n yerin\u0259 qoy. Y\u0259qin ki, s\u0259n d\u0259 barma\u011f\u0131nda \u00fcz\u00fcy\u00fcn\u00fc g\u0259zdirdiyin ni\u015fanl\u0131n\u0131n soyuq m\u00fcnasib\u0259ti il\u0259 \u00fczl\u0259\u015fm\u0259k, \u00f6zg\u0259 birisi il\u0259 g\u00fcn ke\u00e7irtm\u0259yini ist\u0259m\u0259zdin. Ba\u015fqa birisinin b\u0259db\u0259xtliyi \u00fcz\u0259rind\u0259 xo\u015fb\u0259xtlik qurulmaz. A\u011f\u0131ll\u0131, savadl\u0131 q\u0131zsan, Rauf kimi o\u011flanlar h\u0259l\u0259 qar\u015f\u0131na \u00e7ox \u00e7\u0131xacaq.
\n\u2500…
\n\u2500Raufla m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259riniz\u0259 son qoy! Bel\u0259 h\u0259r ikiniz \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn yax\u015f\u0131d\u0131r. Rauf s\u0259ninl\u0259 g\u00fcn ke\u00e7ir\u0259 bil\u0259r, amma he\u00e7 vaxt s\u0259n\u0259 evl\u0259nm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k! N\u0259 m\u0259n, n\u0259 d\u0259 atas\u0131 ail\u0259miz\u0259 soxulmaq ist\u0259y\u0259n bir q\u0131z\u0131 g\u0259lin kimi q\u0259bul etm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259yik!
\nH\u0259l\u0259 he\u00e7 vaxt \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc bu q\u0259d\u0259r al\u00e7ald\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, t\u0259hqir olunmu\u015f hiss etm\u0259mi\u015fdim. Daha \u00e7ox qad\u0131n\u0131n son s\u00f6zl\u0259rin\u0259, yoxsa ki sars\u0131lan inam v\u0259 etibar\u0131ma \u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fcy\u00fcm\u00fc bilmirdim.
\n\u2500Narahat olmay\u0131n, xan\u0131m, Rauf bu g\u00fcnd\u0259n sonra bir daha he\u00e7 vaxt \u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc g\u00f6rm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k! \u2013deyib avtomobild\u0259n endim.
\nArxama baxmadan qa\u00e7maq, uzaqla\u015fmaq ist\u0259yirdim. Ke\u00e7diyimiz yollardan, ayaqlar\u0131n\u0131n izi qalan c\u0131\u011f\u0131rlardan bir daha ke\u00e7m\u0259m\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn he\u00e7 vaxt getm\u0259diyim yollardan, k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259l\u0259rd\u0259n add\u0131mlay\u0131rd\u0131m. Onu m\u0259n\u0259 xat\u0131rladan, ba\u011flayan h\u0259r \u015feyi m\u0259hv etm\u0259k, da\u011f\u0131tmaq, \u00fcmidl\u0259rim kimi q\u0131rmaq, al\u00e7alm\u0131\u015f q\u00fcrurum kimi s\u0131nd\u0131rmaq ist\u0259yirdim. Eyni s\u0259maya, eyni d\u0259niz\u0259 baxmaq, eyni \u015f\u0259h\u0259rin havas\u0131n\u0131 bel\u0259 udmaq ist\u0259mirdim.
\nB\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fcn\u00fc ya\u011fan ya\u011f\u0131\u015f k\u0259s\u0259n\u0259 b\u0259nz\u0259mirdi, arada daha da b\u0259rkiyirdi. Yaln\u0131z bu \u015f\u0259h\u0259r\u0259 deyil, \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u0259, x\u0259yallar\u0131ma, arzular\u0131m\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 ya\u011f\u0131rd\u0131 leysan t\u0259k.
\n\u2500Yax\u015f\u0131s\u0131z, xan\u0131m? \u2013yax\u0131nla\u015fan polis n\u00fcmay\u0259nd\u0259si soru\u015fdu. G\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr, ax\u015fam\u0131n bu saat\u0131nda, ya\u011f\u0131\u015fl\u0131, k\u00fcl\u0259kli bel\u0259 bir havada bayaqdan b\u0259ri t\u0259k-t\u0259nha d\u0259niz k\u0259nar\u0131nda olma\u011f\u0131m, n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rimi eyni n\u00f6qt\u0259y\u0259 zill\u0259yib dayanma\u011f\u0131m diqq\u0259tini \u00e7\u0259kmi\u015fdi.
\n\u018fvv\u0259ll\u0259r o q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259 diqq\u0259timi \u00e7\u0259km\u0259y\u0259n bir m\u0259qam \u2013sahild\u0259n aralanan g\u0259minin fiti sanki bir i\u015far\u0259 idi m\u0259n\u0259. N\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rimi uzaqla\u015fan g\u0259mid\u0259n ay\u0131r\u0131b polisin \u00fcz\u00fcn\u0259 baxd\u0131m:
\n\u2500H\u0259r \u015fey bundan sonra yax\u015f\u0131 olacaq! H\u0259r \u015fey d\u0259yi\u015f\u0259c\u0259k!
\n\u00d6zl\u00fcy\u00fcnd\u0259 q\u0259rib\u0259 t\u0259sir ba\u011f\u0131\u015flayan q\u0131z\u0131n n\u0259d\u0259n b\u0259hs etdiyini anlamayan polis ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 yell\u0259yib \u0259lav\u0259 bir s\u00f6z dem\u0259d\u0259n araland\u0131. Hiss edirdim ki, \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 q\u0259sd ed\u0259 bil\u0259c\u0259yimd\u0259n ehtiyat etdiyi \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn k\u0259nardan m\u0259ni izl\u0259yir.
