{"id":35148,"date":"2020-03-27T15:30:00","date_gmt":"2020-03-27T11:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/?p=35148"},"modified":"2020-03-27T16:41:01","modified_gmt":"2020-03-27T12:41:01","slug":"s%c9%99fa-v%c9%99liyeva-bir-az-vaxtim-var-povetsind%c9%99n-hiss%c9%99l%c9%99r","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/?p=35148","title":{"rendered":"\u015e\u0259fa V\u018fL\u0130YEVA.”Bir az vaxt\u0131m var….” povetsind\u0259n hiss\u0259l\u0259r"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"This<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

“G\u0259nc \u018fdibl\u0259r M\u0259kt\u0259bi”nin m\u00fcdavimi, Az\u0259rbaycan Yaz\u0131\u00e7\u0131lar Birliyi G\u0259ncl\u0259r \u015euras\u0131n\u0131n v\u0259 Az\u0259rbaycan Jurnalistl\u0259r Birliyinin \u00fczv\u00fc, Az\u0259rbaycan\u0131n M\u0259d\u0259niyy\u0259t v\u0259 \u018fd\u0259biyyat Portal\u0131n\u0131n Ba\u015f m\u0259sl\u0259h\u0259t\u00e7isi, Prezident t\u0259qa\u00fcd\u00e7\u00fcs\u00fc, G\u0259ncl\u0259r m\u00fcfakat\u00e7\u0131s\u0131 <\/em><\/strong> <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/em>
(povest)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hiss\u0259\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2013 \u0130nsanlar i\u00e7ind\u0259 yalq\u0131zam. Geriy\u0259 d\u00f6n\u0259 bil\u0259c\u0259yim q\u0259d\u0259r ir\u0259li getm\u0259mi\u015f\u0259m \u00e7\u00fcnki\u2026 El\u0259 bir yerd\u0259y\u0259m ki, daha m\u0259n\u0259 \u201ch\u0259yat\u0131 bel\u0259 ya\u015famazlar\u201d \u2013 dey\u0259n yoxdur. Art\u0131q \u00e7ox adam bilir ki, h\u0259yat deyil bu. \u018fslind\u0259 \u201ch\u0259yat n\u0259dir?\u201d sual\u0131na o q\u0259d\u0259r ver\u0259c\u0259yimiz cavab var ki\u2026 \u0130st\u0259nil\u0259n r\u0259ngd\u0259 don yara\u015f\u0131r bu \u201ch\u0259yat\u201d adl\u0131 g\u00f6z\u0259l\u0259. Onun \u0259ynin\u0259 bi\u00e7il\u0259n h\u0259r donun d\u00fcym\u0259si s\u0259d\u0259fd\u0259n olmur\u2026 Nax\u0131\u015f\u0131 yalandan oyulur, b\u0259z\u0259yi x\u0259yan\u0259td\u0259n vurulur b\u0259z\u0259n\u2026 V\u0259 s\u00f6yl\u0259diyimiz bu hallar b\u0259z\u0259n faiz d\u0259y\u0259rin\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 art\u0131r\u2026 H\u0259yat \u00f6z\u00fc y\u00fcz faiz hesablan\u0131rsa, onun g\u00f6st\u0259ricisi 50-ni ke\u00e7ir\u2026
Dan\u0131\u015fd\u0131qca \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 el\u0259 qap\u0131lm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m ki, m\u0259n\u0259 el\u0259 g\u0259lirdi d\u00fcnyada t\u0259k\u0259m. Amma h\u0259yat deyib izah etm\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fd\u0131\u011f\u0131m anlamda t\u0259k deyilmi\u015f\u0259m. El\u0259 bu balaca otaqda da\u2026 Day\u0131m\u0131n q\u0131z\u0131 yen\u0259 astaca p\u0131\u00e7\u0131lday\u0131rd\u0131 n\u0259s\u0259\u2026 Bac\u0131lar\u0131m ona qo\u015fulub g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259yirdil\u0259r. D\u00fczd\u00fc, day\u0131m\u0131n q\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n s\u0259sini e\u015fid\u0259 bilm\u0259zdim. Lakin n\u0259 dediyini \u0259zb\u0259rd\u0259n bilirdim\u2026 H\u0259r d\u0259f\u0259 e\u015fitdiyim s\u00f6zl\u0259r idi:
\u2013 F\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259\u2026Bu q\u0131z f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259di eee\u2026
M\u0259n\u0259 el\u0259 g\u0259ldi ki, do\u011frudan da, f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259y\u0259m\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

F\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259 varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n (y\u0259ni t\u0259bi\u0259t v\u0259 c\u0259miyy\u0259tin), insan t\u0259f\u0259kk\u00fcr\u00fcn\u00fcn v\u0259 idrak prosesinin tabe oldu\u011fu \u0259n \u00fcmumi qanunauy\u011funluqlar haqq\u0131nda elmdir. F\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259 ictimai \u015f\u00fcur formalar\u0131ndan biridir, n\u0259tic\u0259 etibar\u0131 il\u0259 c\u0259miyy\u0259tin iqtisadi m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259ri il\u0259 m\u00fc\u0259yy\u0259n edilir.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu elmi t\u0259rifd\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 aid n\u0259 var, g\u00f6r\u0259s\u0259n? \u00d6z\u00fcm\u0259 v\u0259 ya\u015fad\u0131qlar\u0131ma baxanda f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259 il\u0259 m\u0259nim c\u0259mi bir ortaq c\u0259h\u0259timiz vard\u0131: \u201cN\u0259tic\u0259 etibaril\u0259 c\u0259miyy\u0259tin iqtisadi m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259ri il\u0259 m\u00fc\u0259yy\u0259n edilir\u201d. B\u0259li, maraql\u0131d\u0131r\u2026 Maraql\u0131 oldu\u011fu q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259 g\u00fclm\u0259li hald\u0131\u2026 N\u0259tic\u0259 etibar\u0131 il\u0259 m\u0259n d\u0259 iqtisadi m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259rd\u0259n as\u0131l\u0131 idim\u2026 D\u00fcnyaya g\u0259li\u015fim bel\u0259 m\u00fc\u0259yy\u0259n edilm\u0259s\u0259 d\u0259, (Allah h\u0259r bir b\u0259nd\u0259sini sev\u0259r\u0259k yarad\u0131r) bu g\u00fcn\u00fcm s\u0131rf iqtisadi m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259rd\u0259n as\u0131l\u0131 idi. N\u0259 is\u0259\u2026 Do\u011frudan, f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259 idim, dey\u0259s\u0259n\u2026 D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fckl\u0259rim\u0259 bax bir\u2026 Allah, m\u0259ni \u00f6z\u00fcn qoru!
H\u0259r g\u00fcn Allah\u0131ma dua ed\u0259rk\u0259n yaln\u0131z bir \u015feyi ist\u0259yir\u0259m ondan: \u201cM\u0259ni m\u0259nd\u0259n qoru, Allah\u0131m!\u201d Bu da q\u0259rib\u0259 duad\u0131r, deyilmi? \u0130nsanlar i\u00e7ind\u0259 qorxdu\u011fun t\u0259k \u00f6z\u00fcn olasan\u2026 V\u0259 s\u0259ni Yaradandan s\u0259ni \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259n qoruma\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ist\u0259y\u0259s\u0259n\u2026 Ehhh\u2026. Allah s\u0259bir versin!!!! D\u00fcnya yaranandan b\u0259ri insanlar h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 birc\u0259 \u015feyi ist\u0259yirl\u0259r d\u00fcnyadan, insanlardan, Allahdan: \u201cXo\u015fb\u0259xtlik!\u201d
\u018flisa Nicat deyir ki, xo\u015fb\u0259xtlik iki c\u00fcr olur: he\u00e7 n\u0259yi d\u0259rk etm\u0259m\u0259k v\u0259 h\u0259r \u015feyi d\u0259rk etm\u0259k. He\u00e7 n\u0259yi d\u0259rk etm\u0259y\u0259nl\u0259r, m\u0259nc\u0259, d\u0259rk ed\u0259nl\u0259rd\u0259n daha xo\u015fb\u0259xtdirl\u0259r. M\u0259s\u0259l\u0259n, a\u011f g\u0259linliyi geyib \u0259r evin\u0259 yol ba\u015flayan bir q\u0131z \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc xo\u015fb\u0259xt say\u0131r. \u00c7\u00fcnki a\u011f g\u0259linlik geyib\u2026 \u00c7\u00fcnki sevdiyin\u0259 qovu\u015fur\u2026 Amma d\u0259rk ed\u0259nd\u0259 ki, sevdiyi ki\u015fi h\u0259l\u0259 onu \u201csevm\u0259zd\u0259n\u201d \u0259vv\u0259l h\u0259yat\u0131ndak\u0131 olan qad\u0131nla yen\u0259 \u0259laq\u0259 saxlay\u0131r, \u201cuzaq rayona i\u015f\u0259 ged\u0259nd\u0259\u201d onun evind\u0259 gec\u0259l\u0259yir, onun d\u0259rketm\u0259 qabiliyy\u0259tinin olmamas\u0131n\u0131 k\u0259nardak\u0131 m\u0259n bel\u0259 arzulayard\u0131m\u2026 Bu da xo\u015fb\u0259xtliyin bir c\u00fcr izah\u0131\u2026 B\u0259li, xo\u015fb\u0259xtlik\u2026
Bu fikirl\u0259rd\u0259n m\u0259ni diksindirib ay\u0131ldan yen\u0259 day\u0131m q\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n s\u0259si idi. Bu d\u0259f\u0259 o p\u0131\u00e7\u0131ldam\u0131rd\u0131. Ucadan n\u0259s\u0259 dan\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131. E\u015fitdiyim c\u00fcml\u0259l\u0259rd\u0259n, h\u0259qiq\u0259t\u0259n, diksindim:
\u2013 Filarmoniyan\u0131n r\u0259qs m\u00fc\u0259lliminin q\u0131z\u0131 vard\u0131 ey, ax\u015fam \u0259ri onu b\u0131\u00e7aqlay\u0131b\u2026 Bo\u011faz\u0131n\u0131 ne\u00e7\u0259 yerd\u0259n k\u0259sib, \u00f6z\u00fc d\u0259 3 ya\u015fl\u0131 u\u015fa\u011f\u0131n g\u00f6zl\u0259rinin qaba\u011f\u0131nda\u2026
Q\u0131z g\u0259ldi g\u00f6zl\u0259rimin \u00f6n\u00fcn\u0259. Uzun, qara sa\u00e7lar\u0131 vard\u0131 o q\u0131z\u0131n. \u00d6z\u00fc d\u0259 r\u0259qs edirdi. H\u0259yat yolda\u015f\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6z\u00fc sevmi\u015fdi. Ail\u0259sinin etiraz\u0131na r\u0259\u011fm\u0259n evl\u0259nmi\u015fdi. Bir g\u00f6z\u0259l-g\u00f6y\u00e7\u0259k o\u011flu da vard\u0131. U\u015faq\u2026 Yen\u0259 f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259 t\u0259r\u0259fim i\u015f\u0259 d\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc, dey\u0259s\u0259n\u2026
\u2026Ana olmaq h\u0259r bir qad\u0131n\u0131n arzusudur. T\u0259\u0259ss\u00fcf ki, nikahlar\u0131n \u00fcmumi say\u0131nda sonsuz nikahlar\u0131n nisbi miqdar\u0131n\u0131n artmas\u0131 ilb\u0259il m\u00fc\u015fahid\u0259 olunur. Bu problemin bir ne\u00e7\u0259 t\u0259rkib hiss\u0259si var. Bu g\u00fcn art\u0131q m\u00fcbahis\u0259siz q\u0259bul edilmi\u015fdir ki, sonsuzlu\u011fun ki\u015fil\u0259rl\u0259 v\u0259 qad\u0131nlarla \u0259laq\u0259dar s\u0259b\u0259bl\u0259rinin nisb\u0259ti, t\u0259xmin\u0259n, eynidir v\u0259 buna g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259 \u0259r v\u0259 arvad\u0131n h\u0259r ikisi m\u00fcayin\u0259 olunmal\u0131d\u0131r.
M\u00fcasir m\u0259tbuat bunu ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131r\u2026 M\u00fcasir statistika bo\u015fanmalar\u0131n say\u0131n\u0131n ilb\u0259il yox, g\u00fcnb\u0259g\u00fcn artd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 deyir. M\u00fcasir tibb elmi sonsuzlu\u011fu bo\u015fanman\u0131n \u00fcmd\u0259 s\u0259b\u0259bl\u0259rind\u0259n biri kimi q\u0259bul edir. B\u0259s u\u015faq olan ail\u0259d\u0259 \u0259r niy\u0259 arvad\u0131n\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 k\u0259sm\u0259lidir ki? Niy\u0259? Dem\u0259li, u\u015faq olmamaq, sonsuzluq \u0259n b\u00f6y\u00fck bo\u015fanma b\u0259han\u0259sidir\u2026 B\u0259li, b\u0259han\u0259\u2026
\u2026Ke\u00e7dim o biri ota\u011fa. Balaca bir d\u0259ft\u0259r\u00e7\u0259 vard\u0131 p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259nin qaba\u011f\u0131nda\u2026 \u0130ndi oturub bac\u0131lar\u0131ma v\u0259 day\u0131m q\u0131z\u0131na bu d\u0259ft\u0259r\u00e7\u0259d\u0259n dan\u0131\u015fsam, m\u0259ni \u201cf\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259nin atas\u0131\u201d ed\u0259c\u0259kdil\u0259r. D\u0259ft\u0259r\u00e7\u0259ni \u0259lim\u0259 ald\u0131m. H\u0259r v\u0259r\u0259qin\u0259 a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bu d\u0259ft\u0259r\u00e7\u0259ni yazan\u0131 n\u0259 g\u00f6rm\u0259diyimi, n\u0259 d\u0259 tan\u0131mad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 san\u0131rd\u0131m. Amma oxuyunca, sanki \u0259n yax\u0131n\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcrd\u00fcm, duyurdum\u2026 \u00d6z \u00fcr\u0259yimin yerind\u0259 iki \u00fcr\u0259k hesab edirdim… O \u00fcr\u0259k ki, i\u00e7imd\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcmd\u0259n \u00e7ox d\u00fcnya \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn, f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259 \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn d\u00f6y\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc\u2026 Bu, m\u0259n idim! Bu d\u0259ft\u0259r\u00e7\u0259ni \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 yaz\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u0259lm\u0259diyi anlarda yazm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m, dey\u0259s\u0259n. B\u0259s niy\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcm-\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn tan\u0131\u015f\u0131 olma\u011fa bu \u00f6m\u00fcrd\u0259 vaxt tapmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131m?! \u0130lahi! D\u0259limi oluram m\u0259n? M\u0259ni \u00f6z\u00fcn qoru, \u00f6z\u00fcn ya\u015fat, Allah\u0131m!