\nGec idi. Y\u0259qin ki, anam da narahat qalm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 m\u0259nd\u0259n. Barmaqlar\u0131m\u0131n ucu il\u0259 yanaqlar\u0131mdan ya\u011f\u0131\u015f sular\u0131na qar\u0131\u015fan g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 sildim:
\n\u2500D\u0259nizim! G\u00f6z\u0259l, do\u011fma oldu\u011fun q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259 amans\u0131z v\u0259 q\u0259ddarsan! H\u0259r g\u00fcn ne\u00e7\u0259-ne\u00e7\u0259 insan s\u0259nin sular\u0131nda q\u0259rq olur. Kimil\u0259rini \u00f6z\u00fcn udursan, kimil\u0259ri is\u0259 c\u0259miyy\u0259tin amans\u0131z qanunlar\u0131na, s\u0259rt qaydalar\u0131na d\u00f6zm\u0259yib \u00fcmidsizlik i\u00e7\u0259risind\u0259 bil\u0259r\u0259kd\u0259n \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc q\u0259rq edir. He\u00e7 vaxt intihar ed\u0259nl\u0259ri anlamasam da, bu g\u00fcn anlad\u0131m ki, insan \u00fcmidl\u0259ri \u00f6ld\u00fcy\u00fc g\u00fcn \u00f6l\u00fcr. D\u0259nizim! Bu g\u00fcn m\u0259n d\u0259 arzular\u0131m\u0131, \u00fcmid v\u0259 x\u0259yallar\u0131m\u0131 ruhumla b\u0259rab\u0259r sular\u0131nda q\u0259rq edib gedir\u0259m. N\u0259 incil\u0259r, n\u0259 x\u0259zin\u0259l\u0259r qoruyub saxlad\u0131n d\u0259rinlikl\u0259rind\u0259. Al, qoy ruhum g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131mla, nakam sevgimd\u0259n do\u011fan x\u0259yal v\u0259 arzular\u0131mla b\u0259rab\u0259r qiym\u0259tli inci,mirvari kimi s\u0259n\u0259 \u0259man\u0259tim olsun, \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259 saxla. Ruhsuz cismimi g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcb gedir\u0259m bu \u015f\u0259h\u0259rd\u0259n. \u018fg\u0259r bir g\u00fcn qay\u0131tsam, \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc yenid\u0259n do\u011fulmu\u015f kimi hiss edib xo\u015fb\u0259xt ola bil\u0259c\u0259yim\u0259 \u0259min olsam, ham\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 s\u0259nd\u0259n geri alacam.
\nQap\u0131dan i\u00e7\u0259ri aya\u011f\u0131m\u0131 basar-basmaz anam\u0131n s\u0259si e\u015fidildi:
\n\u2500De, g\u0259ldi \u0259zizx\u0259l\u0259f n\u0259v\u0259n!
\n\u018flind\u0259 oxlov, unlu \u0259ll\u0259ri il\u0259 d\u0259hliz\u0259 \u00e7\u0131x\u0131b h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259ki kimi deyinm\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flad\u0131:
\n\u2500Saatdan x\u0259b\u0259rin var? Hardasan bu saata q\u0259d\u0259r? Evin-e\u015fiyin yoxdur s\u0259nin?!
\n\u0130ki balaca otaqdan ibar\u0259t evimizin m\u0259tb\u0259xi d\u0259 olduqca dar\u0131sqal oldu\u011fundan anamla n\u0259n\u0259m \u00e7ox zaman yerd\u0259n s\u00fcfr\u0259 salar, el\u0259 oturaq v\u0259ziyy\u0259td\u0259 qutab, d\u00fc\u015fb\u0259r\u0259 haz\u0131rlar, dolma b\u00fck\u0259r, k\u00fcft\u0259 tutard\u0131lar.
\nHavalar soyuma\u011fa ba\u015flayandan h\u0259m \u0259t\u0259 q\u0259na\u0259t etm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn, h\u0259m d\u0259 xo\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00e7ox zaman anam d\u00fc\u015fb\u0259r\u0259 b\u00fck\u0259rdi. Nec\u0259 dey\u0259rl\u0259r, h\u0259m can\u0131m\u0131z q\u0131z\u0131rd\u0131, h\u0259m d\u0259 g\u00fcnd\u0259 \u0259t alma\u011fa imkan\u0131 olmayan kas\u0131b ail\u0259 \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bundan daha m\u00fcnasib, daha dadl\u0131 t\u0259am tap\u0131lmazd\u0131.
\nQ\u0259fil boynuna sar\u0131l\u0131b \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259n \u00f6pm\u0259yim, dey\u0259s\u0259n, anam\u0131 \u00e7a\u015fd\u0131rd\u0131. N\u0259 is\u0259 dem\u0259k ist\u0259di. Susdu.
\nG\u0259ncliyind\u0259 k\u0259ndin \u0259n g\u00f6z\u0259l q\u0131z\u0131 hesab edil\u0259n n\u0259n\u0259min d\u0259 \u0259lind\u0259n, yanaqlar\u0131ndan \u00f6p\u00fcb birba\u015f yataq ota\u011f\u0131na getdim. \u00c7arpay\u0131ma uzan\u0131b yor\u011fan\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0259kdim. \u0130sti n\u0259f\u0259sim soyuq yata\u011f\u0131m\u0131 q\u0131zd\u0131rsa da, \u00fc\u015f\u00fcy\u00fcrd\u00fcm. \u00dc\u015f\u00fcy\u0259n t\u0259rk edib ged\u0259n ruhumun bo\u015f qalm\u0131\u015f cismi idi. D\u00f6rd s\u0259mt\u0259 \u0259s\u0259n k\u00fcl\u0259kl\u0259rin dola\u015f\u0131b t\u00fc\u011fyan etdiyi t\u0259rk edilmi\u015f b\u00fct\u00fcn m\u0259b\u0259dl\u0259r\u0259 b\u0259nz\u0259y\u0259n bo\u015f qalm\u0131\u015f cismimi he\u00e7 s\u0259hra g\u00fcn\u0259\u015finin \u00f6z\u00fc d\u0259 isindir\u0259 bilm\u0259zdi indi.