Yen\u0259 \u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc tutdum Allah\u0131ma\u2026 Yen\u0259 \u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc s\u00f6yk\u0259dim p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259nin soyuq \u00e7\u0259r\u00e7iv\u0259sin\u0259. D\u0259ft\u0259r\u00e7\u0259ni a\u00e7d\u0131m. Burdak\u0131 h\u0259yat hekay\u0259sini \u0259zb\u0259rl\u0259mi\u015fdim. U\u015faqs\u0131z evi tan\u0131y\u0131rd\u0131m. \u00d6vlad h\u0259sr\u0259tiyl\u0259 yanan g\u0259nc qad\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6z\u00fcm kimi bilirdim\u2026V\u0259 q\u0259rara g\u0259lmi\u015fdim ki, d\u0259ft\u0259r\u00e7\u0259ni kitab hal\u0131na sal\u0131m. N\u0259\u015fr etdirim\u2026 Ehhh\u2026 Arzular\u2026 Yen\u0259 iqtisadi m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259r\u2026 Yen\u0259\u2026 Z\u0259hl\u0259m gedir iqtisadiyyatdan\u2026 Niy\u0259 pul laz\u0131md\u0131 m\u0259n\u0259? Niy\u0259 m\u0259n laz\u0131m olan pulu zaman\u0131nda v\u0259 m\u0259kan\u0131nda tapm\u0131ram? Ax\u0131 niy\u0259? Bu sual\u0131 kim\u0259 \u00fcnvanlay\u0131m, bilmir\u0259m d\u0259\u2026
D\u0259ft\u0259r\u00e7\u0259 bel\u0259 ba\u015flay\u0131rd\u0131: \u201cBir az vaxt\u0131m var\u2026\u201d El\u0259 m\u0259nim d\u0259 bir az vaxt\u0131m var idi. Ba\u015flad\u0131m oxuma\u011fa\u2026 Oxuduqca onu yazan\u0131, c\u00fcml\u0259l\u0259rin aras\u0131nda, verg\u00fcll\u0259 n\u00f6qt\u0259l\u0259rin ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, nida i\u015far\u0259l\u0259rinin h\u0259y\u0259can\u0131nda yen\u0259 axtar\u0131rd\u0131m\u2026 \u00d6z\u00fcm \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn axtar\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131xm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sevgi\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

G\u0259nc qad\u0131n k\u00f6rp\u0259sini quca\u011f\u0131na el\u0259 s\u0131xm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 ki, el\u0259 bil bu an b\u00fct\u00fcn \u0259cinn\u0259l\u0259r v\u0259 divl\u0259r Qaf da\u011f\u0131ndan a\u015f\u0131b na\u011f\u0131llar diyar\u0131ndan g\u0259l\u0259c\u0259k, balaca q\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 \u0259lind\u0259n al\u0131b aparacaq, ma\u011farada sa\u00e7lar\u0131ndan asacaqlar. Yevlax \u015f\u0259h\u0259rinin tozlu k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259l\u0259rini arxada qoyduqca g\u0259nc ana sevinirdi. \u00d6z evin\u0259 \u00e7atmay\u0131nca \u00fcr\u0259yi rahat olmayacaqd\u0131. Balas\u0131n\u0131 qorumal\u0131yd\u0131. \u00d6z h\u0259yat\u0131 asan deyildi. Do\u011fulmam\u0131\u015fdan anas\u0131 onu bac\u0131s\u0131na ver\u0259c\u0259yini v\u0259d etmi\u015fdi. V\u0259din\u0259 xilaf da \u00e7\u0131xmad\u0131. \u201cSonsuz\u201d say\u0131lan bac\u0131s\u0131na verdi q\u0131z\u0131n\u0131\u2026 V\u0259 g\u0259nc ana zaman\u0131nda bir evin yegan\u0259 u\u015fa\u011f\u0131 kimi b\u00f6y\u00fcd\u00fcld\u00fc. Bil\u0259nd\u0259 ki, quca\u011f\u0131na s\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131b yatd\u0131\u011f\u0131 do\u011fma anas\u0131 yox, xalas\u0131d\u0131r, onun ki\u00e7ik \u00fcr\u0259yi sanki q\u0259f\u0259sd\u0259ki qu\u015fa d\u00f6nd\u00fc. Niy\u0259 bel\u0259 olmal\u0131 idi ki? Bir m\u00fcdd\u0259t \u00f6z\u00fcn\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259 bilm\u0259di. Anas\u0131ndan k\u00fcsd\u00fc\u2026 Daha do\u011frusu, \u201canalar\u0131ndan\u201d\u2026 Yeniyetm\u0259lik \u00e7a\u011f\u0131nda \u201c\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fcn axtar\u0131\u015f\u0131na\u201d da \u00e7\u0131xd\u0131. Tapa bildiyi is\u0259 yen\u0259 taleyin\u0259 \u00fcsyan etm\u0259m\u0259k idi. Etm\u0259di d\u0259\u2026 \u0130ki bac\u0131 birl\u0259\u015fib onu \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc bac\u0131n\u0131n o\u011fluna \u0259r\u0259 verdil\u0259r. \u0130deal ail\u0259 say\u0131lacaqd\u0131 hesabda\u2026 Onun ya\u015fam\u0131 yen\u0259 hesablan\u0131rd\u0131\u2026 Yen\u0259\u2026 Hesabdak\u0131 ail\u0259 xo\u015fb\u0259xt olmal\u0131 idi\u2026 Hesabla\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hesaba bax ey\u2026 Kim \u00f6d\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k, g\u00f6r\u0259s\u0259n, ax\u0131rda bu hesab\u0131? Kim\u0259 laz\u0131md\u0131 ax\u0131 bu hesab\u0131 \u00f6d\u0259m\u0259k el\u0259? Ail\u0259 d\u0259 hesablanarm\u0131\u015f\u2026 Ail\u0259 d\u0259 plana sal\u0131n\u0131rm\u0131\u015f\u2026 Yax\u015f\u0131 yad\u0131ma d\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc, qanun layih\u0259si d\u0259 var\u2026 Plana bax\u0131n da\u2026 M\u0259n anlam\u0131ram ki, niy\u0259 insan\u0131n hissl\u0259ri, h\u0259y\u0259canlar\u0131, m\u00fcq\u0259dd\u0259s bildiyi n\u0259sn\u0259l\u0259r bir k\u0259nara qoyulur, ancaq iqtisadi m\u00fcnasib\u0259tl\u0259r n\u0259z\u0259r\u0259 al\u0131n\u0131r ail\u0259 m\u0259s\u0259l\u0259sind\u0259? Niy\u0259 o\u011flanlar d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr ki, q\u0131zlar\u0131n atas\u0131 varl\u0131d\u0131sa, onunla evl\u0259nm\u0259k olar? Maraql\u0131 bir m\u0259s\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 var.
Bir \u015fair deyir ki, o\u011flanlar\u0131n evl\u0259nm\u0259k f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259si f\u0259rqlidir. Onun t\u0259birinc\u0259, o\u011flanlar 25 ya\u015fa \u00e7atanda anlay\u0131r ki, evl\u0259nm\u0259k laz\u0131md\u0131r. Bu zaman ya varl\u0131 bir q\u0131zla evl\u0259nir, ya da, \u0259ksin\u0259, sevgi axtar\u0131r. Sevir, evl\u0259nir, sevgi is\u0259 u\u015faq bezl\u0259rinin qiym\u0259tind\u0259 \u0259riyir\u2026 Ba\u015fqa bir y\u00f6nd\u0259n is\u0259 o\u011flanlar d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr ki, kas\u0131bd\u0131rsa, onun sevm\u0259y\u0259 d\u0259 haqq\u0131 \u00e7atm\u0131r. Odur ki, qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na m\u0259qs\u0259d qoyur: 30 ya\u015fad\u0259k i\u015fl\u0259yib pul qazans\u0131n, sonra evl\u0259nsin. B\u0259z\u0259n bu arzular realla\u015f\u0131r, o\u011flanlar 30 ya\u015f\u0131nda ev, pul, avtomobil t\u0259\u015fkil edir \u00f6z\u00fcn\u0259 v\u0259 15-16 ya\u015fl\u0131 ceyran bula\u011f\u0131ndak\u0131 bir q\u0131zla evl\u0259nir. Yaxud da, \u0259ksin\u0259\u2026 30 ya\u015f\u0131nda da h\u0259l\u0259 kas\u0131b oldu\u011funu anlay\u0131r, \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259n ya\u015fca b\u00f6y\u00fck, bir-iki d\u0259f\u0259 \u0259rd\u0259 olmu\u015f \u201cxala\u015fkayla\u201d evl\u0259nib \u201c\u015fad-x\u00fcrr\u0259m ya\u015famaq\u201ddan ba\u015fqa \u00e7ar\u0259si qalm\u0131r.
B\u0259li, b\u0259li, bu \u0259hvalat\u0131 \u00f6z t\u0259birinc\u0259 bir \u015fair s\u00f6yl\u0259yib m\u0259n\u0259. O \u015fair ki, onu Allah sev\u0259r\u0259k yarad\u0131b, sev\u0259r\u0259k d\u0259y\u0259rl\u0259ndirib v\u0259 \u015fair edib. \u0130lham p\u0259risini ona tan\u0131d\u0131b. M\u0259hz o, \u201cc\u0259h\u0259nn\u0259m odunda yanacaq \u015fairl\u0259r\u201d k\u0259lm\u0259sind\u0259n qorxmayan insan bu c\u00fcr d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr. Onu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnc\u0259sin\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 q\u0131nama\u011fa d\u0259ym\u0259z. \u00c7\u00fcnki q\u0131nayan\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131na g\u0259l\u0259r. Q\u0131nam\u0131ram da. Amma g\u0259lin etiraf ed\u0259k ki, bu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnc\u0259 d\u0259 d\u00fczg\u00fcn deyil. Bu da planl\u0131 h\u0259yatd\u0131r v\u0259 m\u0259n bununla da raz\u0131la\u015fm\u0131ram\u2026. Niy\u0259sini is\u0259 yen\u0259 tam \u00f6z\u00fcm bel\u0259 anlaya bilmir\u0259m. \u018fslind\u0259 m\u0259ntiql\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u0259nd\u0259 n\u0259yi pisdir ki, bu planla\u015fd\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f ail\u0259nin? Z\u0259man\u0259ti d\u0259 var \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259. M\u0259s\u0259l\u0259n: 10 il, \u0259n az\u0131 25 il v\u0259 s. Ancaq m\u0259n d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr\u0259m ki, ail\u0259l\u0259r qurulan zaman insanlar bir-birin\u0259 \u00fcr\u0259yini ver\u0259ydi\u2026 \u00dcst\u00fcnd\u0259 d\u0259 z\u0259man\u0259t kart\u0131. Yaz\u0131layd\u0131: \u201cZ\u0259man\u0259ti: bir \u00f6m\u00fcr\u2026\u201d
Amma yaz\u0131lm\u0131r. B\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259, bel\u0259 olsa, insan\u0131n robotdan f\u0259rqi olmazd\u0131. \u0130nsan el\u0259 bu c\u00fcr yax\u015f\u0131d\u0131, plans\u0131z h\u0259yat\u2026 Planla\u015fd\u0131r\u0131lmam\u0131\u015f u\u011fur v\u0259 u\u011fursuzluqlar, onda h\u0259yat daha maraql\u0131 ke\u00e7ir.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOvu\u201d u\u011fursuz olan \u00f6l\u00fcm\u0259,
P\u0259rt olmu\u015f \u0259c\u0259l\u0259
g\u00fcl\u0259 bilm\u0259dim yen\u0259 d\u0259\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130lahi, s\u00f6z\u0259 bax… B\u0259s m\u0259n? M\u0259n niy\u0259 g\u00fcl\u0259 bilm\u0259dim p\u0259rt olmu\u015f \u0259c\u0259l\u0259? Bu \u015fairi bilmir\u0259m, amma m\u0259n g\u00fcl\u0259 bil\u0259rdim, \u0259g\u0259r \u0259c\u0259l t\u0259k m\u0259ni aparma\u011fa g\u0259ls\u0259ydi… Amma bu \u0259c\u0259l ba\u015f\u0131na da\u015f d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f, (el qar\u011f\u0131\u015f\u0131 il\u0259 qar\u011fad\u0131m onu) balam\u0131 da aparma\u011fa g\u0259lmi\u015fdi. Apard\u0131 balam\u0131 \u00f6z\u00fcyl\u0259… M\u0259ni is\u0259 aparma\u011fa g\u00fcc\u00fc \u00e7atmad\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131 batm\u0131\u015f \u0259c\u0259lin. Onun bu p\u0259rtliyin\u0259 g\u00fcl\u0259 bil\u0259rdim \u0259slind\u0259, balam\u0131 da aparmasayd\u0131… G\u00fclm\u0259dim… Balam\u0131n yoxlu\u011funa g\u00fcl\u0259 bilm\u0259dim… Ehhh…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hesabl\u0131 evlilikd\u0259n karl\u0131 \u00e7\u0131xmayan h\u0259r k\u0259s idi… \u00d6vladlar\u0131n\u0131 xo\u015fb\u0259xt g\u00f6rm\u0259k ist\u0259y\u0259n \u00fc\u00e7 bac\u0131 da, g\u0259nc ana da, d\u00fcnyaya \u00f6z ki\u00e7ik g\u00f6zl\u0259riyl\u0259 boylanan q\u0131zc\u0131\u011faz da… \u00dc\u00e7 bac\u0131 \u00f6z \u00f6vladlar\u0131na g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u00fc\u015fm\u0259n olma\u011f\u0131 da bacarmad\u0131lar, dost olma\u011f\u0131 da… \u00dc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc bac\u0131n\u0131n o\u011flu az ke\u00e7m\u0259d\u0259n elan etdi ki, iki bac\u0131n\u0131n sevimli q\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 sevmir… Sevgi dey\u0259 bir \u015fey yoxmu\u015f bu evlilikd\u0259… H\u0259r \u015fey saat d\u0259qiqliyi il\u0259 hesablanan bu evlilikd\u0259 t\u0259kc\u0259 sevgi hesaba sal\u0131nmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. El\u0259 ona g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259 sevgi qisas\u0131n\u0131 yaman pis ald\u0131. Sevginin haqs\u0131zl\u0131q etdiyi c\u0259mi bir n\u0259f\u0259r vard\u0131. O da balaca q\u0131zc\u0131\u011faz idi… Anas\u0131n\u0131n t\u0259k sevinci olan bu q\u0131z\u0131n bundan sonrak\u0131 h\u0259yat\u0131nda atas\u0131na yer olmayacaqd\u0131. Bunu anas\u0131 se\u00e7mi\u015fdi, m\u00fc\u0259yy\u0259n etmi\u015fdi, q\u0259ti q\u0259rara g\u0259lmi\u015fdi. V\u0259 bacard\u0131\u011f\u0131 q\u0259d\u0259r ana bunu etdi d\u0259…
…Ana \u00f6z k\u00f6rp\u0259sin\u0259 \u201cata\u201d k\u0259lm\u0259sini \u00f6yr\u0259tdi. \u00d6z\u00fc d\u0259 sevgiyl\u0259… Onu ataya olan sevgid\u0259n t\u0259crid etm\u0259di. Lakin, ata s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fcn yan\u0131nda daha bir k\u0259lm\u0259ni d\u0259 \u0259zb\u0259rl\u0259tdi q\u0131z\u0131na: \u201cAta \u00f6l\u00fcb…\u201d Evd\u0259 \u2013 uca v\u0259 a\u011f divarlar\u0131n aras\u0131nda Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u0259rk\u00f6y\u00fcn b\u00f6y\u00fcy\u00fcrd\u00fc. Evin t\u0259k u\u015fa\u011f\u0131 oldu\u011fundan anas\u0131 da, n\u0259n\u0259si d\u0259 onun naz\u0131yla oynay\u0131rd\u0131lar. O bir n\u00f6v \u201canau\u015fa\u011f\u0131\u201d kimi b\u00f6y\u00fcy\u00fcrd\u00fc. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u0259zdi ki, n\u0259 vaxtsa paltar\u0131n\u0131 da t\u0259k geyin\u0259 bil\u0259r.
\u0130ki qad\u0131n vard\u0131 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn h\u0259yatda. Biri ill\u0259rl\u0259 be\u015fiy\u0259 h\u00fcznl\u0259 baxan, \u00f6vlads\u0131zl\u0131q y\u00fck\u00fcnd\u0259n b\u00fck\u00fcl\u0259n n\u0259n\u0259, dig\u0259ri is\u0259 \u00f6mr\u00fc g\u00fcl a\u00e7mam\u0131\u015f solan, t\u0259k t\u0259s\u0259llisi yegan\u0259 q\u0131z\u0131 olan g\u0259nc ana… Onlar el\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc ki, h\u0259rt\u0259r\u0259fli t\u0259minat, naz\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7\u0259km\u0259k Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u0259 atas\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 dadd\u0131rmayacaq… Lakin q\u0131zc\u0131\u011faz \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn atan\u0131n yeri h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc. P\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259d\u0259n k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259d\u0259n ke\u00e7\u0259n u\u015faqlar\u0131n atas\u0131n\u0131n \u0259lind\u0259n tutmas\u0131na baxard\u0131. \u00d6z balaca \u0259ll\u0259rini birl\u0259\u015fdirib bunu m\u0259\u015fq ed\u0259rdi sanki… Onun \u00f6z balaca d\u00fcnyas\u0131 atas\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ya\u015fay\u0131rd\u0131… Bunu anas\u0131 v\u0259 n\u0259n\u0259si hiss etm\u0259s\u0259 d\u0259… Atas\u0131zl\u0131q onun \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn d\u0259rd olmu\u015fdu. Ki\u00e7ik \u00fcr\u0259yinin b\u00f6y\u00fck d\u0259rdi…
Ana da i\u015fl\u0259yirdi, n\u0259n\u0259 d\u0259… Ki\u00e7ik q\u0131z\u0131n o q\u0259d\u0259r paltar\u0131 vard\u0131 ki, bilmirdi hans\u0131n\u0131 se\u00e7sin… Ham\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 oyuncaq kimi oynad\u0131rd\u0131…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u018fslind\u0259 m\u0259n u\u015faql\u0131q ya\u015famam\u0131\u015fam… Ya\u015f\u0131m u\u015faq ya\u015f\u0131 olub, amma \u00fcr\u0259yim u\u015faq \u00fcr\u0259yi olmay\u0131b… Bel\u0259dirs\u0259, bunun n\u0259yi u\u015faql\u0131qd\u0131r ki?! Yad\u0131mda o q\u0259d\u0259r \u015fey qal\u0131b ki, u\u015faql\u0131q d\u00f6vr\u00fcnd\u0259n… \u201cKa\u015f qalmayayd\u0131\u201d kimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcy\u00fcm anlar da olur.