\n\u2500Nolub? X\u0259st\u0259l\u0259nmis\u0259n? S\u0259n\u0259 diy\u0259nd\u0259 ki, day yay d\u00f6y\u00fcl, \u00fcz\u00fc q\u0131\u015fa gedir, k\u00fcl\u0259kli, ya\u011f\u0131\u015fl\u0131 havalarda az g\u0259z bu k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259l\u0259ri, qulaq asm\u0131rsan ki m\u0259n\u0259!
\nAnam\u0131n susma\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ist\u0259yirdim. Onun n\u0259inki iradlar\u0131n\u0131, h\u0259tta xo\u015f s\u00f6zl\u0259rini bel\u0259 dinl\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k halda deyildim indi.
\n\u2500G\u00f6zl\u0259, indi isti bir zo\u011fall\u0131 \u00e7ay g\u0259tirim.
\nAnam sinini dolab\u00e7an\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 qoyark\u0259n n\u0259z\u0259ri telefona sata\u015fd\u0131:
\n\u2500Telefonun s\u0259sini alm\u0131san? Z\u0259ng g\u0259lir s\u0259n\u0259.
\nDoqquz burax\u0131lm\u0131\u015f z\u0259ng, yeddi oxunmam\u0131\u015f mesaj ekranda g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc. Telefonu \u0259lim\u0259 ald\u0131m. D\u00fcym\u0259sini s\u0131x\u0131b, s\u00f6nd\u00fcrd\u00fcm. Bir k\u0259nara at\u0131b yenid\u0259n yor\u011fan\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0259kdim. H\u0259r\u0259k\u0259tl\u0259rim anama q\u0259rib\u0259 g\u00f6r\u00fcns\u0259 d\u0259, he\u00e7 bir sual verm\u0259di. <\/p>\n

Yax\u015f\u0131 deyirl\u0259r ki, he\u00e7 vaxt \u201cHe\u00e7 vaxt!\u201d dem\u0259. Bir ne\u00e7\u0259 g\u00fcn \u0259vv\u0259l q\u0259rar\u0131m\u0131n q\u0259ti oldu\u011funa \u0259min oldu\u011fum q\u0259d\u0259r bu g\u00fcn d\u0259 fikrimd\u0259 q\u0259ti idim.
\n\u2500As\u0259f m\u00fc\u0259llim, m\u0259n \u00e7ox d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm v\u0259 q\u0259ti q\u0259rara g\u0259ldim. T\u0259hsilimi Almaniyada davam etdirm\u0259k, d\u00f6vl\u0259tim\u0259, xalq\u0131ma faydal\u0131 olmaq ist\u0259yir\u0259m, \u2013dey\u0259rk\u0259n a\u011fsa\u00e7l\u0131 dekan sevindiyind\u0259n aln\u0131mdan \u00f6pd\u00fc.
\n\u2500Bilirdim ki, fikrind\u0259n d\u00f6n\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n. H\u0259r bir savadl\u0131, bacar\u0131ql\u0131, istedadl\u0131 g\u0259nc Az\u0259rbaycan\u0131n g\u0259l\u0259c\u0259yi dem\u0259kdir! Ham\u0131m\u0131z \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn xeyirli olsun! <\/p>\n

Bir \u00e7oxlar\u0131n\u0131n yerimd\u0259 olmaq ist\u0259diyi, b\u0259lk\u0259 h\u0259tta \u00fcr\u0259kl\u0259rind\u0259 h\u0259s\u0259d apar\u0131b, b\u0259xt\u0259v\u0259r bel\u0259 adland\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 m\u0259n, \u0259vv\u0259lkind\u0259n daha art\u0131q deyib-g\u00fclm\u0259yim\u0259, \u015f\u0259n g\u00f6r\u00fcnm\u0259yim\u0259, dodaqlar\u0131ma saxta t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm taxma\u011f\u0131ma baxmayaraq, \u00e7ox g\u0259rgin v\u0259 fikirli idim. \u015e\u0259h\u0259rd\u0259n, \u00f6lk\u0259d\u0259n qa\u00e7maq ist\u0259rk\u0259n, \u00f6z\u00fcmd\u0259n he\u00e7 yer\u0259 qa\u00e7a bilm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259yimi anlasam da, art\u0131q g\u00fcnl\u0259ri, h\u0259tta saatlar\u0131 say\u0131rd\u0131m.
\n\u00dcmidl\u0259rimi itirdiyim g\u00fcn sanki g\u00fcv\u0259n hissimi d\u0259 itirmi\u015fdim. Dal\u011f\u0131n oldu\u011fumdan arxamdan g\u0259l\u0259nin ayaq s\u0259sl\u0259rini, h\u0259nirtisini e\u015fitm\u0259mi\u015fdim. Odur ki, q\u0259fil qolumdan birisi tutunca diksindim. \u0130\u00e7im\u0259 dolan qorxu, qaranl\u0131q k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259nin xofu b\u00fct\u00fcn varl\u0131\u011f\u0131ma hakim k\u0259sildi.
\n\u2500Yen\u0259 qorxutdum s\u0259ni? \u2013dey\u0259 g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259y\u0259n Rauf \u0259limi ovcuna ald\u0131.
\nKobud \u015f\u0259kild\u0259 \u0259limi \u00e7\u0259kdim.
\n\u2500H\u0259, qorxutdun.
\nG\u00fcld\u00fc:
\n\u2500S\u0259n ki h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 \u00fcr\u0259kli q\u0131z olmusan! N\u0259d\u0259n qorxdun?