Evd\u0259 olan yolagetm\u0259zlikd\u0259n bezmi\u015fdim. Bu s\u00f6z\u00fc babamdan e\u015fitmi\u015fdim. H\u0259r d\u0259f\u0259 evimizd\u0259 anamla atam aras\u0131nda d\u00fc\u015f\u0259n m\u00fcbahis\u0259nin sonu dava olard\u0131. Babalar\u0131m qar\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131 i\u015f\u0259… \u0130kisi d\u0259 eyni s\u00f6z\u00fc dem\u0259kl\u0259 kifay\u0259tl\u0259nirdil\u0259r: \u201cYola getmirl\u0259r, eh, bunlar…\u201d Bu s\u00f6z\u00fcn m\u0259nas\u0131n\u0131 bilmirdim. El\u0259 bilirdim ki, bu s\u00f6z yaln\u0131z dava-dala\u015f dem\u0259kdi… Yad\u0131mda qalan zamanlardan dava vaxt\u0131 qa\u00e7\u0131b i\u00e7\u0259ri gizl\u0259nm\u0259yim as\u0131l\u0131b… \u018fldam\u0131n\u0131n tavan\u0131ndak\u0131 tirl\u0259rd\u0259n as\u0131lan quru \u0259v\u0259lik torbas\u0131 kimi yell\u0259nm\u0259kd\u0259n d\u0259 qorxur u\u015faql\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n bu ki\u00e7ik par\u00e7as\u0131… Qa\u00e7\u0131b gizl\u0259nirdim qonaq ota\u011f\u0131ndak\u0131 y\u00fck\u00fcn alt\u0131nda. O q\u0259d\u0259r balaca idim ki, \u00e7arpay\u0131n\u0131n alt\u0131nda otururdum, ba\u015f\u0131m \u00e7arpay\u0131ya d\u0259ymirdi. Orada oturub d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm ki, m\u0259n b\u00f6y\u00fcy\u0259nd\u0259 h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 \u201cyola ged\u0259c\u0259y\u0259m\u201d. \u201cYolagetm\u0259zlik\u201d n\u0259dirs\u0259, onu evimizd\u0259n qovaca\u011fam. M\u0259ni oradan tap\u0131b \u00e7\u0131xaran olmurdu. He\u00e7 axtaran da. Saatlarla orada otursam da, n\u0259 acm\u0131rd\u0131m, n\u0259 d\u0259 yuxum g\u0259lmirdi. Sad\u0259c\u0259, \u00fc\u015f\u00fcy\u00fcrd\u00fcm. B\u0259rk \u00fc\u015f\u00fcy\u00fcrd\u00fcm. El\u0259 ki ara sakitl\u0259\u015firdi, evd\u0259 s\u0259ssizliyi duyurdum, tez \u00e7\u0131x\u0131rd\u0131m ordan. Anam\u0131n yan\u0131na qa\u00e7ard\u0131m. Anam \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 bax\u0131b doluxsunmu\u015f g\u00f6zl\u0259ril\u0259 ox\u015fayard\u0131 m\u0259ni. Onun bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n h\u0259min ifad\u0259si bu g\u00fcn d\u0259 g\u00f6zl\u0259rimin \u00f6n\u00fcnd\u0259dir… O ifad\u0259ni u\u015faq yadda\u015f\u0131ma el\u0259 yazm\u0131\u015fam ki…
Oyuncaqlar\u0131m da az idi… G\u0259linciyim he\u00e7 vaxt olmay\u0131b. C\u0259mi bir d\u0259f\u0259 kims\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 b\u00f6y\u00fck, \u00f6z\u00fcm boyda bir g\u0259lincik alm\u0131\u015fd\u0131, anam\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131 qar\u0131\u015fan kimi s\u0131nd\u0131rd\u0131m, sa\u00e7\u0131n\u0131 yoldum, apar\u0131b p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259d\u0259n e\u015fiy\u0259 atd\u0131m. Bununla da g\u0259lincik d\u00f6vr\u00fc bitdi. Bundan sonra he\u00e7 vaxt he\u00e7 kim m\u0259n\u0259 g\u0259lincik almad\u0131… M\u0259n d\u0259 g\u0259lincikl\u0259 oynamad\u0131m…
Deyirl\u0259r, q\u0131z u\u015faqlar\u0131na ona g\u00f6r\u0259 g\u0259lincik al\u0131rlar ki, o anal\u0131q duy\u011fusuna al\u0131\u015fs\u0131n. K\u00f6rp\u0259ni qay\u011f\u0131yla \u0259hat\u0259 etm\u0259y\u0259 \u00f6yr\u0259\u015fsin. Deyirl\u0259r, guya q\u0131z u\u015faqlar\u0131 anal\u0131\u011fa haz\u0131r olurlar g\u0259lincikl\u0259 b\u00f6y\u00fcy\u0259nd\u0259… Qucaqlar\u0131nda g\u0259lincik yatanda ana duy\u011fular\u0131 oyan\u0131r onlarda… M\u0259nims\u0259 he\u00e7 vaxt g\u0259linciyim olmad\u0131. Olmad\u0131… Olmad\u0131!!!
Bunun \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259 d\u0259 m\u0259ntiq varm\u0131\u015f… M\u0259n \u201cana\u201d ola bilm\u0259dim… Bilm\u0259dim… Bilm\u0259dim!!! \u018fslind\u0259, bu, m\u0259nim bacar\u0131qlar\u0131m xaricind\u0259 idi. Bu da al\u0131n yaz\u0131s\u0131 idi…
\u201cDinimizd\u0259 \u201cal\u0131n yaz\u0131s\u0131\u201d, \u201cqism\u0259t\u201d kimi anlay\u0131\u015flar m\u00f6vcuddur. V\u0259 \u00e7ox t\u0259\u0259ss\u00fcf ki, bu anlay\u0131\u015flar\u0131n d\u00fczg\u00fcn qavran\u0131lmamas\u0131 n\u0259tic\u0259 etibaril\u0259 bir \u00e7ox insanlar\u0131n \u00f6zl\u0259rin\u0259 b\u0259ra\u0259t qazand\u0131rmalar\u0131na s\u0259b\u0259b olur\u201d.
B\u0259s m\u0259n? M\u0259n ana olmad\u0131m dey\u0259 al\u0131n yaz\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 b\u0259ra\u0259t qazand\u0131rmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcnm\u00fc uydurmu\u015fam? Yox… \u00c7\u00fcnki ana olmaq \u0259limd\u0259 deyildi… Balam\u0131 alan \u0259c\u0259ll\u0259 sava\u015fmaq da \u0259limd\u0259 deyildi… Bacarm\u0131rd\u0131m, yox, bacara da bilm\u0259zdim…
C\u0259mi iki oyunca\u011f\u0131m vard\u0131: bir sar\u0131 d\u0259l\u0259 v\u0259 bir sar\u0131 z\u00fcraf\u0259… H\u0259r ikisini qar\u015f\u0131-qar\u015f\u0131ya qoyub saatlarla onlara bax\u0131rd\u0131m. Fikrimd\u0259 onlar\u0131 dan\u0131\u015fd\u0131rard\u0131m. Onlar\u0131n s\u00f6hb\u0259ti m\u0259n\u0259 o q\u0259d\u0259r maraql\u0131 g\u0259lirdi ki… Evimiz\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259nl\u0259r anama deyirdil\u0259r:
\u2013 Bu nec\u0259 sakit u\u015faqd\u0131r. El\u0259 oturub oyuncaqlara bax\u0131r, v\u0259ssalam. Bizimkil\u0259r evi da\u011f\u0131d\u0131r ey b\u00fct\u00fcn.
Anam is\u0259 m\u0259nim bu s\u0259ssizliyimd\u0259n narahat olurdu. Ana idi ax\u0131… Balas\u0131n\u0131n s\u0259ssiz duraraq \u00f6z balaca q\u0259lbind\u0259 n\u0259yi gizl\u0259tdiyini ondan yax\u015f\u0131 kims\u0259 bil\u0259 bilm\u0259zdi… H\u0259m d\u0259 u\u015faql\u0131qdan el\u0259 hey a\u011fr\u0131y\u0131rd\u0131m. A\u011fr\u0131yan yerimi d\u0259qiq dem\u0259y\u0259 dilimin g\u00fcc\u00fc \u00e7atmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 vaxtlarda bel\u0259 a\u011fr\u0131y\u0131rd\u0131m. V\u0259 anam\u0131n g\u00f6zl\u0259rind\u0259ki t\u0259la\u015f dolu pe\u015fman\u00e7\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00f6r\u0259nd\u0259 anlay\u0131rd\u0131m ki, m\u0259n anam\u0131n a\u011fr\u0131yan yeriy\u0259m… Anam m\u0259niml\u0259 a\u011flay\u0131r, a\u011fr\u0131y\u0131r, g\u00f6yn\u0259yirdi… M\u0259nim oyuncaqlar\u0131m dan\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131lar ki, bu balaca, qaraca, \u00e7irkin q\u0131z b\u00f6y\u00fcy\u0259nd\u0259 daha a\u011fr\u0131mayacaq… \u00d6z\u00fcn\u0259 sar\u0131 r\u0259ngli don alacaq, anas\u0131na is\u0259 qara r\u0259ngli corablar… Daha anas\u0131 corab\u0131n\u0131 yamay\u0131b geyinm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k… Onlar\u0131n bu s\u00f6hb\u0259ti m\u0259n\u0259 el\u0259 xo\u015f g\u0259lirdi ki…
\u0130ndinin \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259 d\u0259 anama az\u0131 h\u0259ft\u0259d\u0259 bir c\u00fct corab al\u0131ram… Anam\u0131n donu azd\u0131r, amma corab\u0131 \u00e7oxdur… \u201cNiy\u0259 al\u0131rsan?\u201d \u2013 dey\u0259 danlay\u0131r m\u0259ni h\u0259rd\u0259n… Ancaq bilmir ki, bunu m\u0259n o s\u0259ssiz \u201cdan\u0131\u015fan\u201d oyuncaqlar\u0131ma s\u00f6z vermi\u015f\u0259m… Bunu onlar dan\u0131\u015f\u0131blar o vaxtlar…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

H\u0259r n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim paltarlar\u0131n\u0131, evd\u0259ki bahal\u0131 qab-qaca\u011f\u0131 oyuncaq ets\u0259 d\u0259, t\u0259k oynamaq onu s\u0131x\u0131rd\u0131. T\u0259k oynamaq m\u0259nas\u0131z idi…
H\u0259r\u00e7\u0259nd, o, \u00f6z u\u015faq a\u011fl\u0131yla s\u0131x\u0131lma\u011f\u0131n, m\u0259nas\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n n\u0259 oldu\u011funu bilmirdi, lakin t\u0259k oynamaq ist\u0259mirdi. U\u015faq a\u011fl\u0131yla birc\u0259 \u015fey d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc: t\u0259k olmaq da, t\u0259k oynamaq da pisdir… \u00c7ox pis…
N\u0259n\u0259 v\u0259 ana ona ba\u015fqa u\u015faqlarla oynama\u011f\u0131 qada\u011fan etmi\u015fdil\u0259r. Qorxurdular ki, u\u015faqlarla k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259d\u0259 oynayanda qa\u00e7\u0131b t\u0259rl\u0259y\u0259r, soyuqlayar. Evd\u0259 olanda qap\u0131n\u0131 i\u00e7\u0259rid\u0259n ba\u011flay\u0131rd\u0131lar ki, bird\u0259n ba\u015flar\u0131 qar\u0131\u015fanda qa\u00e7\u0131b e\u015fiy\u0259 ged\u0259r, x\u0259st\u0259l\u0259n\u0259r…
Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim fiziki c\u0259h\u0259td\u0259n z\u0259if u\u015faq idi… B\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259, qorunmas\u0131n\u0131n s\u0259b\u0259bi onun z\u0259ifliyiydi. Ki\u00e7ik q\u0131zc\u0131\u011faz p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259d\u0259n \u00e7\u00f6l\u0259 boylan\u0131nca u\u015faqlar\u0131n oyunlar\u0131nda, \u015f\u0259n s\u0259sl\u0259rind\u0259 bel\u0259 bir nisgil duyurdu…
H\u0259sr\u0259tin n\u0259 oldu\u011funu h\u0259l\u0259 onda anlam\u0131\u015fd\u0131… K\u00fc\u00e7\u0259y\u0259 h\u0259rd\u0259n \u00e7\u0131xanda u\u015faqlar barmaqla onu g\u00f6st\u0259rib deyirdil\u0259r:
\u2013 Bax\u0131n, onu anas\u0131 oynama\u011fa qoymur…
Biri \u0259g\u0259r onu oynama\u011fa \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rsa, o birisi tez ucadan s\u0259sl\u0259nirdi:
\u2013 \u00c7a\u011f\u0131rma… Onsuz da anas\u0131 icaz\u0259 verm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259k…
Bu s\u00f6zl\u0259r onu a\u011fr\u0131d\u0131rd\u0131… Ax\u0131 niy\u0259 o ba\u015fqalar\u0131 kimi olmamal\u0131yd\u0131? Niy\u0259 f\u0259rqli idi? D\u00fczd\u00fc, onun da \u00f6z \u015f\u0131ltaql\u0131\u011f\u0131, nadincliyi, u\u015faq naz\u0131 vard\u0131… Amma yaln\u0131z anas\u0131na v\u0259 n\u0259n\u0259sin\u0259 naz ed\u0259rdi. Onlar\u0131n s\u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259n \u00e7\u0131x\u0131b u\u015faqlara qar\u0131\u015fmazd\u0131…
Zaman ke\u00e7dikc\u0259 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin d\u0259 arzular\u0131 ir\u0259lil\u0259yirdi… H\u0259r \u015feyl\u0259 maraqlan\u0131rd\u0131, h\u0259r \u015fey haqq\u0131nda bilm\u0259y\u0259 can at\u0131rd\u0131… Arzusu, \u00f6z\u00fc d\u0259 \u0259n b\u00f6y\u00fck arzusu alim olmaq idi.
Balaca q\u0131zc\u0131\u011faz\u0131 evd\u0259 t\u0259k buraxma\u011f\u0131n \u00e7\u0259tinliyini anayla n\u0259n\u0259 \u00f6z a\u011fr\u0131l\u0131 \u00fcr\u0259kl\u0259rind\u0259 da\u015f\u0131y\u0131rd\u0131lar. \u00dc\u00e7 ya\u015fl\u0131 q\u0131z\u0131n \u0259lind\u0259n tutub ba\u011f\u00e7aya apard\u0131lar. G\u00fcl\u0259r\u00fczl\u00fc, mehribanl\u0131\u011f\u0131 barmaqlar\u0131n\u0131n toxunu\u015funa k\u00f6kl\u0259n\u0259n t\u0259rbiy\u0259\u00e7i-m\u00fc\u0259llim Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin \u0259lind\u0259n tutub stolda \u0259yl\u0259\u015fdirdi. Sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 tumarlad\u0131… H\u0259r tumar\u0131nda bir qay\u011f\u0131s\u0131zl\u0131q g\u00f6r\u00fcns\u0259 d\u0259, \u0259slind\u0259 onun \u00fcr\u0259yind\u0259ki gizli t\u0259r\u0259dd\u00fcdl\u0259r barmaqlar\u0131nda titr\u0259yirdi… Bu titr\u0259yi\u015f k\u00f6rp\u0259 q\u0131zc\u0131\u011faz\u0131n tell\u0259rini d\u0259 titr\u0259dirdi… Anas\u0131n\u0131n i\u015f\u0259 getm\u0259k saat\u0131 \u00e7atd\u0131. Qad\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b h\u00fcznl\u00fc bir \u015f\u0259kild\u0259 otaqdan \u00e7\u0131xmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn qap\u0131ya y\u00f6n\u0259ldi. Bu an q\u0131zc\u0131\u011faz\u0131n t\u0259la\u015fdan b\u00f6y\u00fcy\u0259n g\u00f6zl\u0259ri anas\u0131n\u0131n arxas\u0131nca boyland\u0131. V\u0259 c\u0259ldlikl\u0259 aya\u011fa s\u0131\u00e7ray\u0131b ki\u00e7icik boyuna uymayan hikk\u0259yl\u0259 qap\u0131ya do\u011fru cumdu. T\u0259rbiy\u0259\u00e7i-m\u00fc\u0259llim h\u0259r n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r onu q\u0131l\u0131qlama\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsa da, anas\u0131 i\u015f\u0259 getdiyini des\u0259 d\u0259, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim nazik barmaqlar\u0131n\u0131 anas\u0131n\u0131n donundan qoparmad\u0131…
O g\u00fcnd\u0259n sonra ana v\u0259 n\u0259n\u0259 n\u00f6vb\u0259 il\u0259 q\u0131zc\u0131\u011faz\u0131 \u00f6zl\u0259riyl\u0259 b\u0259rab\u0259r i\u015f\u0259 apar\u0131rd\u0131lar. Ana pamb\u0131qt\u0259mizl\u0259m\u0259 zavodunda i\u015fl\u0259yirdi. N\u0259n\u0259 is\u0259 camaat\u0131n xeyir-\u015f\u0259rind\u0259 \u201c\u0259l-\u0259l axtar\u0131lan\u201d a\u015fpaz idi.