\n\u2500…
\n\u2500S\u0259n \u00f6z\u00fcn bir b\u0259lasan! S\u0259nd\u0259n qorxmaq laz\u0131md\u0131r! D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fcr\u0259m ki, m\u0259nd\u0259n ba\u015fqa kimins\u0259 s\u0259n\u0259 yax\u0131nla\u015fma\u011fa h\u00fcn\u0259ri \u00e7ata, c\u00fcr\u0259t ed\u0259 bil\u0259.
\nH\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 zarafatla dediyi s\u00f6zl\u0259r indi m\u0259ni q\u0131c\u0131qland\u0131r\u0131rd\u0131:
\n\u2500El\u0259dirs\u0259, o zaman s\u0259n d\u0259 m\u0259nd\u0259n uzaq ol! Ba\u015f\u0131na b\u0259la olmay\u0131m!
\n\u2500Gecdir, s\u0259n art\u0131q ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n b\u0259las\u0131san! \u2013g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259yib t\u0259krar \u0259limi tutdu.
\n\u00d6z\u00fcmd\u0259n as\u0131l\u0131 olmadan \u0259s\u0259bi \u015f\u0259kild\u0259:
\n\u2500Toxunma m\u0259n\u0259! \u2013dedim.
\n\u00c7ox az hallarda ad\u0131m\u0131 dey\u0259rdi. \u00dcz\u00fcnd\u0259ki t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm bir an\u0131n i\u00e7ind\u0259 \u00e7\u0259kildi. Ciddi g\u00f6rk\u0259m ald\u0131. Soru\u015fdu:
\n\u2500Af\u0259t! N\u0259 olub? N\u0259 ba\u015f verir?
\nN\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rimi yay\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131r, \u00fcz\u00fcn\u0259 baxmaq ist\u0259mirdim:
\n\u2500He\u00e7 n\u0259.
\n\u2500O zaman bu n\u0259 soyuqluqdur? D\u00fcn\u0259nd\u0259n b\u0259ri d\u0259 n\u0259 z\u0259ngl\u0259rim\u0259, n\u0259 mesajlar\u0131ma cavab vermis\u0259n. Bu g\u00fcn d\u0259 b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fcn\u00fc telefonun s\u00f6n\u00fcl\u00fc olub. Narahat qald\u0131m, n\u00f6vb\u0259mi u\u015faqlarla d\u0259yi\u015fib s\u0259ni g\u00f6rm\u0259y\u0259 g\u0259ldim.
\nSusurdum…H\u0259qiq\u0259tl\u0259ri \u00fcz\u00fcn\u0259 \u00e7\u0131rpmaq, h\u0259r \u015feyd\u0259n x\u0259b\u0259rdar oldu\u011fumu bildirm\u0259k, \u00fcr\u0259yimd\u0259n ke\u00e7\u0259nl\u0259ri dem\u0259k ist\u0259s\u0259m d\u0259, susurdum… \u015eikar\u0131n\u0131 par\u00e7alama\u011fa haz\u0131rla\u015fan, pusquda durmu\u015f p\u0259l\u0259ng kimi idim, m\u0259qam\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6zl\u0259yirdim. G\u00f6zl\u0259rimin i\u00e7in\u0259 baxaraq m\u0259n\u0259 utanmadan yalan s\u00f6yl\u0259y\u0259n zabitin \u0259ynind\u0259ki mundir\u0259 n\u0259z\u0259r sald\u0131qca zabit \u015f\u0259r\u0259fin\u0259 and i\u00e7diyini xat\u0131rlayaraq h\u0259m q\u0259z\u0259bl\u0259nir, h\u0259m d\u0259 i\u00e7imd\u0259 istehza il\u0259 g\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fcm. M\u0259nim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn m\u00fcq\u0259dd\u0259s olan d\u0259y\u0259rl\u0259r\u0259 bu q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259y\u0259rsiz yana\u015fan bir insandan daha n\u0259l\u0259r g\u00f6zl\u0259y\u0259 bil\u0259c\u0259yimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm.
\n\u2500Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n b\u0259las\u0131, n\u0259 olub ax\u0131, s\u0259n\u0259? Niy\u0259 susursan? M\u0259ni g\u00f6rd\u00fcy\u00fcn\u0259 sevinm\u0259din?
\n\u00dcz\u00fcnd\u0259ki g\u00fcnahs\u0131z ifad\u0259ni, m\u00fclayim t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6rd\u00fckc\u0259, mehriban s\u0259sini e\u015fitdikc\u0259 bir insan\u0131n n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r saxta ola bil\u0259c\u0259yini, riyakarl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n son h\u0259ddini a\u011fl\u0131ma s\u0131\u011f\u0131\u015fd\u0131ra bilmirdim. \u018fll\u0259rinin toxunu\u015fu bel\u0259 m\u0259nd\u0259 ikrah hissi yarad\u0131rd\u0131.
\n\u2500Yox! Bir daha qar\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0131xma! S\u0259ni g\u00f6rm\u0259k ist\u0259mir\u0259m! Bir d\u0259f\u0259lik h\u0259yat\u0131mdan yox ol!
\nSanki s\u00f6zl\u0259rimd\u0259n diksindi. He\u00e7 n\u0259 anlamayaraq qeyri \u2013ixtiyari:
\n\u2500N\u0259? \u2013dedi, \u2013N\u0259 dedin?
\n\u2500D\u00fcz e\u015fitdin. Qar\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0131xd\u0131\u011f\u0131n, s\u0259ni tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u00fcn\u0259 l\u0259n\u0259t olsun! S\u0259n\u0259 baxd\u0131qca ikrah hissi duyuram.