El m\u0259clisl\u0259rind\u0259 sakitc\u0259 bir k\u00fcncd\u0259 oturan q\u0131z\u0131n mara\u011f\u0131n\u0131 he\u00e7 n\u0259 \u00e7\u0259kmirdi. Sad\u0259c\u0259, insanlar\u0131n s\u0259s-k\u00fcy\u00fcn\u0259 al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Zavodda is\u0259 saatlarla qaranqu\u015fun yuvas\u0131na bax\u0131rd\u0131. U\u015faq a\u011fl\u0131yla onun yuvas\u0131n\u0131n i\u00e7ini t\u0259x\u0259yy\u00fcl\u00fcnd\u0259 canland\u0131r\u0131rd\u0131. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn qaranqu\u015fun yuvas\u0131nda ki\u00e7ik taxta stullar, b\u0259z\u0259kli \u00e7arpay\u0131, qaranqu\u015f balalar\u0131n\u0131n c\u00fcrb\u0259c\u00fcr oyuncaqlar\u0131 var idi…
Bel\u0259c\u0259, ill\u0259ri yola sal\u0131rd\u0131lar… Art\u0131q Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin 5 ya\u015f\u0131 vard\u0131. Bu g\u00fcn onu \u00f6z\u00fcyl\u0259 aparmaq anan\u0131n n\u00f6vb\u0259si idi. \u0130\u015f\u0259 \u00e7at\u0131nca i\u015f\u00e7il\u0259rd\u0259n biri zavod direktorunun t\u0259cili iclas ke\u00e7ir\u0259c\u0259yini dedi. Anas\u0131 q\u0131z\u0131 iclas ke\u00e7iril\u0259c\u0259k zala biti\u015fik ota\u011fa apar\u0131b, orada sakitc\u0259 oturmas\u0131n\u0131 tap\u015f\u0131rd\u0131. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim buradan direktorun z\u0259hmli s\u0259sini e\u015fits\u0259 d\u0259, onun \u00e7\u0131\u011f\u0131r-ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131n\u0131 anlam\u0131rd\u0131. Bu s\u0259s onu yar\u0131qaranl\u0131q otaqda vahim\u0259l\u0259ndirirdi. Qorxa-qorxa aya\u011fa qalx\u0131b asta-asta yerim\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flad\u0131. Bura ba\u015f m\u00fch\u0259ndisin t\u0259cr\u00fcb\u0259 ota\u011f\u0131 oldu\u011fundan d\u0259zgahlarla dolu idi. U\u015faq mara\u011f\u0131 qorxuya \u00fcst\u00fcn g\u0259lirdi… V\u0259 g\u0259ldi d\u0259! Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim d\u0259zgahlar\u0131n birin\u0259 yax\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131. \u00dcst\u00fc b\u0259z\u0259kli, r\u0259ngb\u0259r\u0259ng d\u00fcym\u0259l\u0259rl\u0259 dolu idi. Bu d\u00fcym\u0259l\u0259ri yax\u015f\u0131 g\u00f6rm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn balaca dabanlar\u0131n\u0131 qald\u0131rd\u0131. Bir az bel\u0259c\u0259 baxd\u0131, baxd\u0131… Yoruldu. Ayaqlar\u0131n\u0131 yer\u0259 \u00fcr\u0259kl\u0259 bas\u0131b n\u0259f\u0259sini d\u0259rdi. Ancaq bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131 h\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 d\u00fcym\u0259l\u0259rd\u0259 ili\u015fib qalm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Yen\u0259 d\u0259zgaha yax\u0131nla\u015f\u0131b dabanlar\u0131n\u0131 qald\u0131rd\u0131. \u015e\u0259had\u0259t barma\u011f\u0131ndan ba\u015fqa b\u00fct\u00fcn barmaqlar\u0131n\u0131 qatlad\u0131. Ehmalca q\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 d\u00fcym\u0259ni basd\u0131…
D\u0259zgah\u0131n d\u0259mir cingiltisin\u0259 b\u0259nz\u0259y\u0259n s\u0259si b\u00fct\u00fcn zavodu b\u00fcr\u00fcm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. Direktor qap\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7anda Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u0259ll\u0259rini arxas\u0131nda gizl\u0259dib qorxmu\u015f halda divara q\u0131s\u0131lm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Anas\u0131 c\u0259ld u\u015fa\u011f\u0131 quca\u011f\u0131na al\u0131b t\u0259la\u015fla dill\u0259nmi\u015fdi:
\u2013 Ba\u011f\u0131\u015flay\u0131n, m\u0259cbur qal\u0131b g\u0259tirmi\u015fdim \u00f6z\u00fcml\u0259… Bir daha olmaz…
H\u0259min g\u00fcn Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin anas\u0131 il\u0259 i\u015f\u0259 getdiyi son g\u00fcn oldu. Art\u0131q n\u0259n\u0259 d\u0259 onu el m\u0259clisl\u0259rin\u0259, x\u00fcsusil\u0259, yas \u00e7ad\u0131rlar\u0131na aparmaqdan utan\u0131rd\u0131. Buna g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259 m\u0259cbur qal\u0131b u\u015fa\u011f\u0131 5 ya\u015f\u0131nda birinci sinf\u0259 apard\u0131lar…
Ana il\u0259 n\u0259n\u0259 h\u0259yat\u0131n b\u00fct\u00fcn r\u0259ngl\u0259rini q\u0131za yax\u015f\u0131 t\u0259r\u0259fd\u0259n, parlaql\u0131\u011f\u0131 il\u0259 g\u00f6st\u0259rm\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131lar. Ancaq onlar bilmirdil\u0259r ki, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim bu r\u0259ngl\u0259rin sol\u011funlu\u011funu duyur. Onu Yaradan bel\u0259 yarad\u0131b… Atas\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ya\u015fayan q\u0259lbin\u0259, fiziki c\u0259h\u0259td\u0259n z\u0259if b\u0259d\u0259nin\u0259 r\u0259\u011fm\u0259n onda el\u0259 bir q\u0259rib\u0259 duy\u011fu var ki, Tanr\u0131 onu h\u0259r b\u0259nd\u0259sin\u0259 vermir. Bu duy\u011funun ad\u0131n\u0131 h\u0259l\u0259 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00f6z\u00fc d\u0259 bilmirdi…
Ana m\u00fc\u0259llim\u0259y\u0259 ilk g\u00fcnd\u0259n tap\u015f\u0131rm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 ki, onu u\u015faqlarla h\u0259y\u0259td\u0259 oynama\u011fa qoymas\u0131n. \u00c7\u00fcnki y\u0131x\u0131lar, \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259 c\u0131z\u0131q izi qalar. Bir q\u0259d\u0259r sad\u0259l\u00f6vh kimi g\u00f6r\u00fcns\u0259 d\u0259, bu ist\u0259k s\u0259b\u0259bsiz deyildi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin a\u011f, s\u00fcd kimi t\u0259r-t\u0259miz b\u0259nizi anas\u0131n\u0131n ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131 idi… Bu ayd\u0131nl\u0131q ana \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn h\u0259yat\u0131n bulan\u0131q tufanlar\u0131n\u0131 yuyub aparan dumduru sular idi…
Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim he\u00e7 vaxt u\u015faqlarla oynam\u0131rd\u0131. Daim b\u00f6y\u00fckl\u0259rin m\u00fcdrik k\u0259lamlar\u0131n\u0131 e\u015fidir, onlara riay\u0259t etm\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131. Ham\u0131 onun a\u011f\u0131ll\u0131 u\u015faq oldu\u011funu deyirdi. Qon\u015fular, qohumlar \u00f6z u\u015faqlar\u0131na onu misal \u00e7\u0259kirdil\u0259r. Ona is\u0259 el\u0259 g\u0259lirdi ki, n\u0259s\u0259 d\u00fczg\u00fcn deyil. Ax\u0131 ya\u015fl\u0131lar\u0131n, b\u00f6y\u00fckl\u0259rin, m\u00fc\u0259lliml\u0259rin m\u0259sl\u0259h\u0259tin\u0259 oldu\u011fu kimi \u0259m\u0259l ed\u0259n t\u0259kc\u0259 o idi.
H\u0259tta bir d\u0259f\u0259 direktor m\u00fcavini m\u0259kt\u0259b kollektivi qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda m\u0259s\u0259l\u0259 qald\u0131rm\u0131\u015fd\u0131: \u201cVII sinifd\u0259 oxumas\u0131na baxmayaraq, biz Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimi x\u00fcsusi s\u0259liq\u0259sin\u0259, nizam-intizam\u0131na, davran\u0131\u015f\u0131na, h\u0259tta savad\u0131na, VIII sinfin proqram\u0131n\u0131 bildiyin\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 bir sinif yuxar\u0131 ke\u00e7irm\u0259k ist\u0259yirik\u201d. Amma anas\u0131 raz\u0131 olmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Onsuz da Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim m\u0259kt\u0259b\u0259 5 ya\u015f\u0131nda getmi\u015fdi. Bir sinif d\u0259 qabaqlamaq onun c\u0131l\u0131z b\u0259d\u0259nin\u0259, d\u00fcma\u011f sif\u0259tin\u0259 yara\u015fmazd\u0131\u2026 Anas\u0131 bel\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc\u2026
\u00d6zl\u00fcy\u00fcnd\u0259 is\u0259 ana q\u0131z\u0131yla f\u0259xr edirdi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimi o q\u0259d\u0259r t\u0259rifl\u0259yirdil\u0259r ki, b\u00fct\u00fcn u\u015faqlar d\u0259rsd\u0259 onunla oturmaq ist\u0259yir, t\u0259n\u0259ff\u00fcsl\u0259rd\u0259 ba\u015fqa sinfin u\u015faqlar\u0131 onunla dan\u0131\u015fma\u011fa can at\u0131r, k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259d\u0259 qad\u0131nlar qucaqlay\u0131b \u00f6p\u00fcrd\u00fcl\u0259r. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar anan\u0131n, n\u0259n\u0259nin, m\u00fc\u0259lliml\u0259rin f\u0259r\u0259hin\u0259 s\u0259b\u0259b olsa da, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn yen\u0259 n\u0259s\u0259 tam deyildi\u2026
Rayonun i\u015f\u0131q-qaz sistemind\u0259 probleml\u0259r yaranm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Sovet d\u00f6n\u0259mind\u0259n qalan i\u015f\u0131q x\u0259tl\u0259ri, qaz borular\u0131 k\u00f6hn\u0259lmi\u015fdi, t\u0259mir\u0259 ehtiyac vard\u0131. T\u0259bii ki, t\u0259mir ba\u015fa \u00e7atana kimi m\u00fc\u0259yy\u0259n \u00e7\u0259tinlikl\u0259r olmal\u0131yd\u0131. Oldu da\u2026
Ana s\u0259h\u0259r tezd\u0259n oyan\u0131r, odun yar\u0131r, soban\u0131 qalay\u0131b \u00e7ay\u0131 qaynad\u0131r, q\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 ev isin\u0259nd\u0259n sonra yuxudan oyad\u0131rd\u0131. Ev tap\u015f\u0131r\u0131qlar\u0131n\u0131 is\u0259 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim ya ax\u015famdan neft lampas\u0131n\u0131n i\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131na, ya da ham\u0131dan bir saat \u0259vv\u0259l gedib m\u0259kt\u0259bd\u0259 haz\u0131rlay\u0131rd\u0131.
D\u0259rd g\u0259l\u0259nd\u0259 bird\u0259n g\u0259lir\u2026 Pamb\u0131qt\u0259mizl\u0259m\u0259 zavodu da f\u0259aliyy\u0259tini dayand\u0131rd\u0131. Ana art\u0131q i\u015fsiz idi. B\u00fct\u00fcn y\u00fck n\u0259n\u0259nin \u00e7iyinl\u0259rin\u0259 \u00f6z a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 salm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. \u018flb\u0259tt\u0259, ana buna d\u00f6z\u0259 bilm\u0259zdi. Odur ki, bazardan x\u0131rda m\u0259i\u015f\u0259t l\u0259vazimatlar\u0131 g\u0259tirib yax\u0131n qon\u015fular aras\u0131nda satma\u011fa ba\u015flad\u0131. Bel\u0259c\u0259, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin g\u00fcnd\u0259lik d\u0259ft\u0259r-kitab x\u0259rcini \u00fcst\u0259l\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Zamanla bunu bacard\u0131\u011f\u0131na evd\u0259 ham\u0131-n\u0259n\u0259 d\u0259, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim d\u0259 sevinirdi.
Q\u0131z\u0131n sevinm\u0259yi d\u0259 q\u0259rib\u0259 idi. Ham\u0131 kimi sevin\u0259 bilmirdi el\u0259 bil. \u00dcr\u0259yind\u0259 h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 sevincin k\u00f6lg\u0259sind\u0259 bir nisgil olurdu. Bu nisgil onu gizlinc\u0259 ota\u011fa \u00e7\u0259kilib saatlarla a\u011flama\u011fa m\u0259cbur edirdi. \u018fvv\u0259ll\u0259r bel\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcns\u0259 d\u0259, b\u00f6y\u00fcd\u00fckc\u0259 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim gizli a\u011flamaqlardan \u00fcr\u0259yinin bo\u015fald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, nisgilinin \u015fam kimi \u00f6l\u0259zidiyini anlad\u0131. V\u0259 \u00f6zl\u00fcy\u00fcnd\u0259 yax\u015f\u0131 oxumaq, ali t\u0259hsil almaq, anas\u0131na \u00f6z savad\u0131 il\u0259 dayaq durmaq q\u0259rar\u0131na g\u0259ldi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

M\u0259kt\u0259bi bitir\u0259nd\u0259 sinifd\u0259 on s\u0259kkiz u\u015faq idik. \u018fn kas\u0131b\u0131 m\u0259n idim. \u018fn yax\u015f\u0131 oxuyan\u0131 da. M\u0259ni d\u0259 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim kimi ham\u0131 \u00f6z u\u015fa\u011f\u0131na misal \u00e7\u0259kirdi. Ad\u0131m\u0131 e\u015fidib \u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc g\u00f6rm\u0259y\u0259nl\u0259r d\u0259 vard\u0131. Bu valideynl\u0259r vaxta\u015f\u0131r\u0131 atam\u0131n yan\u0131na d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcb biz\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259r, m\u0259n\u0259 baxard\u0131lar. \u018fn \u00e7ox yad\u0131mda qalan t\u0259\u0259cc\u00fcbl\u00fc bax\u0131\u015flar olurdu. Sanki bu bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131n ham\u0131s\u0131 eyni dild\u0259 dan\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131lar: \u201cBir bunun iyn\u0259 boyuna, bir d\u0259 dam-dolusu toyuna bax!\u201d. \u00c7ox balaca idim. N\u0259inki balaca, h\u0259m d\u0259 qaraca idim. Sinif yolda\u015flar\u0131m son z\u0259ngd\u0259n sonra \u00fcz\u00fc pay\u0131za toya haz\u0131rla\u015f\u0131rd\u0131lar. M\u0259ns\u0259 ali m\u0259kt\u0259b\u0259. B\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fcn\u00fc oxuyurdum.
D\u00f6vl\u0259t imtahan\u0131na bir ay vard\u0131 dey\u0259, son z\u0259ng \u0259r\u0259f\u0259sind\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 be\u015f-alt\u0131 g\u00fcn istirah\u0259t zaman\u0131 ay\u0131rm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m. Pill\u0259k\u0259nimizin \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259 yar\u0131m\u00e7\u0131q eyvan vard\u0131. Taxta \u00e7\u0259r\u00e7iv\u0259l\u0259r bir-birinin yan\u0131nda el\u0259 dayanm\u0131\u015fd\u0131lar ki, el\u0259 bil \u201cG\u00fcn\u0259\u015f krall\u0131\u011f\u0131\u201dn\u0131 f\u0259th etm\u0259y\u0259 ged\u0259c\u0259k Roma \u0259sg\u0259rl\u0259ri c\u0259ngav\u0259r \u0259mri g\u00f6zl\u0259yirdil\u0259r. Bu taxta \u00e7\u0259r\u00e7iv\u0259l\u0259rd\u0259n ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 azca ir\u0259li uzadanda evimizl\u0259 \u00fczb\u0259\u00fcz olan kitabxanan\u0131n qap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 ayd\u0131nca g\u00f6r\u0259 bilirdim. Bir g\u00fcn yen\u0259 kitabxanan\u0131n qap\u0131s\u0131na bax\u0131rd\u0131m. Dodaqlar\u0131m\u0131n aras\u0131ndan \u015feir s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015f, s\u0259n dem\u0259\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aradan alt\u0131 il \u00f6t\u00fcbd\u00fcr, g\u00fcl\u00fcm,
H\u0259l\u0259 \u00fcst\u00fcm-ba\u015f\u0131m idim\u0259 d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fcr.
Yad\u0131mdan he\u00e7 zaman \u00e7\u0131xmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u00e7\u00fcn,
Yad\u0131ma d\u00fc\u015fd\u00fcy\u00fcn yad\u0131ma d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fcr.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Misralar\u0131 t\u0259krar-t\u0259krar p\u0131\u00e7\u0131ldama\u011fa ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m anda sinif yolda\u015f\u0131m Minn\u0259tin yolayr\u0131c\u0131nda durub g\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc m\u0259n\u0259 zill\u0259diyini g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Sinifd\u0259 partalar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n aras\u0131nda bir add\u0131ml\u0131q m\u0259saf\u0259 vard\u0131. \u00dcz-\u00fcz\u0259 dayand\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z zamanlar az olmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. \u0130ndi is\u0259 Minn\u0259tin bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131 m\u0259n\u0259 ayr\u0131 c\u00fcr g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 geri \u00e7\u0259kib a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6kd\u00fcm. Aya\u011fa qalxd\u0131\u011f\u0131mda kitaba cumdum. \u00d6z\u00fcm\u0259 verdiyim istirah\u0259t g\u00fcnl\u0259rini tamamlamaq m\u00fcmk\u00fcn olmad\u0131.