\nQ\u00fcrurunu, m\u0259nliyini al\u00e7atd\u0131\u011f\u0131ma baxmayaraq, \u0259s\u0259bl\u0259rin\u0259 hakim olma\u011f\u0131 bacaran zabit t\u0259mkinini pozmama\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131:
\n\u2500Bu n\u0259 s\u00f6zl\u0259rdir dil\u0259 g\u0259tirirs\u0259n? \u00d6z dediyini \u00f6z\u00fcn e\u015fidirs\u0259n?Dediyin s\u00f6zl\u0259rin f\u0259rqind\u0259s\u0259n?
\n\u2500Dey\u0259 bil\u0259c\u0259yim \u0259n yum\u015faq ifad\u0259l\u0259rdir. Riyakarl\u0131\u011f\u0131na, \u015f\u0259r\u0259fsizliyin\u0259 layiq s\u00f6zl\u0259r tapa bilmir\u0259m.
\n\u00dcz\u00fcn\u00fcn ifad\u0259si kimi, s\u0259si d\u0259 d\u0259yi\u015fildi h\u0259min an:
\n\u2500Af\u0259t! H\u0259ddini a\u015f\u0131rsan!
\nF\u0259rqin\u0259 varmadan s\u0259simi y\u00fcks\u0259ltmi\u015fdim:
\n\u2500H\u0259ddimi a\u015fsam, n\u0259 olacaq? \u0130\u00e7 \u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6st\u0259r\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n? G\u00f6st\u0259r! \u0130\u00e7 \u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc tan\u0131d\u0131m, daha bet\u0259rl\u0259ri il\u0259 m\u0259ni t\u0259\u0259cc\u00fcbl\u0259ndir\u0259 bil\u0259c\u0259yini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrs\u0259ns\u0259, buyur.
\n\u2500S\u0259ni tan\u0131ya bilmir\u0259m, Af\u0259t…
\n\u2500M\u0259n is\u0259 s\u0259ni yax\u015f\u0131 tan\u0131d\u0131m, Rauf!
\n\u2500Anlaya bilmir\u0259m… Bir gec\u0259d\u0259 nec\u0259 bu q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259yi\u015fdin? N\u0259 ba\u015f verdi? M\u0259n\u0259 qar\u015f\u0131 k\u0259skin d\u0259yi\u015fil\u0259n m\u00fcnasib\u0259tinin s\u0259b\u0259bini izah et, m\u0259n d\u0259 \u00f6z q\u0259bah\u0259timin, g\u00fcnah\u0131m\u0131n n\u0259 oldu\u011funu bilim. Bil\u0259r\u0259kd\u0259n, bilm\u0259y\u0259r\u0259kd\u0259n etdiyim s\u0259hvl\u0259rim\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259 s\u0259nd\u0259n \u00fczr ist\u0259yim.
\nD\u00f6zm\u0259yib \u0259s\u0259bimd\u0259n g\u00fcld\u00fcm:
\n\u2500S\u0259hv? Q\u0259bah\u0259t? \u0130ki q\u0131z\u0131n hissl\u0259riyl\u0259 bird\u0259n oynamaq s\u0259hv adlan\u0131r?
\n\u2500\u0130ki?\u2013t\u0259\u0259cc\u00fcbl\u0259 \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 baxd\u0131,\u2013H\u0259yat\u0131mda yaln\u0131z s\u0259n varsan! \u0130kincisi yoxdur!
\n\u2500\u0130lahi! S\u0259mimiliyin\u0259 inand\u0131\u011f\u0131m, d\u0259y\u0259r verdiyim insan g\u00f6zl\u0259rimin i\u00e7in\u0259 baxaraq h\u0259yas\u0131zcas\u0131na n\u0259 yalanlar s\u00f6yl\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 qadirmi\u015f! S\u0259n nec\u0259 insansan, Rauf?! Ax\u0131, m\u0259n s\u0259ni nec\u0259 tan\u0131ya bilm\u0259dim!
\n\u2500Pe\u015fman olaca\u011f\u0131n s\u00f6zl\u0259ri dilin\u0259 g\u0259tirm\u0259, Af\u0259t!
\nHissl\u0259rim\u0259 hakim ola bilm\u0259yib \u0259s\u0259bimd\u0259n a\u011flad\u0131m. Hirsl\u0259 ba\u011f\u0131rd\u0131m:
\n\u2500Art\u0131q pe\u015fmanam! S\u0259ni tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131ma, s\u0259n\u0259 inand\u0131\u011f\u0131ma, s\u0259ni sevdiyim\u0259 pe\u015fmanam!
\n\u2500Af\u0259t!
\n\u2500M\u0259n h\u0259r \u015feyi bilir\u0259m. Ni\u015fanl\u0131 oldu\u011funu, h\u0259r iki evd\u0259 toy haz\u0131rl\u0131qlar\u0131 getdiyini bilir\u0259m! \u0130ki q\u0131z\u0131n hissl\u0259riyl\u0259 oynayacaq q\u0259d\u0259r \u015f\u0259r\u0259fsiz biris\u0259n! S\u0259n\u0259 nifr\u0259t edir\u0259m!!!
\n\u2500…
\nG\u00f6zl\u0259rimin i\u00e7in\u0259 baxma\u011fa c\u0259sar\u0259ti \u00e7atmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 yer\u0259 dikib susan Raufa h\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 inanmaq ist\u0259yirdim. \u00d6z\u00fcm\u00fc n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r \u0259l\u0259 alma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsam da, bacarmad\u0131m. H\u00f6nk\u00fcr\u00fcb a\u011flad\u0131m. G\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131nda bo\u011fulsam da, s\u0259simi y\u00fcks\u0259ltm\u0259y\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcmd\u0259 g\u00fcc tapd\u0131m:
\n\u2500Niy\u0259 susdun? Susma! \u0130nkar et! Ni\u015fanl\u0131 olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6yl\u0259! B\u00fct\u00fcn dedikl\u0259rimi t\u0259kzib et, yalan oldu\u011funa inand\u0131r m\u0259ni!