D\u00f6vl\u0259t imtahanlar\u0131n\u0131n cavab\u0131 \u00e7\u0131x\u0131nca m\u0259lum oldu ki, imtahan ver\u0259n c\u0259mi alt\u0131 \u015fagirdd\u0259n yaln\u0131z ikisi: m\u0259n v\u0259 daim m\u0259niml\u0259 r\u0259qab\u0259td\u0259ymi\u015f kimi \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc h\u0259r add\u0131mda g\u00f6z\u0259 t\u0259p\u0259n \u0130nqilab t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 olaca\u011f\u0131q. M\u0259n sevinirdim\u2026 H\u0259l\u0259 d\u0259 o sevinci b\u0259z\u0259yib-d\u00fcz\u0259yib anlatmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn s\u00f6zl\u0259r tapa bilmir\u0259m\u2026
T\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 olmu\u015fdum. D\u00f6rdillik t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 h\u0259yat\u0131nda c\u0259mi iki cins \u015falvar\u0131m, bir qara, balaca \u00e7antam, u\u015faq ma\u011fazas\u0131ndan ucuz qiym\u0259t\u0259 ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u00fcst\u00fc \u201cc\u0131rt-c\u0131rtla\u201d ba\u011flanan bir ayaqqab\u0131m qarderobumu tamamlay\u0131rd\u0131.
B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlara qar\u015f\u0131l\u0131q, olduqca g\u00f6z\u0259l m\u00fc\u0259lliml\u0259rim vard\u0131\u2026 \u015eair \u0130nqilab \u0130saq, musiqi\u015f\u00fcnas \u015eirin Rzayev, professor Qabil Seyidov, professor K\u0259mal\u0259 Seyidzad\u0259… Bu d\u00f6rd m\u00fc\u0259llimin qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 kimi oturdu\u011fum \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn q\u00fcrur duyurdum. V\u0259 bu q\u00fcrur hissi m\u0259nim duy\u011fular\u0131mda \u00f6z \u00f6mr\u00fcn\u00fcn ikinci onilliyin\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259m qoyub. B\u00f6y\u00fck o\u011flan olsun!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Zaman \u00f6z i\u015fini g\u00f6r\u00fcr, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim b\u00f6y\u00fcy\u00fcrd\u00fc. Yeniyetm\u0259 \u00e7a\u011flar\u0131nda ham\u0131 onu qaradinm\u0259z, qa\u015fqabaql\u0131, lakin olduqca g\u00f6z\u0259l bir q\u0131z kimi tan\u0131y\u0131rd\u0131. B\u0259zil\u0259ri bu qaradinm\u0259zliyi g\u00f6z\u0259llikd\u0259n do\u011fan t\u0259k\u0259bb\u00fcr kimi qiym\u0259tl\u0259ndirir, kimisi is\u0259 bunu onun \u201ca\u011f\u0131ll\u0131\u201d, \u201cyer\u0259baxan\u201d q\u0131z kimi olmas\u0131yla \u0259laq\u0259l\u0259ndirirdi.
Ulu Tanr\u0131n\u0131n Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u0259 b\u0259x\u015f etdiyi \u0259n g\u00f6z\u0259l \u0259rm\u0259\u011fan onun i\u00e7ind\u0259, \u00fcr\u0259yind\u0259 idi. \u00d6z sirrini t\u00fcl r\u00fcb\u0259ndin alt\u0131nda gizl\u0259d\u0259n g\u00f6z\u0259l kimi cilv\u0259l\u0259nirdi, nazlan\u0131rd\u0131 onun duy\u011fular\u0131 h\u0259yat qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda. Daxilind\u0259ki tufanlar\u0131 s\u0259rin mehl\u0259 \u00f6rp\u0259kl\u0259yib olmu\u015flara v\u0259 olacaqlara \u00fcsyan edirdi bu q\u0131z\u0131n ki\u00e7ik \u00fcr\u0259yi\u2026 \u00dcr\u0259yind\u0259n p\u0259rvazlanan duy\u011fular\u0131 q\u0259l\u0259md\u0259n s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fc, misra-misra v\u0259r\u0259ql\u0259r\u0259 ax\u0131rd\u0131.
M\u0259kt\u0259bd\u0259 ya\u015f\u0131d\u0131 olan q\u0131zlardan \u00e7ox f\u0259rqliydi Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim. Q\u0131zlar bula\u011f\u0131ndan su i\u00e7\u0259n g\u00f6z\u0259ll\u0259rin ham\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n a\u015fiqi vard\u0131, a\u015fkar, ya gizli. T\u0259kc\u0259 onun yox idi. Baxmayaraq ki, bu q\u0131z\u0131n g\u00f6z\u0259lliyi Yevlax rayonunun s\u0259rh\u0259dl\u0259rini \u00e7oxdan a\u015fm\u0131\u015fd\u0131, yen\u0259 d\u0259 ad\u0131n\u0131 tutan, \u201cAy\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u201d \u2013 dey\u0259n g\u00f6z\u0259 g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcb, qula\u011fa d\u0259ymirdi. B\u00fct\u00fcn q\u0131zlar\u0131n arxas\u0131nca, x\u0259lv\u0259t\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u0259nd\u0259 yan\u0131nca m\u0259kt\u0259b\u0259 bir o\u011flan gedirdi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin is\u0259 yan\u0131nca h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 anas\u0131 gedirdi. M\u0259kt\u0259bin darvazas\u0131 yan\u0131nda da daim onu g\u00f6zl\u0259y\u0259n anas\u0131 idi.
Ancaq q\u0131za el\u0259 g\u0259lirdi ki, anas\u0131 \u201cevin ki\u015fisi\u201d kimi yaran\u0131b v\u0259 bu, bel\u0259 d\u0259 olmal\u0131d\u0131r. Onu qorumal\u0131, ev\u0259 su, odun da\u015f\u0131mal\u0131, h\u0259y\u0259t-bacan\u0131 s\u0259liq\u0259y\u0259 salmal\u0131, bar\u0131n\u0131n s\u00f6k\u00fcl\u0259n, u\u00e7ulan yerini t\u0259mir etm\u0259li, bazarl\u0131\u011fa getm\u0259li, eyni zamanda, bu bazarl\u0131q \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn pulu qazanmal\u0131d\u0131r. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131n qar\u015f\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131nda Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim b\u0259z\u0259n beynin\u0259 dolan fikirl\u0259rd\u0259n qorxurdu. Bir c\u00fcml\u0259 is\u0259 n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r unutma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsa da tez-tez dilinin ucunda bitirdi: \u201cTanr\u0131 da s\u0259hv ed\u0259 bilir\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

II hiss\u0259<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nifr\u0259t<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim art\u0131q onuncu sinifd\u0259 oxuyurdu. B\u00f6y\u00fcm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. H\u0259r \u015feyi bil\u0259c\u0259k q\u0259d\u0259r b\u00f6y\u00fcd\u00fcy\u00fcnd\u0259n tale ba\u011fl\u0131 qap\u0131lar\u0131 onun \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn a\u00e7maqda israrl\u0131yd\u0131. G\u00fcl l\u0259kl\u0259ri il\u0259 \u0259hat\u0259l\u0259nmi\u015f ba\u011f\u00e7aya stol qoyub d\u0259rsl\u0259rini haz\u0131rlay\u0131rd\u0131. El\u0259 d\u0259 h\u00fcnd\u00fcr olmayan bar\u0131dan k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259d\u0259n ke\u00e7\u0259n adamlar\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim h\u0259rd\u0259n ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 yaz\u0131dan qald\u0131randa bu adamlar\u0131n gah birisiyl\u0259 salamla\u015far, gah da t\u0259l\u0259sik ke\u00e7\u0259nl\u0259ri bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131yla \u00f6t\u00fcr\u0259rdi. Bir d\u0259 ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 qald\u0131randa sa\u00e7lar\u0131na t\u0259z\u0259c\u0259 d\u0259n d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f bir ki\u015finin diqq\u0259tl\u0259 ona baxd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fc. Q\u0131z qorxdu. \u0130\u00e7in\u0259 dolan bu qorxunun yan\u0131yla g\u0259l\u0259n \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259l\u0259r daha bet\u0259r idi. \u00c7\u00fcnki ki\u015finin bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131 maraq dolu oldu\u011fu q\u0259d\u0259r d\u0259 q\u0131za tan\u0131\u015f g\u0259lirdi. H\u0259tta o q\u0259d\u0259r tan\u0131\u015f g\u0259lirdi ki, el\u0259 bil h\u0259r g\u00fcn g\u00f6r\u00fcrd\u00fc bu b\u0259b\u0259kl\u0259ri\u2026 Bir ne\u00e7\u0259 d\u0259qiq\u0259 bir-birin\u0259 kilidl\u0259nmi\u015f bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131n sonu tez g\u0259ldi. Ki\u015fi ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b getdi.
Bu hadis\u0259 bir ayda dalbaadal, \u0259n az\u0131 alt\u0131 d\u0259f\u0259 t\u0259krarlan\u0131nca Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim n\u0259n\u0259sin\u0259 i\u00e7ind\u0259ki qorxulardan dan\u0131\u015fd\u0131. \u015e\u00fcbh\u0259l\u0259rini is\u0259 bir sirr kimi qoruma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fd\u0131. \u00d6mr\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00e7oxunu yola sal\u0131b arxas\u0131nca su atmaq fikrin\u0259 d\u00fc\u015fm\u0259y\u0259n n\u0259n\u0259 \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bu, \u00fcr\u0259yind\u0259ki y\u00fck\u00fc art\u0131rard\u0131. Daha q\u0131z bilmirdi ki, n\u0259n\u0259 o ki\u015finin g\u0259lm\u0259sini e\u015fid\u0259nd\u0259 onsuz da \u00f6mr\u00fcnd\u0259n a\u011f\u0131r y\u00fck karvan\u0131n\u0131 h\u0259r a\u00e7\u0131lan sabah\u0131ndan ke\u00e7ir\u0259r\u0259k yuxusu \u0259r\u015f\u0259 qa\u00e7d\u0131\u011f\u0131 gec\u0259l\u0259r\u0259 apar\u0131r. V\u0259 bu karvan\u0131n sarvan\u0131 el\u0259 o, \u00f6z\u00fc olur.
N\u00f6vb\u0259ti d\u0259f\u0259 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim n\u0259n\u0259sinin m\u0259tb\u0259xd\u0259 olmas\u0131ndan \u00fcr\u0259kl\u0259n\u0259r\u0259k c\u0259sar\u0259tl\u0259 aya\u011fa qalx\u0131b ki\u015fid\u0259n soru\u015fdu:
\u2013 Ax\u0131 siz kimsiniz? Niy\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 el\u0259 bax\u0131rs\u0131n\u0131z?
\u2013 Tan\u0131mazsan\u2026 M\u0259n s\u0259ni g\u00f6r\u0259nd\u0259 balaca idin, indi b\u00f6y\u00fcy\u00fcb g\u00f6z\u0259l bir q\u0131z olmusan.
\u2013 El\u0259 tan\u0131maq ist\u0259yir\u0259m. Kimsiniz? \u2013 Anandan soru\u015f, o dey\u0259c\u0259k.
\u2013 Anam evd\u0259 yoxdur! \u2013 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim art\u0131q hirsl\u0259nirdi. S\u0259sinin daha da codla\u015fd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hiss edirdi.
\u2013 M\u0259n sizd\u0259n e\u015fitm\u0259k ist\u0259yir\u0259m. Qohumsunuz?
Ki\u015finin dodaqlar\u0131n\u0131n k\u0259nar\u0131na kinay\u0259 dolu t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm y\u0131\u011f\u0131lm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. H\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 maraq dolu olan b\u0259b\u0259kl\u0259rind\u0259n q\u0259rib\u0259 bir hiss as\u0131lm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Bilm\u0259k olmurdu ki, n\u0259y\u0259s\u0259 hirsl\u0259nib, yaxud n\u0259y\u0259s\u0259 heyfsil\u0259nir. Ya da h\u0259r iki hiss orda nec\u0259 do\u011fmala\u015fa bilib? N\u0259hay\u0259t, kinay\u0259 il\u0259 b\u00fck\u00fcl\u0259n dodaqlar\u0131n aras\u0131ndan ikic\u0259 k\u0259lm\u0259 ilan qayadan s\u00fcr\u00fc\u015f\u0259n kimi s\u0131yr\u0131l\u0131b \u00e7\u0131xd\u0131:
\u2013 S\u0259nin atanam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yox, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim bu ki\u015fiy\u0259 inanmad\u0131. Onun atas\u0131 \u00e7oxdan \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc ax\u0131. Anas\u0131yla n\u0259n\u0259si ona yalan dan\u0131\u015fmazlar. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc ki, y\u0259qin, o ki\u015fi s\u0259rxo\u015fun biridir, n\u0259 dan\u0131\u015fd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6z\u00fc d\u0259 bilmir. A\u011fl\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131nda adam n\u0259 durub kims\u0259nin u\u015fa\u011f\u0131na bar\u0131dan baxmaz, n\u0259 d\u0259 yalandan \u201cs\u0259nin atanam\u201d \u2013 deyib uydurmaz. Ki\u015fi ged\u0259nd\u0259n sonra zaman\u0131n bir \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcs\u00fcnd\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00fcnahland\u0131rma\u011f\u0131 da bacard\u0131. Nec\u0259 icaz\u0259 vermi\u015fdi ki, yad bir adam atas\u0131n\u0131n xatir\u0259sin\u0259 toxunsun?! Birc\u0259 \u015f\u0259kli olmasa da, atas\u0131 onun\u00e7\u00fcn vard\u0131. Onun x\u0259yal\u0131nda idi… Onun b\u00fct\u00fcn \u201catal\u0131 arzular\u0131n\u0131n\u201d q\u0259hr\u0259man\u0131 idi. U\u015faql\u0131qdan b\u0259z\u0259n atas\u0131n\u0131n-x\u0259yali q\u0259hr\u0259man\u0131n\u0131n \u015f\u0259klini \u00e7\u0259kirdi. O q\u0259d\u0259r h\u0259r d\u0259f\u0259 daha yax\u015f\u0131 \u00e7\u0259kim dey\u0259 c\u0259hd etmi\u015fdi ki, ax\u0131rda r\u0259sm m\u00fc\u0259llimi \u00e7\u0259kdiyi \u015f\u0259kill\u0259rd\u0259n bir ne\u00e7\u0259sini Bak\u0131ya-\u015fagirdl\u0259rin s\u0259rgisin\u0259 aparm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin r\u0259sm \u00e7\u0259km\u0259kd\u0259 qabiliyy\u0259tli olma\u011f\u0131yla h\u0259r yerd\u0259 f\u0259xrl\u0259 dan\u0131\u015fard\u0131. Amma o, a\u011fl\u0131na da g\u0259tirm\u0259zdi ki, bu qabiliyy\u0259t q\u0131zda atas\u0131n\u0131n r\u0259smini daha yax\u015f\u0131 \u00e7\u0259km\u0259k c\u0259hdi il\u0259 yaranm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. \u00dcst\u0259lik, \u201cata\u201d k\u0259lm\u0259sinin dilin\u0259 g\u0259lm\u0259siyl\u0259 \u00fcr\u0259yind\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc qatil sand\u0131\u011f\u0131, anas\u0131n\u0131n u\u015faql\u0131qda dan\u0131\u015fd\u0131\u011f\u0131 daha bir \u0259hvalat da vard\u0131. E\u015fitdiyi g\u00fcnd\u0259n bu yana bir d\u0259f\u0259 d\u0259 olsun anas\u0131ndan dan\u0131\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131 ist\u0259m\u0259diyi, \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc qatil hiss etdiyi \u0259hvalat… Anas\u0131 dan\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 ki:
\u2013 S\u0259n onda \u00e7ox balaca idin. B\u00fct\u00fcn gec\u0259ni kukla deyib a\u011flad\u0131n. Atan da s\u0259h\u0259r a\u00e7\u0131lan kimi qa\u00e7a-qa\u00e7a s\u0259n\u0259 kukla alma\u011fa gedirdi. O q\u0259d\u0259r t\u0259l\u0259sirdi ki, \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259n ma\u015f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rm\u0259di. Ma\u015f\u0131n da onu vurub \u00f6ld\u00fcrd\u00fc.
Bu \u0259hvalata inanm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. H\u0259min g\u00fcn kukla deyib a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc olduqca g\u00fcnahkar hiss edirdi. \u0130ll\u0259rl\u0259 i\u00e7ind\u0259ki bu \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc ba\u011f\u0131\u015flaya bilm\u0259m\u0259k hissiyl\u0259 ya\u015fam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Bu nec\u0259 olur, bilm\u0259yi kims\u0259y\u0259 arzulam\u0131rd\u0131… \u0130ndi is\u0259 hans\u0131sa dan\u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilm\u0259y\u0259n bir ki\u015fi onun atas\u0131yla ba\u011fl\u0131 xatir\u0259l\u0259rini al\u00e7ald\u0131rd\u0131.
Ax\u015fam anas\u0131 ev\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259nd\u0259 xahi\u015f etdi ki, bir d\u0259f\u0259 atas\u0131n\u0131n m\u0259zar\u0131n\u0131 ziyar\u0259t\u0259 getsinl\u0259r.
\u2013 \u00c7ox uzaqdad\u0131. M\u0259kt\u0259bi bitir, instituta q\u0259bul ol, aparaca\u011fam. H\u0259r \u015feyi \u00f6z g\u00f6z\u00fcnl\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n, \u2013 dedi anas\u0131. Dan\u0131\u015fd\u0131qca bir d\u0259f\u0259 d\u0259 olsun ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 qald\u0131r\u0131b q\u0131z\u0131na baxm\u0131rd\u0131. Anas\u0131 bir d\u0259 onun g\u00f6zl\u0259rinin i\u00e7in\u0259 bir h\u0259ft\u0259 sonra baxd\u0131…
H\u0259min g\u00fcn Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim m\u0259kt\u0259bd\u0259 ke\u00e7iril\u0259n t\u0259dbir\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 haz\u0131rl\u0131\u011fa gecikmi\u015fdi. M\u00fc\u0259llim yan\u0131na aparaca\u011f\u0131 kitablar evd\u0259 oldu\u011fundan m\u0259kt\u0259bd\u0259n ev\u0259d\u0259k y\u00fcy\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. T\u0259ngn\u0259f\u0259s darvazan\u0131 a\u00e7maq ist\u0259y\u0259nd\u0259 i\u00e7\u0259rid\u0259n g\u0259l\u0259n qarma-qar\u0131\u015f\u0131q s\u0259sl\u0259r onu dayand\u0131rd\u0131. Anas\u0131 bir ki\u015fi il\u0259 m\u00fcbahis\u0259 edirdi. Dayan\u0131b dinl\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 ba\u015flad\u0131.
\u2013 H\u0259r \u015fey bo\u015f yer\u0259di! \u2013 Bunu anas\u0131 deyirdi.
\u2013 Bir s\u0259hvlikdi el\u0259dim d\u0259. Ba\u011f\u0131\u015fla, \u2013 Ki\u015finin s\u0259si d\u0259 tan\u0131\u015f g\u0259lirdi.
\u2013 Qay\u0131t ail\u0259n\u0259. Q\u0131z\u0131mla \u00f6z h\u0259yat\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 qurmu\u015fuq.
\u2013 M\u0259n sizsiz dar\u0131x\u0131ram… Yenid\u0259n…
\u2013 Gecdir, get, bir d\u0259 qap\u0131ya g\u0259lm\u0259! \u2013 Anas\u0131 ki\u015finin s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc k\u0259sdi.
\u2013 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim he\u00e7 bilmir ki, onun atas\u0131 sa\u011fd\u0131, \u2013 Ki\u015finin s\u0259sin\u0259 bir az hikk\u0259 d\u0259 qar\u0131\u015fd\u0131.
\u2013 B\u0259s s\u0259n n\u0259 fikirl\u0259\u015firdin? El\u0259 bilir atas\u0131 \u00f6l\u00fcb.
\u2013 Niy\u0259 ki? M\u0259n onun atas\u0131 deyil\u0259mmi? M\u0259ni niy\u0259 gizl\u0259tmis\u0259n u\u015faqdan? \u2013 \u018fs\u0259bi q\u0131\u015fq\u0131rt\u0131 q\u0131z\u0131n t\u00fckl\u0259rini \u00fcrp\u0259ndirdi.
\u2013 Onun h\u0259yat\u0131n\u0131 m\u0259hv ed\u0259 bilm\u0259r\u0259m. Ali m\u0259kt\u0259b\u0259 haz\u0131rla\u015f\u0131r. Get, imkan ver ya\u015fayaq.
D\u00fcnyaya niy\u0259 g\u0259tirdikl\u0259rini d\u0259rk etm\u0259y\u0259n \u00f6vlad is\u0259 darvazan\u0131n arxas\u0131nda valideynl\u0259rinin bu s\u00f6hb\u0259tini e\u015fitdikc\u0259 onun \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn h\u0259yat m\u0259hv olma\u011fa ba\u015flay\u0131rd\u0131. El\u0259 bil h\u0259r \u015fey r\u0259ngini d\u0259yi\u015fib bozar\u0131r, a\u011faclar \u0259yi\u015f-\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f olub bir-birinin \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 y\u0131x\u0131l\u0131r, qu\u015flar civild\u0259mir, boz-boz ulay\u0131rd\u0131lar. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim darvazadan uzaqla\u015fd\u0131. Yeridikc\u0259 yol g\u00f6zl\u0259ri \u00f6n\u00fcnd\u0259 gah ax\u0131r, gah \u00e7\u00f6k\u0259lir, gah da h\u0259r bir torpaq d\u0259n\u0259si bir qara qayaya \u00e7evrilib getm\u0259sin\u0259 imkan vermirdi. Geri d\u00f6nd\u00fc. M\u0259zar\u0131na qoymaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn u\u015faql\u0131qdan b\u0259ri h\u0259r yaz \u00e7\u0259m\u0259nd\u0259n g\u00fcl y\u0131\u011fd\u0131\u011f\u0131 atas\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6rm\u0259k mara\u011f\u0131 h\u0259r \u015fey\u0259 \u00fcst\u00fcn g\u0259lmi\u015fdi. U\u015faq a\u011fl\u0131yla \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn\u0259 s\u0259b\u0259bkar sayd\u0131\u011f\u0131 atas\u0131 bu d\u0259mir darvazan\u0131n o \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259 idi. Darvazan\u0131 \u0259li titr\u0259y\u0259r\u0259k it\u0259l\u0259s\u0259 d\u0259, dimdik dayand\u0131. \u018fvv\u0259lc\u0259 d\u00fcz anas\u0131n\u0131n g\u00f6zl\u0259rinin i\u00e7in\u0259, sonra da atas\u0131na baxd\u0131. H\u0259r g\u00fcn bar\u0131n\u0131n o \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259n ona baxan, \u201cs\u0259nin atanam\u201d dey\u0259n ki\u015fi idi. Dodaqlar\u0131n\u0131n k\u0259nar\u0131ndak\u0131 kinay\u0259li t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc b\u00fcr\u00fcm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. Dodaqlar\u0131ndan saxta bir m\u00fclayimlik as\u0131l\u0131b y\u0131x\u0131laca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6zl\u0259yirdi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin \u00fcr\u0259yind\u0259 q\u0259rib\u0259 s\u0131z\u0131lt\u0131 ba\u015f qald\u0131rd\u0131. Q\u0131z bu s\u0131z\u0131lt\u0131yla dor\u011fudan\u2013do\u011fruya qatil olma\u011f\u0131 arzulay\u0131rd\u0131. Bu kinay\u0259li t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm\u00fc yar\u0131da qoyacaq bir qatil olmaq arzusu b\u00fct\u00fcn \u0259zalar\u0131n\u0131 g\u0259rmi\u015fdi. Bu hissin ad\u0131 nifr\u0259t idi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim atas\u0131na nifr\u0259t edirdi…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

O g\u00fcn he\u00e7 n\u0259 yem\u0259mi\u015fdi Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim. O gec\u0259 s\u0259h\u0259r\u0259d\u0259k anas\u0131 il\u0259 n\u0259n\u0259si p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259nin o \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259, o is\u0259 bu \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259 \u00f6z yor\u011fan\u0131na b\u00fcr\u00fcn\u0259r\u0259k a\u011flam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. S\u0259h\u0259r bitib-t\u00fck\u0259nm\u0259k bilm\u0259y\u0259n suallarla a\u00e7\u0131lm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Bu suallar anas\u0131na \u00fcnvanlansa da, cavablar\u0131 n\u0259n\u0259si vermi\u015fdi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim bilmi\u015fdi ki, atas\u0131 anas\u0131n\u0131n xalas\u0131 o\u011flu imi\u015f. H\u0259l\u0259 hamil\u0259yk\u0259n anas\u0131 atas\u0131n\u0131n x\u0259yan\u0259tini e\u015fidib q\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 doqquz ay tamam olmam\u0131\u015f d\u00fcnyayla salamla\u015fma\u011fa m\u0259hkum etmi\u015fdi. H\u0259r an \u00f6l\u00fcml\u0259 \u00fcz-\u00fcz\u0259 ya\u015fayan k\u00f6rp\u0259 ill\u0259rdir m\u0259hz bu s\u0259b\u0259bd\u0259n \u00e7\u00f6l-bay\u0131rdan, isti-soyuqdan qorunmu\u015fdu. \u00d6vlad\u0131n\u0131 itirm\u0259k qorxusu anaya do\u011fum sanc\u0131lar\u0131yla birg\u0259 g\u00f6nd\u0259rilmi\u015fdi. V\u0259 b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131n g\u00fcnahkar\u0131 ata idi…
Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin d\u00fcnyaya g\u0259li\u015fi d\u0259 atan\u0131 evin\u0259, oca\u011f\u0131na ba\u011flamam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Yen\u0259 h\u0259r g\u00fcn evd\u0259 dava-dala\u015f, yen\u0259 i\u00e7ki \u015f\u00fc\u015f\u0259l\u0259ri, yen\u0259 x\u0259yan\u0259tl\u0259r… Bir g\u00fcn, h\u0259tta u\u015fa\u011f\u0131 quca\u011f\u0131na al\u0131b n\u0259n\u0259yl\u0259 anan\u0131n qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na da \u00e7\u0131xm\u0131\u015fd\u0131:
\u2013 Bu u\u015fa\u011f\u0131n atas\u0131z b\u00f6y\u00fcm\u0259yini ist\u0259mirsinizs\u0259, m\u0259n\u0259 ma\u015f\u0131n al\u0131n!
Bu, ail\u0259 adl\u0131 saray\u0131n a\u00e7\u0131q qalan t\u0259k p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259si idi. O g\u00fcn o p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259 d\u0259 ba\u011flanm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Bir daha g\u00fcn\u0259\u015f i\u015f\u0131qlar\u0131na a\u00e7\u0131lmayaca\u011f\u0131na q\u0259rar verilmi\u015f p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259nin o \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259n g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u0259n ke\u00e7mi\u015fd\u0259 n\u0259l\u0259r olmu\u015fdusa, ham\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n g\u00fcnahkar\u0131 ata idi. Hardasa bir m\u0259zar\u0131n\u0131n oldu\u011funu bildiyi atas\u0131 daha do\u011fma, daha \u0259ziz idi Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u0259. Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131na \u0259min oldu\u011fu ata is\u0259 onun \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u0259sl g\u00fcnahkar idi\u2026 O, ata deyildi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim ona ata dey\u0259 bilm\u0259zdi. Onu x\u0259yal\u0131na yax\u0131n da buraxmazd\u0131\u2026 Lakin h\u0259yat \u00f6z ger\u00e7\u0259kliyini g\u00fczg\u00fc i\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131 kimi insan\u0131n g\u00f6zl\u0259rin\u0259 sal\u0131b qama\u015fd\u0131rmaqdan h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 z\u00f6vq al\u0131b.
Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim g\u00f6z\u00fcn\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u0259n g\u00fczg\u00fc i\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131nda b\u00fct\u00fcn ki\u015fil\u0259ri eyni \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcd\u0259 g\u00f6r\u00fcrd\u00fc; el\u0259 bilirdi ki, bu d\u00fcnyada n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r o\u011flan, n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r ki\u015fi varsa, ham\u0131s\u0131 onun atas\u0131 kimidi\u2026 Ham\u0131s\u0131 da yaln\u0131zca g\u00fcnahkar olma\u011f\u0131 bacar\u0131rlar. Onun i\u00e7ind\u0259 d\u00fcnyan\u0131n b\u00fct\u00fcn ki\u015fil\u0259rind\u0259n qisas almaq kimi bir hayta vard\u0131. Lakin b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlarla yana\u015f\u0131 m\u0259kt\u0259bi bitirib ali t\u0259hsil almaq arzusu da \u00fcr\u0259yind\u0259n b\u0259b\u0259kl\u0259rin\u0259 yol tapa bilmi\u015fdi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim kitablara insanlardan daha \u00e7ox etibar edirdi. B\u00fct\u00fcn o\u011flanlar\u0131 ac\u0131lay\u0131r, kimins\u0259 ondan xo\u015fland\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 e\u015fid\u0259nd\u0259 m\u00fctl\u0259q onunla dala\u015fard\u0131. Bunu b\u00fct\u00fcn ki\u015fil\u0259rd\u0259n ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 intiqam sayaraq rahatlana bilirdi. \u00dcst\u0259lik, e\u015fitmi\u015fdi ki, atas\u0131 ikinci arvad\u0131ndan da bo\u015fan\u0131b, hardasa t\u0259k-t\u0259nha ya\u015fay\u0131r. Bu, onu sakitl\u0259\u015fdir\u0259n daha bir t\u0259s\u0259lli idi. V\u0259 bu t\u0259s\u0259lli onun \u0259la qiym\u0259tl\u0259rl\u0259 m\u0259kt\u0259bd\u0259n m\u0259zun oldu\u011fu zamanda qula\u011f\u0131na \u00e7atm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. He\u00e7 k\u0259s t\u0259brik etdiyi, xo\u015f s\u00f6zl\u0259r dediyi q\u0131z\u0131n i\u00e7ind\u0259ki t\u00fck\u00fcrp\u0259d\u0259n d\u0259h\u015f\u0259tli t\u0259\u0259ss\u00fcfd\u0259n x\u0259b\u0259rdar deyildi. Qar\u015f\u0131da ali t\u0259hsil vard\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bir d\u0259f\u0259 qanl\u0131 knyaginya Batori haqq\u0131nda ki\u00e7ik bir yaz\u0131 oxumu\u015fdum. Onu qani\u00e7\u0259n, ki\u015fil\u0259rin m\u0259hvin\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan bir c\u0259llad kimi tarix\u0259 salan h\u0259qiq\u0259tin n\u0259 oldu\u011funu bilm\u0259k mara\u011f\u0131 oyanm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 m\u0259nd\u0259. Sonra bilmir\u0259m n\u0259l\u0259r oldu, hans\u0131 maraq Batorini k\u00f6lg\u0259d\u0259 qoydusa, bir d\u0259 qanl\u0131 knyaginya haqda yeni film \u00e7\u0259kildiyini e\u015fid\u0259nd\u0259 yad\u0131ma d\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. Rejissoru qad\u0131n olan iki saatl\u0131q film\u0259 n\u0259f\u0259s \u00e7\u0259km\u0259d\u0259n baxd\u0131m. \u018fvv\u0259ll\u0259r oxuduqlar\u0131m\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259n iri bir projektor i\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131 ke\u00e7di kimi t\u0259sirl\u0259ndim. Macar rejissor bu filmd\u0259 Batorinin ki\u015fil\u0259r\u0259 olan nifr\u0259tinin g\u00fcnahkar\u0131n\u0131 bir-iki epizodda g\u00f6z\u0259l a\u00e7\u0131qlay\u0131r: knyaginyan\u0131n \u0259ri\u2026
Dem\u0259k ist\u0259diyim odur ki, ki\u015fil\u0259rin qad\u0131n nifr\u0259tinin d\u0259, qad\u0131nlar\u0131n ki\u015fi nifr\u0259tinin d\u0259 alt\u0131nda m\u00fctl\u0259q v\u0259 m\u00fctl\u0259q \u00f6z h\u0259mcinsl\u0259rini g\u00f6zd\u0259n salan biri vard\u0131r. Biz bunu g\u00f6rm\u00fcr\u00fck. G\u00f6rm\u0259y\u0259 he\u00e7 can atm\u0131r\u0131q da. \u201cCinay\u0259t psixologiyas\u0131\u201d adl\u0131 m\u0259fhum d\u00fcnyam\u0131zda psixoloqlar\u0131n \u0259n qiym\u0259tli tap\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131ndan biridir. H\u0259r\u00e7\u0259nd ki, bu n\u0259z\u0259riyy\u0259 \u0259d\u0259biyyatda Dostoyevski il\u0259 ba\u015flay\u0131r, lakin Dostoyevski kimi bir yaz\u0131\u00e7\u0131n\u0131n \u0259s\u0259rin yaz\u0131lma prosesind\u0259 psixoloq kimi \u00f6z obraz\u0131 \u00fcz\u0259rind\u0259 seanslar aparmas\u0131n\u0131 unutmaq laz\u0131m deyil. Amma \u0259d\u0259biyyatda da, kriminalistikada da s\u0259b\u0259bl\u0259r \u00e7ox az hallarda axtar\u0131l\u0131r. Bunun g\u00fcnahkar\u0131, t\u0259bii ki, n\u0259 yaz\u0131\u00e7\u0131, n\u0259 d\u0259 kriminal-psixoloq deyil. \u018fsl g\u00fcnahkar i\u00e7ind\u0259 m\u0259n olmaqla \u0259s\u0259rl\u0259rin \u00fcnvanland\u0131\u011f\u0131 v\u0259 cinay\u0259tl\u0259rin ba\u015f verdiyi andan mara\u011f\u0131n\u0131 cinay\u0259tkara qar\u015f\u0131 itil\u0259mi\u015f c\u0259miyy\u0259tdir. C\u0259miyy\u0259td\u0259 he\u00e7 kim \u00f6z i\u015find\u0259n v\u0259 h\u0259yat\u0131n\u0131n d\u00fcz\u0259nind\u0259n ayr\u0131laraq cinay\u0259tin s\u0259b\u0259bi haqda d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fcr. Onlar n\u0259tic\u0259ni-cinay\u0259ti sevir. B\u0259li, sevir! Bu sevgi n\u00f6vb\u0259ti cinay\u0259tin c\u00fcc\u0259rm\u0259 s\u0259b\u0259bidir. Qad\u0131n-ki\u015fi nifr\u0259tinin d\u0259 n\u0259tic\u0259si eyni il\u0259 bel\u0259 maraql\u0131 g\u0259lir insanlara. \u00c7\u00fcnki qar\u015f\u0131-qar\u015f\u0131ya qoyulsa, ki\u015fil\u0259r m\u0259l\u0259k, qad\u0131nlar m\u0259lak\u0259 olduqlar\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcbut etm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn d\u0259rid\u0259n-qab\u0131qdan \u00e7\u0131x\u0131rlar. T\u0259bii qanunauy\u011funluqla d\u00fcz edirl\u0259r. Ax\u0131 b\u00fct\u00fcn qad\u0131nlar Silviya Plaz, b\u00fct\u00fcn ki\u015fil\u0259r d\u0259 Aqata Kristinin obraz\u0131 Amyas Krale deyil\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ali m\u0259kt\u0259b imtahan\u0131 yax\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131qca Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin c\u0131l\u0131z b\u0259d\u0259ni s\u00fcr\u0259tl\u0259 c\u0131l\u0131zla\u015fma\u011f\u0131ndayd\u0131. Q\u0131za el\u0259 g\u0259lirdi ki, \u00fcr\u0259yinin i\u00e7ind\u0259 boyundan b\u00f6y\u00fck bir hava \u015far\u0131 var v\u0259 b\u0259z\u0259n n\u0259f\u0259s ald\u0131qca o \u015far \u015fi\u015fir, \u015fi\u015fir, partlamaq d\u0259r\u0259c\u0259sin\u0259 g\u0259lir. B\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fcn\u00fc kitab \u0259lind\u0259ydi \u2013 yey\u0259nd\u0259 d\u0259, sa\u00e7\u0131n\u0131 darayanda da, donunu d\u0259yi\u015f\u0259nd\u0259 d\u0259. Ali m\u0259kt\u0259b\u0259 q\u0259bul ola bilm\u0259y\u0259c\u0259yind\u0259n yaman qorxurdu. Gah imtahan vaxt\u0131n\u0131n gec g\u0259lm\u0259si \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn dualar edir, gah da h\u0259r ke\u00e7\u0259n g\u00fcn\u00fcn bir il kimi uzun oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr, s\u0259birsizl\u0259nirdi. N\u0259hay\u0259t, imtahan g\u00fcn\u00fc g\u0259ldi. Anas\u0131 onu imtahana bir c\u00fcml\u0259 v\u0259 bir d\u00fcnya t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcml\u0259 yola sald\u0131:
\u2013 Qorxma, q\u0131z\u0131m, bildiyini yaz, ke\u00e7m\u0259s\u0259n, g\u0259l\u0259n il ke\u00e7\u0259rs\u0259n.