\n\u2500Sakitl\u0259\u015f, m\u0259n s\u0259n\u0259 h\u0259r \u015feyi izah ed\u0259c\u0259m,\u2013dey\u0259r\u0259k \u0259limd\u0259n tutma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fd\u0131.
\n\u2500N\u0259yi izah ed\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n? Ba\u015fqa bir q\u0131z\u0131n barma\u011f\u0131nda s\u0259nin \u00fcz\u00fcy\u00fcn\u00fc g\u0259zdirdiyini inkar ed\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n?!
\nDivara s\u0131x\u0131\u015fd\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f m\u00fcq\u0259ssirl\u0259r kimi h\u0259qiq\u0259tl\u0259ri etiraf etm\u0259kd\u0259n savay\u0131 \u0259lac\u0131 qalmad\u0131.
\n\u2500Yox, … etm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259m…
\nSon ana q\u0259d\u0259r Raufa inanmaq ist\u0259yirdim. \u00d6z\u00fcm\u00fc aldatma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131m. Anas\u0131n\u0131n bizi ay\u0131rmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bu yalanlar\u0131 uydurdu\u011funa \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc inand\u0131rmaq ist\u0259yirdim. Sevdiyim insan\u0131n yalanlar\u0131n\u0131 q\u0259bul etm\u0259k, h\u0259qiq\u0259tl\u0259ri g\u00f6rm\u0259kd\u0259n daha asan g\u0259lirdi m\u0259n\u0259. M\u0259hv olan arzular\u0131m\u0131n, y\u0131x\u0131lan x\u0259yal d\u00fcnyam\u0131n s\u0259si \u00fcz\u00fcn\u0259 vurdu\u011fum \u015fill\u0259 il\u0259 diksindirdi, silk\u0259l\u0259yib oyatd\u0131 m\u0259ni.
\nGeriy\u0259 baxmadan, h\u00f6nk\u00fcr\u00fcb a\u011flaya-a\u011flaya qa\u00e7ark\u0259n Raufdan deyil, \u0259slind\u0259, el\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcmd\u0259n qa\u00e7\u0131rd\u0131m. M\u0259nim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bitmi\u015f m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259rin son h\u0259ddin\u0259 g\u0259lib \u00e7\u0131xm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m. Yana\u011f\u0131nda buraxd\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u0259limin izi il\u0259 bu sevginin ayr\u0131l\u0131q f\u0259rman\u0131n\u0131 verib, m\u00f6h\u00fcr\u00fcn\u00fc d\u0259 basm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m.
\nArxamca qa\u00e7\u0131b g\u0259l\u0259n Raufun m\u0259ni tutub saxlamaq c\u0259hdl\u0259ri bo\u015f idi. Var g\u00fcc\u00fcml\u0259 qa\u00e7maqdan dizl\u0259rimd\u0259 taq\u0259t qalmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. T\u0259ngn\u0259f\u0259s idim. Qolumdan yap\u0131\u015f\u0131b dartd\u0131:
\n\u2500Af\u0259t! M\u0259ni dinl\u0259! H\u0259r \u015fey s\u0259nin d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcy\u00fcn kimi deyil! Bilm\u0259diyin \u00e7ox \u015fey var… \u0130caz\u0259 ver s\u0259n\u0259 h\u0259r \u015feyi izah edim… Qulaq as m\u0259n\u0259! M\u0259n\u0259 inan, m\u0259n h\u0259r \u015feyi yoluna qoyma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015facam. Sad\u0259c\u0259 zaman ver! S\u0259ni \u00e7ox sevir\u0259m! S\u0259nin d\u0259 m\u0259ni sevdiyini bilir\u0259m. Bu \u015f\u0259kild\u0259 m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259rimiz\u0259 son qoya bilm\u0259zs\u0259n! Evl\u0259n\u0259c\u0259yim q\u0131z varsa, o da s\u0259n olacaqsan!
\nYanaqlar\u0131ma s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u0259n g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131m, p\u0131\u00e7\u0131lt\u0131 il\u0259 dediyim s\u00f6zl\u0259r vidam\u0131z oldu:
\n\u2500Bir daha m\u0259ni axtarma! Bir daha qar\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0131xma! Bitdi…<\/p>\n

H\u0259l\u0259 orta m\u0259kt\u0259bd\u0259 oxuyark\u0259n \u201c\u0130nsan v\u0259 c\u0259miyy\u0259t\u201d d\u0259rsind\u0259 m\u00fczakir\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7\u0131xar\u0131lan m\u0259h\u0259bb\u0259t m\u00f6vzusu il\u0259 ba\u011fl\u0131 m\u0259nim d\u0259 fikrimi bilm\u0259k ist\u0259y\u0259n tarix m\u00fc\u0259llimimiz\u0259 \u201c\u018fn b\u00f6y\u00fck sevgil\u0259r h\u0259yatda olmur, yaln\u0131z b\u0259dii \u0259d\u0259biyyatda, filml\u0259rd\u0259 olur. Leyli v\u0259 M\u0259cnun, Romeo v\u0259 C\u00fclyetta aram\u0131zda ya\u015fasayd\u0131lar, kim bilir, bir m\u00fcdd\u0259t sonra ayr\u0131lard\u0131lar b\u0259lk\u0259\u201d \u2013dey\u0259 cavab vermi\u015fdim. V\u0259 yekun olaraq, \u00f6z\u00fcm \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bel\u0259 bir q\u0259na\u0259t\u0259 g\u0259lmi\u015fdim ki, e\u015fq zirv\u0259sin\u0259 y\u00fcks\u0259l\u0259n h\u0259r sevginin yolu ayr\u0131l\u0131q v\u0259 \u00f6l\u00fcmd\u0259n ke\u00e7ir.
\nSevirdim… H\u0259yat\u0131mda ilk d\u0259f\u0259 sevirdim… B\u00fct\u00fcn varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131, ruhumu bu sevgiy\u0259 t\u0259slim etmi\u015fdim. H\u0259r k\u0259s sevm\u0259yi bacarm\u0131r, sevm\u0259yi bacarmaq f\u0259rqli \u00fcr\u0259k sahibi olmaqd\u0131r, deyirl\u0259r. Sev\u0259 bilm\u0259k bacar\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 \u00f6z\u00fcmd\u0259 k\u0259\u015ff etdiyim\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259, \u0259n az\u0131ndan bu hissi anlama\u011f\u0131ma, ya\u015fama\u011f\u0131ma, h\u0259m\u00e7inin h\u0259yata g\u00f6zl\u0259rimi a\u00e7\u0131b, insanlar\u0131n xisl\u0259tini a\u015fkarlama\u011f\u0131ma s\u0259b\u0259bkar olan Raufa minn\u0259tdar idim. Say\u0259sind\u0259, h\u0259yat\u0131n \u015fill\u0259sini dad\u0131b sad\u0259l\u00f6vh birind\u0259n bir daha insanlara inanmayacaq, g\u00fcv\u0259nm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k bir insana \u00e7evrilm\u0259kd\u0259 idim.
\nYor\u011fun oldu\u011fumu, ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n a\u011fr\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 b\u0259han\u0259 ed\u0259r\u0259k, yata\u011f\u0131ma uzan\u0131b yor\u011fan\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0259kmi\u015fdim. Anam, n\u0259n\u0259m a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan x\u0259b\u0259r tutmas\u0131nlar dey\u0259, \u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131mdan islanm\u0131\u015f yast\u0131\u011f\u0131mda gizl\u0259dirdim. Eh, kimi aldad\u0131rd\u0131m! Aldatmaq ist\u0259y\u0259n d\u0259, aldanan da el\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcm idim.<\/p>\n

Ert\u0259si g\u00fcn\u00fc Raufla qar\u015f\u0131la\u015fmamaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn ax\u0131r\u0131nc\u0131 d\u0259rsd\u0259n icaz\u0259 al\u0131b ev\u0259 getdim. Yaz\u0131b- yazmayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 maraq etdiyimd\u0259n telefonu yand\u0131rsam da, mesajlar\u0131 oxuyub he\u00e7 birin\u0259 cavab yazm\u0131r, z\u0259ngl\u0259r\u0259 is\u0259 cavab vermirdim; ikinci z\u0259ngd\u0259n sonra is\u0259 s\u00f6nd\u00fcr\u00fcb sanki kimins\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259c\u0259yind\u0259n ehtiyat etdiyim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn ya \u00e7antamda, ya da yast\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n alt\u0131nda gizl\u0259dirdim. T\u0259sad\u00fcf\u0259n p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259y\u0259 yax\u0131nla\u015fan zaman Raufun qon\u015fu evin divar\u0131na s\u00f6yk\u0259nib n\u0259z\u0259rl\u0259rini p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259mizd\u0259n ay\u0131rmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n da \u015fahidi olmu\u015fdum. Bir anl\u0131q beynimd\u0259n inad etdiyim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn qap\u0131n\u0131 d\u00f6y\u00fcb ev\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259 v\u0259 anam\u0131n yan\u0131nda bel\u0259 m\u0259nd\u0259n hesab sora bil\u0259c\u0259yi fikri ke\u00e7diyind\u0259n ehtiyat etdim, lakin sonra he\u00e7 vaxt buna c\u0259sar\u0259ti \u00e7atmayaca\u011f\u0131na \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc inand\u0131rd\u0131m. <\/p>\n

Son bir ne\u00e7\u0259 g\u00fcnd\u0259 m\u00fchazir\u0259l\u0259r m\u0259n\u0259 daha a\u011f\u0131r g\u0259lirdi, he\u00e7 on d\u0259qiq\u0259 ke\u00e7m\u0259mi\u015f yorulur, diqq\u0259tim yay\u0131n\u0131rd\u0131. N\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r diqq\u0259timi toplama\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsam da, \u0259limd\u0259 deyildi. H\u0259tta \u0259n sevdiyim f\u0259nl\u0259r bel\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 maraqs\u0131z g\u00f6r\u00fcnm\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. D\u0259rs ba\u015flamadan onun bitm\u0259sini, g\u00fcn\u00fcn sonunu g\u00f6zl\u0259yirdim. \u018fs\u0259bl\u0259rim \u00e7ox g\u0259rgin idi. Son g\u00fcnl\u0259r ba\u015f ver\u0259nl\u0259r, d\u00fcn\u0259n ax\u015fam anamla aram\u0131zdak\u0131 \u00e7\u0259tin s\u00f6hb\u0259t, bir yandan da h\u0259l\u0259 \u00f6lk\u0259ni t\u0259rk etm\u0259mi\u015f duymaqda oldu\u011fum h\u0259sr\u0259t q\u0259lbim\u0259 t\u0259sirsiz ke\u00e7m\u0259mi\u015fdi.
\nT\u0259n\u0259ff\u00fcs olsa da, \u00e7ox zaman auditoriyadan \u00e7\u0131xmazd\u0131m. Bufet\u0259 d\u0259 nadir hallarda d\u00fc\u015f\u0259rdim.
\nT\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 yolda\u015f\u0131m ota\u011fa daxil olub dedi:
\n\u2500Af\u0259t! Bu xan\u0131m dey\u0259s\u0259n s\u0259ni axtar\u0131r.