Bu bir c\u00fcml\u0259 v\u0259 bir d\u00fcnya t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u0259 g\u00fcc, add\u0131mlar\u0131na inam verdi. Onu \u0259n \u00e7ox \u00fcr\u0259kl\u0259ndir\u0259n anas\u0131n\u0131n bu imtahan\u0131, Karlson demi\u015f, \u201cadi h\u0259yati hadis\u0259\u201d saymas\u0131 idi. Q\u0131z\u0131n qula\u011f\u0131n\u0131n dibind\u0259c\u0259 imtahan verm\u0259y\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259n u\u015fa\u011f\u0131n\u0131 h\u0259d\u0259l\u0259y\u0259n, danlayan o q\u0259d\u0259r valideyn vard\u0131 ki\u2026
\u2013 Bax, bir \u0259t\u0259k pul t\u00f6km\u00fc\u015f\u0259m s\u0259nin haz\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131na. H\u00fcn\u0259rin var, ke\u00e7miy\u0259s\u0259n!
\u2013 Vaxt\u0131nda \u201coxu\u201d dem\u0259kd\u0259n dilimd\u0259 s\u00f6z c\u00fcc\u0259rdi! Adam deyils\u0259n ha. \u0130ndi \u00fcz\u00fcm\u0259 yazmam\u0131\u015f qay\u0131dasan, g\u00fcn\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6r\u0259c\u0259ks\u0259n!
\u2013 \u018fg\u0259r yazammasan, ev\u0259 qay\u0131tma! \u2013 v\u0259 s. v\u0259 s.
B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131n f\u00f6vq\u00fcnd\u0259 anas\u0131n\u0131n t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm\u00fc onun \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn Tanr\u0131n\u0131n \u0259n b\u00f6y\u00fck m\u0259rh\u0259m\u0259ti idi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Avqustun alt\u0131s\u0131 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin ad g\u00fcn\u00fc idi. \u0130mtahan n\u0259tic\u0259l\u0259ri m\u0259hz bu g\u00fcn a\u00e7\u0131qlanm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim cavab\u0131 bilm\u0259y\u0259 q\u0259sd\u0259n \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc gecikdirirdi. \u201c\u0130mtahandan k\u0259silm\u0259k\u201d adl\u0131 h\u0259diyy\u0259 almaq onun \u00fcr\u0259yinin g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u0259 bil\u0259c\u0259yi y\u00fck deyildi. Ona g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259 anas\u0131ndan bu g\u00fcn imtahan n\u0259tic\u0259l\u0259rini bilm\u0259k ist\u0259m\u0259diyini dedi. Ana \u0259vv\u0259lc\u0259 qa\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7atd\u0131, sonra dodaqlar\u0131n\u0131 bir-birin\u0259 kip s\u0131x\u0131b ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 yell\u0259di, he\u00e7 n\u0259 dem\u0259d\u0259n qap\u0131dan \u00e7\u0131xd\u0131. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim n\u0259 \u00e7at\u0131lan qa\u015flar\u0131n, n\u0259 b\u00fck\u00fcl\u0259n dodaqlar\u0131n, n\u0259 d\u0259 s\u00fckun\u0259tli add\u0131mlar\u0131n n\u0259 \u201cs\u00f6yl\u0259diyini\u201d anlamam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 qatmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn stolun \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259ki ad g\u00fcn\u00fc tortuna t\u0259r\u0259f \u0259yilib \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259kil\u0259ri oxumu\u015fdu: \u201cHappy birthday\u201d v\u0259 ki\u00e7ik smaylik. G\u00f6zl\u0259ri ya\u015farm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 g\u00fclm\u0259kd\u0259n. Ax\u0131, bu tort bi\u015fir\u0259n qon\u015fuya n\u0259 d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc ki, ingilis dili bilicisi \u00e7\u0131xm\u0131\u015fd\u0131?! El\u0259c\u0259 \u201cad g\u00fcn\u00fcn m\u00fcbar\u0259k\u201d yaza bilm\u0259zdimi?! G\u00fcl\u0259-g\u00fcl\u0259 qap\u0131ya \u00e7at\u0131nca anas\u0131n\u0131n \u0259lind\u0259 ki\u00e7ik ka\u011f\u0131z qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda dayand\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fc. Sakit v\u0259 ciddi duru\u015f anan\u0131n \u0259lind\u0259ki ka\u011f\u0131za b\u00f6y\u00fck \u0259h\u0259miyy\u0259t verdiyini anlad\u0131rd\u0131. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim ka\u011f\u0131z\u0131 ehmalca g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcb a\u00e7anda da \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259ki g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fc qoruyub saxlama\u011fa c\u0259hd edirdi. Bu g\u00fcn, m\u0259hz bu g\u00fcn a\u011flamaq ist\u0259mirdi\u2026
\u0130mtahan\u0131n n\u0259tic\u0259l\u0259rin\u0259 \u0259sas\u0259n Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim art\u0131q t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259 idi. G\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u0259 qar\u0131\u015fan g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 a\u011flamaq adland\u0131rmaq ist\u0259m\u0259s\u0259 d\u0259, n\u0259n\u0259si \u00f6z t\u0259brikind\u0259 gecikm\u0259mi\u015fdi:
\u2013 Ay s\u0259ni g\u00f6r\u00fcm h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 sevincd\u0259n a\u011flayasan el\u0259!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A\u011flamaq\u2026 \u018fvv\u0259ll\u0259r a\u011flama\u011f\u0131 \u00e7ox sev\u0259rdim. \u00c7ox a\u011flayard\u0131m. G\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131n d\u0259y\u0259rini anlam\u0131rm\u0131\u015fam\u2026 Sad\u0259c\u0259, gizlin-a\u015fkar a\u011flamaq m\u0259nim\u00e7\u00fcn can rahatl\u0131\u011f\u0131yd\u0131. Can\u0131m\u0131n a\u011fr\u0131yan yerini s\u0131\u011fallay\u0131b a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m zamanlarda u\u015faq d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnc\u0259ml\u0259 b\u00f6y\u00fck-b\u00f6y\u00fck q\u0259hr\u0259manl\u0131qlar edirdim. B\u00f6y\u00fcd\u00fckc\u0259, a\u011flama\u011f\u0131m m\u0259niml\u0259 birg\u0259 b\u00f6y\u00fcm\u0259di, t\u0259\u0259ss\u00fcf ki\u2026 Get-ged\u0259 ki\u00e7ildi, adil\u0259\u015fdi, g\u00f6zd\u0259n d\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. Ta ki, iyirmi iki ya\u015f\u0131m\u0131n tamam\u0131na kimi. Qo\u015fala\u015fm\u0131\u015f ikil\u0259ri \u00f6z t\u0259qvimin q\u0131z\u0131l \u00e7\u0259r\u00e7iv\u0259sin\u0259 sald\u0131\u011f\u0131m il g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 ilk d\u0259f\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcm\u0259 ax\u0131tmad\u0131m\u2026 M\u00fcbariz \u0130brahimov \u015f\u0259hid olanda a\u011flad\u0131m\u2026 A\u011flayaraq yazd\u0131m ki,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu d\u00fcnyada candan \u0259ziz n\u0259 var ki?!
Bir \u00fcr\u0259kdi, g\u00f6z ya\u015f\u0131d\u0131, V\u0259t\u0259ndi.
Bu d\u00fcnyada s\u0259nd\u0259n \u0259ziz n\u0259 var ki?!
Bir \u00fcr\u0259kdi, g\u00f6z ya\u015f\u0131d\u0131, V\u0259t\u0259ndi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu \u00fcr\u0259kl\u0259 sev\u0259 bilmi\u015f\u0259m s\u0259ni,
Bu v\u0259t\u0259nin \u0259r igidi, qeyr\u0259ti…
Axan g\u00f6z ya\u015f\u0131m\u0131n h\u0259r gil\u0259sini
T\u00f6k\u00fcm m\u0259zar\u0131na, yoxdur qiym\u0259ti…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu d\u00fcnyada e\u015fqd\u0259n uca n\u0259 var ki?
Sevdiyims\u0259n, tap\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u0259r\u0259nim…
Bu d\u00fcnyada e\u015fqd\u0259n qoca n\u0259 var ki?
Sevgisini torpa\u011f\u0131na s\u0259r\u0259nim…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu d\u00fcnyada candan \u0259ziz olan\u0131m
Bir \u00fcr\u0259kdi, g\u00f6z ya\u015f\u0131d\u0131, V\u0259t\u0259ndi.
Bu d\u00fcnyada s\u0259nd\u0259n \u0259ziz olan\u0131m
Bir \u00fcr\u0259kdi, g\u00f6z ya\u015f\u0131d\u0131, V\u0259t\u0259ndi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130ndi daha g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131m h\u0259r \u015feyd\u0259n \u00f6tr\u00fc axm\u0131r. M\u0259niml\u0259 birg\u0259 b\u00f6y\u00fcm\u0259y\u0259n a\u011flama\u011f\u0131m\u0131n m\u0259ni \u00f6t\u00fcb ke\u00e7m\u0259sin\u0259 baxmaqdan ba\u015fqa \u0259limd\u0259n n\u0259s\u0259 g\u0259lmir…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

T\u0259l\u0259b\u0259lik g\u00f6z\u0259l ke\u00e7irdi. D\u00fczd\u00fcr, h\u0259r g\u00fcn\u00fc na\u011f\u0131l deyildi, h\u0259r ay bir \u015fahzad\u0259 at \u00e7aparaq eyvan\u0131n alt\u0131ndan ke\u00e7mirdi, c\u0259ngav\u0259rl\u0259r divl\u0259ri \u00f6ld\u00fcrm\u00fcrd\u00fc, yen\u0259 d\u0259 t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259lik \u00f6z romantik dumanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 qoruyub saxlam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim xo\u015fb\u0259xt idi. B\u00fct\u00fcn s\u0131x\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131n, k\u0259d\u0259rl\u0259rin t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259liyin arxas\u0131nda qald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc. Ancaq yan\u0131l\u0131rd\u0131! Onun xo\u015fb\u0259xt g\u00fcnl\u0259ri u\u00e7uq-s\u00f6k\u00fck binan\u0131n sonuncu m\u0259rt\u0259b\u0259sind\u0259n g\u0259l\u0259n i\u015f\u0131q kimiydi\u2026 H\u0259yat\u0131n xo\u015fb\u0259xtliy\u0259 ay\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 reklam fasil\u0259si bitirdi\u2026
Bir g\u00fcn q\u0259fild\u0259n n\u0259n\u0259 x\u0259st\u0259l\u0259nib yata\u011fa d\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. H\u0259kiml\u0259rin g\u00f6zl\u0259rini yer\u0259 dikib, ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 bulayaraq \u00e7\u0131xd\u0131\u011f\u0131 otaqda q\u0131z n\u0259n\u0259sini seyr etm\u0259kd\u0259n yorulmurdu. A\u011f sa\u00e7lar\u0131 g\u00fcll\u00fc yast\u0131\u011fa d\u00f6\u015f\u0259nmi\u015f n\u0259n\u0259nin sa\u011falaca\u011f\u0131 \u00fcmidini k\u00fcsd\u00fcrm\u0259m\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc kurs t\u0259l\u0259b\u0259si olan Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim institutdan bir h\u0259ft\u0259lik icaz\u0259ni g\u00fccl\u0259 alm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Q\u0131za el\u0259 g\u0259lirdi ki, n\u0259n\u0259si onu yan\u0131nda g\u00f6r\u0259nd\u0259 s\u00fcr\u0259tl\u0259 sa\u011falacaq, aya\u011fa qalxacaq. Lakin, ya\u015fl\u0131 n\u0259n\u0259 g\u00fcnb\u0259g\u00fcn Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin g\u00f6zl\u0259ri \u00f6n\u00fcnd\u0259 \u0259riyirdi. \u00c7ar\u0259siz anlarda \u0259lind\u0259n he\u00e7 n\u0259 g\u0259lm\u0259m\u0259k kimi bir duy\u011funun varolu\u015funu da o ki\u00e7ik zaman k\u0259siyind\u0259 anlam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. N\u0259n\u0259sin\u0259 baxaraq\u2026 N\u0259n\u0259sinin damarlar\u0131 \u00e7\u0131xm\u0131\u015f \u0259lini \u00fcz\u00fcn\u0259 s\u00fcrt\u0259r\u0259k\u2026 G\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131ndan diksin\u0259r dey\u0259, g\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc ovu\u015fdurmaqdan yorulmayaraq\u2026
Evd\u0259n \u00e7\u0131xan tabutun arxas\u0131nca baxmaq is\u0259\u2026 Yox, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim o g\u00fcn ya\u015fad\u0131qlar\u0131n\u0131 bir daha dilin\u0259 g\u0259tirm\u0259m\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00f6z\u00fcn\u0259 b\u0259rk-b\u0259rk s\u00f6z verdi.
Tamam t\u0259k qalma\u011f\u0131 da bu aralar \u00f6yr\u0259ndi. Anas\u0131 x\u0131rda alver\u00e7ilik etdiyind\u0259n evd\u0259 az olurdu. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim n\u0259n\u0259sizliyini bir d\u0259 t\u0259k bo\u015fqabl\u0131q s\u00fcfr\u0259l\u0259rd\u0259, t\u0259kadaml\u0131q m\u00fcrg\u00fcl\u0259rd\u0259, evd\u0259n yaln\u0131z televizorun s\u0259si g\u0259ldiyind\u0259 ya\u015fama\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Zamanla yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa \u00f6yr\u0259\u015f\u0259 bilmirdi dey\u0259, qorxular\u0131 da m\u00fcxt\u0259lif \u015f\u0259kill\u0259r\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u0259 bilirdi. Gah televizorun arxas\u0131ndan ba\u015fqa s\u0259s g\u0259lir, gah p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259y\u0259 k\u00f6lg\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcr, gah yuxusunda d\u0259h\u015f\u0259t filminin ssenarisi yaz\u0131l\u0131rd\u0131. Lakin q\u0131z\u0131n yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa k\u00f6n\u00fcl verm\u0259sind\u0259n savay\u0131 \u00e7ar\u0259si qalmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. V\u0259 bir g\u00fcn b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fc toplayaraq yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n qoynuna girdi. H\u0259yat onlar\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131 \u00fcz\u0259rind\u0259 dayanm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 v\u0259 k\u0259bin duas\u0131n\u0131 t\u0259nha h\u0131\u00e7q\u0131r\u0131qlar\u0131n melodiyas\u0131 alt\u0131nda z\u00fcmz\u00fcm\u0259 edirdi.