\nQap\u0131 a\u011fz\u0131nda dayanm\u0131\u015f q\u0131z\u0131 he\u00e7 vaxt h\u0259yatda g\u00f6rm\u0259diyim\u0259 baxmayaraq, d\u0259rhal tan\u0131d\u0131m. Bu h\u0259min q\u0131z idi. \u015e\u0259kild\u0259 g\u00f6rd\u00fcy\u00fcm, Raufa q\u0131sqand\u0131\u011f\u0131m q\u0131z\u0131 n\u0259 vaxtsa qar\u015f\u0131mda g\u00f6r\u0259c\u0259yimi a\u011fl\u0131ma bel\u0259 g\u0259tirm\u0259zdim.
\nS\u0259si d\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fc q\u0259d\u0259r inc\u0259 v\u0259 l\u0259taf\u0259tli idi:
\n\u2500Salam. Af\u0259t xan\u0131m sizsiz? Sizinl\u0259 s\u00f6hb\u0259t etm\u0259k ist\u0259rdim. M\u0259n…
\nKim oldu\u011funu s\u00f6yl\u0259m\u0259sin\u0259 imkan verm\u0259yib s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc k\u0259sdim:
\n\u2500A\u015fa\u011f\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u0259k.
\nRahat s\u00f6hb\u0259t ed\u0259 bilm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn pill\u0259k\u0259nl\u0259rl\u0259 bufet\u0259 endik. \u018fn ax\u0131rdak\u0131 masalardan birini se\u00e7dim. \u00c7ay v\u0259 \u015fokolad sifari\u015f verib q\u0131zla \u00fczb\u0259\u00fcz ke\u00e7ib oturdum.
\nAllah\u0131n \u0259hval\u0131n\u0131n \u0259n xo\u015f vaxt\u0131nda x\u0259lq etdiyi bu q\u0131z\u0131n g\u00f6z\u0259l \u00fcz cizgil\u0259rin\u0259, uzun v\u0259 s\u0131x kirpikl\u0259rinin aras\u0131ndan bir c\u00fct ulduz kimi parlayan qara g\u00f6zl\u0259rin\u0259, uzun sa\u00e7lar\u0131na n\u0259z\u0259r sald\u0131qca onun z\u0259rifliyin\u0259, inc\u0259liyin\u0259 q\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131mla heyran qal\u0131rd\u0131m. Etiraf edim ki, h\u0259tta i\u00e7imd\u0259 ona qar\u015f\u0131 bir h\u0259s\u0259d d\u0259 ba\u015f qald\u0131rd\u0131. \u00d6zl\u00fcy\u00fcmd\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr, \u00f6z\u00fcml\u0259 onu m\u00fcqayis\u0259 edir, vaz ke\u00e7ilm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k bu g\u00f6z\u0259llikd\u0259n Raufun imtina etm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k q\u0259d\u0259r a\u011f\u0131ls\u0131z olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anlay\u0131rd\u0131m. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b susan q\u0131za, n\u0259d\u0259ns\u0259 bird\u0259n yaz\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u0259ldi. R\u0259qibinin qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na \u00e7\u0131x\u0131b \u00f6z q\u00fcrurunu, m\u0259nliyini al\u00e7aldan bir q\u0131z\u0131n m\u0259n\u0259 n\u0259 dey\u0259 bil\u0259c\u0259kl\u0259rini ehtimal edirdim.
\n\u2500Sizi dinl\u0259yir\u0259m.
\n\u2500M\u0259n…
\n\u2500Kim oldu\u011funuzu s\u00f6yl\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 ehtiyac yoxdur. Bilir\u0259m…
\nS\u00f6z\u0259 nec\u0259 ba\u015flayaca\u011f\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0259kin\u0259n q\u0131z\u0131n qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc ail\u0259 da\u011f\u0131dan biri kimi g\u00fcnahkar hiss etm\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flay\u0131rd\u0131m. Qeyri-ixtiyari barma\u011f\u0131na n\u0259z\u0259r sald\u0131m. \u00dcz\u00fck taxmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131.
\n\u2500Sizinl\u0259 g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fm\u0259k \u00f6z q\u0259rar\u0131md\u0131r. Raufun bundan x\u0259b\u0259ri yoxdur.
\n\u2500Ayd\u0131nd\u0131…Arxay\u0131n olun.
\n\u2500Raufla aran\u0131zdak\u0131 m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259r m\u0259ni narahat etdiyi \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fm\u0259k v\u0259 h\u0259r \u015feyi ayd\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131rmaq ist\u0259dim.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

******* \u0130nsan t\u0259bi\u0259ti bel\u0259dir. Bir ne\u00e7\u0259 g\u00fcn xo\u015f s\u00fcrprizl\u0259r\u0259 \u00f6yr\u0259\u015f\u0259nd\u0259, sonra g\u00f6zl\u0259rin qap\u0131da qal\u0131r, yen\u0259 d\u0259 n\u0259 is\u0259 g\u00f6zl\u0259yir, \u00fcmid edirs\u0259n. Bu g\u00f6zl\u0259ntil\u0259r b\u0259z\u0259n o q\u0259d\u0259r \u00e7ox v\u0259 s\u0259nin \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259n g\u00fccl\u00fc olur ki, hissl\u0259rin m\u0259ng\u0259n\u0259sind\u0259 aciz, \u00e7ar\u0259siz qal\u0131rsan. Bu g\u00fcn h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259ki adi, s\u0131radan g\u00fcnl\u0259rd\u0259n biri olaraq davam etm\u0259kd\u0259 idi. H\u0259r g\u00fcn t\u0259krarlanan i\u015fl\u0259r can\u0131m\u0131 s\u0131xmaqda […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-27046","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-edeb"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27046","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=27046"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27046\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":27070,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27046\/revisions\/27070"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=27046"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=27046"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=27046"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}