H\u0259min g\u00fcn anas\u0131 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u0259 q\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 don alm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Q\u0131z donu geyinib g\u00fczg\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcnd\u0259 f\u0131rlan\u0131nca \u00f6z yara\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan m\u0259st olmu\u015f halda demi\u015fdi:
\u2013 G\u0259r\u0259k n\u0259n\u0259m\u0259 d\u0259 g\u00f6st\u0259rim, deyirdi q\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 r\u0259ng m\u0259n\u0259 \u00e7ox yara\u015f\u0131r.
Ana q\u0259fil h\u00f6nk\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn d\u00fcnyan\u0131n \u0259n g\u00fccl\u00fc qad\u0131n\u0131 olan anas\u0131 bird\u0259n-bir\u0259 acizliyini g\u00f6z ya\u015flar\u0131yla etiraf etmi\u015fdi. Q\u0131z boynunu b\u00fckm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc\u2026 \u00dcr\u0259yini d\u0259 b\u00fckm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc\u2026 H\u0259min q\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 don \u0259ynind\u0259 yaln\u0131zl\u0131qla nigaha girmi\u015fdi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yaln\u0131zl\u0131q\u2026
T\u0259nhal\u0131q\u2026
Yaxud, he\u00e7 kims\u0259nin olmamas\u0131\u2026
\u018fslind\u0259, b\u00f6y\u00fck bir yalan! Milyonlardan biri kimi \u201cOL\u201d k\u0259lm\u0259sind\u0259n qorxub ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 dizl\u0259rimiz\u0259 dir\u0259yib, g\u00f6zl\u0259rimizi b\u0259rk-b\u0259rk yumub, yumruqlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 qulaqlar\u0131m\u0131za tutub \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fc zaman\u0131n v\u0259 t\u0259bi\u0259tin ixtiyar\u0131na burax\u0131r\u0131q. Anam\u0131z\u0131n b\u0259tnind\u0259n \u00e7\u0131xanda is\u0259 el\u0259 sevinirik ki\u2026 \u0130lk olan bu sevincd\u0259n b\u00fct\u00fcn h\u0259yat\u0131m\u0131z boyu \u0259sla v\u0259 \u0259sla bir daha dadm\u0131r\u0131q. \u00c7\u00fcnki bir bu\u011fda d\u0259n\u0259si il\u0259 H\u0259vva n\u0259n\u0259mizin qazand\u0131\u011f\u0131 do\u011fum sanc\u0131s\u0131 c\u0259zas\u0131n\u0131 anam\u0131za ya\u015fad\u0131b g\u00fcnahs\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zla \u00f6y\u00fcn\u00fcr\u00fck.
Bu aralar, do\u011frudan da, t\u0259zadl\u0131 fikirl\u0259r \u0259lind\u0259 \u0259sir-yesir oldu\u011fumu bilir\u0259m. Yoxsa m\u0259nim n\u0259 h\u0259ddim\u0259ydi ki, H\u0259vvadan dan\u0131\u015fam? Anam\u0131 g\u00fcnahland\u0131ram, t\u00f6vb\u0259, t\u00f6vb\u0259! Yen\u0259 \u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc g\u00f6y\u0259 tuturam:
\u2013 Allah\u0131m, s\u0259n bildiyin m\u0259sl\u0259h\u0259tdir! Birc\u0259 a\u011fl\u0131m\u0131 alma.
A\u011fl\u0131m varm\u0131\u015f kimi, sonuncu xahi\u015fi el\u0259 \u00fcr\u0259kl\u0259 edir\u0259m ki\u2026 Kim deyirs\u0259, \u015fairl\u0259r, yaz\u0131\u00e7\u0131lar a\u011f\u0131ll\u0131 adamlard\u0131r, yan\u0131l\u0131rlar. Onlar q\u0259d\u0259r a\u011f\u0131ls\u0131z, m\u0259ntiqsiz, ham\u0131n\u0131n b\u0259db\u0259xt oldu\u011fu yerd\u0259 xo\u015fb\u0259xt, \u0259n sevincli g\u00fcnd\u0259 qa\u015f-qaba\u011f\u0131 yerl\u0259 ged\u0259n, min g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f i\u00e7ind\u0259 zar\u0131yan ikinci bir insan z\u00fcmr\u0259si tap\u0131lmaz. M\u0259n d\u0259 daxil\u2026
Yaln\u0131zl\u0131q, t\u0259nhal\u0131q, kims\u0259sizlik kimi k\u0259lm\u0259l\u0259ri d\u0259 \u015fairl\u0259r v\u0259 yaz\u0131\u00e7\u0131lar uydurub. Guya t\u0259k bir yerd\u0259 oturma\u011f\u0131, t\u0259k a\u011flama\u011f\u0131 daha duy\u011fusal s\u00f6zl\u0259 ifad\u0259 edibl\u0259r. Bilmir\u0259m kim nec\u0259 ya\u015fay\u0131r bu hissl\u0259ri, m\u0259n etiraf edir\u0259m ki, bel\u0259 hissl\u0259rin m\u00f6vcudlu\u011funa \u015f\u00fcbh\u0259 il\u0259 yana\u015f\u0131ram. \u00c7\u00fcnki t\u0259k a\u011flayanda da kimis\u0259, n\u0259yis\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcb a\u011flay\u0131ram. T\u0259k yem\u0259k yey\u0259nd\u0259 d\u0259 h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 \u00e7\u00f6r\u0259k iyl\u0259yib anam\u0131n, qarda\u015f\u0131m\u0131n, bac\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131n adlar\u0131n\u0131 s\u0131ra il\u0259 sadalay\u0131ram, g\u00f6r\u0259s\u0259n, ac olan\u0131 yoxdur ki? Bu t\u0259kliyin \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259ki qeyri-humanizmi g\u00f6r\u00fcrs\u00fcn\u00fczm\u00fc? T\u0259kc\u0259 \u00f6z do\u011fmalar\u0131m\u0131n ac olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n qeydin\u0259 qalmaq ist\u0259yir\u0259m fikr\u0259n. Bu da d\u00fcnyaya meydan oxuyan yaz\u0131\u00e7\u0131 humanizmi\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n


III f\u0259sil<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yen\u0259 sevgi<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sevgi bu d\u0259f\u0259 ba\u015fqa l\u0259\u00e7\u0259k ba\u011flam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Bu d\u0259f\u0259 ba\u015fqa qoxudayd\u0131, ba\u015fqa r\u0259ngd\u0259ydi\u2026 Amma bu d\u0259f\u0259 o, hesabdan k\u0259narda qalmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. \u018fksin\u0259, indi d\u00fcnyada n\u0259 var-n\u0259 yox, ham\u0131s\u0131ndan haqq-hesab ist\u0259yirdi. Bu sevgi \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00f6l\u00fcm d\u0259 bir udum n\u0259f\u0259s q\u0259d\u0259r adi idi. \u018flb\u0259tt\u0259, bel\u0259 d\u0259 olmal\u0131d\u0131r! Ax\u0131 sevgi \u2013 b\u00fct\u00fcn d\u00fcnyan\u0131n \u0259zb\u0259r bildiyi, lakin oxuyub-oxumamaqda h\u0259r k\u0259sin \u00f6z\u00fc q\u0259rar verdiyi yegan\u0259 n\u0259\u011fm\u0259dir\u2026
Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim bu n\u0259\u011fm\u0259nin varl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan k\u0259ndd\u0259 x\u0259b\u0259r tutmu\u015fdu. Xalas\u0131 onu evin\u0259 qonaq \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Uzaq qohumlar\u0131n toyu \u0259r\u0259f\u0259sind\u0259 bu qonaql\u0131q lap yerin\u0259 d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc. Q\u0131z ilk d\u0259f\u0259 k\u0259nd toyu g\u00f6r\u0259c\u0259kdi. \u00dcst\u00fcn\u0259 q\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 lentl\u0259r ba\u011flanm\u0131\u015f \u00e7ad\u0131r, i\u00e7\u0259rid\u0259 yer\u0259 basd\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f a\u011fac dir\u0259kl\u0259r, \u0259lind\u0259 b\u0259z\u0259kli \u00e7ubuq tutmu\u015f tamada, q\u0131z toyunda o ki var a\u011flay\u0131b, bir g\u00fcn sonra o\u011flan toyunda g\u0259linin ba\u015f\u0131ndan \u015firni t\u00f6k\u0259n qohumlar\u2026 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim yax\u015f\u0131 bir na\u011f\u0131l\u00e7\u0131 olub b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131 na\u011f\u0131l etm\u0259k ist\u0259y\u0259rdi. Bu, sehrli al\u0259m\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u0259n bir \u015fahzad\u0259nin ba\u015f\u0131na g\u0259lmi\u015f \u0259n g\u00f6z\u0259l mac\u0259ra idi. T\u0259bii ki, xalas\u0131n\u0131n t\u0259z\u0259c\u0259 \u0259sg\u0259rlikd\u0259n g\u0259l\u0259n bald\u0131z\u0131 o\u011flu da bu na\u011f\u0131lda yava\u015f-yava\u015f \u00f6z yerini tuturdu; q\u0131zdan o\u011frunca as\u0131lan b\u0259rraq bax\u0131\u015flar, \u00fcz-\u00fcz\u0259 g\u0259linc\u0259 titr\u0259y\u0259n s\u0259s, q\u0131zaran yanaqlar, s\u00f6zl\u0259rd\u0259n qabaq n\u0259yis\u0259 anlatma\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan \u0259ll\u0259r t\u0259kc\u0259 a\u011f at\u0131n yoxlu\u011funa heyfsil\u0259nirdi. Sanki Allah Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u0259 xo\u015fb\u0259xtlik \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn xeyir-duas\u0131n\u0131 verirdi.
O g\u00fcnd\u0259n Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin \u00fcr\u0259yind\u0259 bir s\u0131z\u0131lt\u0131 vard\u0131. Amma bu s\u0131z\u0131lt\u0131 \u0259zab s\u0131z\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131 deyildi. Bu, ona tan\u0131\u015f olmayan bir inc\u0259 a\u011fr\u0131 idi. Q\u0131za el\u0259 g\u0259lirdi ki, bu a\u011fr\u0131 k\u0259ndd\u0259 g\u00f6rd\u00fcy\u00fc o\u011flan\u0131n bax\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan, g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u0259n qoparaq onun damarlar\u0131na hopub. G\u00fcn\u00fcn hans\u0131 saat\u0131nda g\u00f6zl\u0259ri \u00f6n\u00fcn\u0259 o o\u011flan\u0131n bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131 g\u0259ls\u0259, q\u0131z\u0131n \u0259ll\u0259ri titr\u0259y\u0259r, g\u00f6zl\u0259ri buludlanar, dizl\u0259ri yerim\u0259k\u00e7\u00fcn olan son taq\u0259tini toplay\u0131rd\u0131. H\u0259rd\u0259n ona el\u0259 g\u0259lirdi ki, bel\u0259 anlarda \u00fcr\u0259yinin d\u00f6y\u00fcnt\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fc b\u00fct\u00fcn d\u00fcnya e\u015fid\u0259 bilir\u2026
Zaman sevgi h\u0259y\u0259canlar\u0131yla ayaqla\u015fm\u0131r. Ona g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259 iki il sev\u0259n bir g\u0259nc q\u0131z\u0131n \u00f6mr\u00fcnd\u0259n ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b dinm\u0259z-s\u00f6yl\u0259m\u0259z ke\u00e7m\u0259y\u0259 c\u0259sar\u0259t ed\u0259 bildi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim is\u0259 o o\u011flan\u0131 axtarmaq, he\u00e7 olmasa, ad\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6yr\u0259nm\u0259k c\u0259sar\u0259tini \u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259 tapmad\u0131. Sad\u0259c\u0259, h\u0259r ax\u015fam, yata\u011f\u0131na uzanark\u0259n s\u00fcd r\u0259ngd\u0259 boyanm\u0131\u015f tavana baxaraq o o\u011flan\u0131 x\u0259yal etdi; gah evl\u0259ndil\u0259r, gah k\u00fcsd\u00fcl\u0259r, gah h\u0259r\u0259si bir komp\u00fcter al\u0131b b\u00f6y\u00fck yaz\u0131\u00e7\u0131 oldular, gah da sakitc\u0259 ayr\u0131ld\u0131lar\u2026 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u0259 el\u0259 g\u0259lirdi ki, bu x\u0259yallar onun h\u0259yatdan da gizl\u0259tdiyi \u0259n b\u00f6y\u00fck sirridir. Bu sirr il\u0259 ya\u015famaq ona \u00e7ox xo\u015f idi. \u00dcr\u0259yind\u0259ki s\u0131z\u0131lt\u0131 onu xo\u015fb\u0259xt edirdi. H\u0259yat f\u0259rqli olma\u011f\u0131 bacara bilmi\u015fdi.
Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim ali t\u0259hsili bitirib diplom ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00fcn anas\u0131 da ona mobil telefon h\u0259diyy\u0259 etdi. Q\u0131z iki sevinci birg\u0259 ya\u015fay\u0131rd\u0131. H\u0259m diplomunu, h\u0259m d\u0259 mobil telefonunu g\u00f6st\u0259rm\u0259y\u0259, sevincini b\u00f6lm\u0259y\u0259 adam axtar\u0131rm\u0131\u015f kimi b\u00fct\u00fcn qohumlar\u0131 g\u00f6zl\u0259ri \u00f6n\u00fcnd\u0259n ke\u00e7irmi\u015fdi. N\u0259d\u0259ns\u0259 bu sevincli anlar\u0131nda k\u0259ndd\u0259-xalas\u0131gild\u0259 olmaq ist\u0259mi\u015fdi. G\u00fcnortadan sonra Yevlaxdan \u00e7\u0131xan g\u00fcn\u00fcn sonuncu avtobus reysin\u0259 \u00e7atmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn ana il\u0259 q\u0131z \u0259ll\u0259rin\u0259 ke\u00e7\u0259n paltar\u0131 geyinib evd\u0259n \u00e7\u0131xm\u0131\u015fd\u0131lar. Avtobusda ba\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 qald\u0131r\u0131b he\u00e7 kim\u0259 baxmasalar da, k\u0259nd dayanaca\u011f\u0131nda onlardan \u00f6nc\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u0259n o\u011flan Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin g\u00f6z\u00fcnd\u0259n yay\u0131nmam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Bu, o idi! Bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131yla, g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyl\u0259 q\u0131za bir \u00f6m\u00fcrl\u00fck inc\u0259 a\u011fr\u0131 h\u0259diyy\u0259 ed\u0259n o\u011flan!
O\u011flan da onlar\u0131 tan\u0131m\u0131\u015fd\u0131, avtobusun yan\u0131ndaca salamla\u015fd\u0131lar:
\u2013 Salam, xala.
\u2013 Salam, qadan al\u0131m! \u2013 Anas\u0131 \u00f6zl\u0259riyl\u0259 g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fckl\u0259ri y\u00fck\u00fc aparmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn adam tapd\u0131\u011f\u0131na sevinmi\u015fdi.
\u2013 G\u0259lin k\u00f6m\u0259k edim. M\u0259n d\u0259 day\u0131mgil\u0259 gedir\u0259m. T\u0259sad\u00fcf\u0259 bax.
\u2013 Yax\u015f\u0131, qadan al\u0131m, bir yerd\u0259 ged\u0259k. Olaq iki qonaq.
\u2013 \u00dc\u00e7 qonaq! \u2013 O\u011flan bunu deyib ba\u015f\u0131yla Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u0259 i\u015far\u0259 etdi. H\u0259r \u00fc\u00e7\u00fc g\u00fcld\u00fcl\u0259r.
Yol boyu o\u011flan\u0131n q\u0131za \u00fcnvanland\u0131\u011f\u0131 b\u00fct\u00fcn suallara ana h\u0259v\u0259sl\u0259 cavab verirdi. Onun t\u0259z\u0259c\u0259 diplom ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, \u00fcst\u0259lik mobil telefonu yax\u015f\u0131 i\u015fl\u0259d\u0259 bilm\u0259m\u0259yini, xalas\u0131gill\u0259 sevincini b\u00f6lm\u0259y\u0259 t\u0259l\u0259sdiyini, h\u0259tta g\u0259tirdikl\u0259ri y\u00fck\u00fcn i\u00e7ind\u0259 dadl\u0131 \u015firniyyatlar oldu\u011funu da ana o\u011flana dan\u0131\u015fmaqdan \u00e7\u0259kinm\u0259di. N\u0259hay\u0259t, o\u011flan n\u0259f\u0259sini d\u0259rm\u0259y\u0259 dayand\u0131\u011f\u0131nda \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc t\u0259qdim el\u0259di:
\u2013 Ad\u0131m Qalibdi. Day\u0131m da, day\u0131dostum da h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 sizd\u0259n dan\u0131\u015f\u0131rlar. Onlar\u0131n q\u0131zlar\u0131 oxumad\u0131 dey\u0259, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim xalas\u0131n\u0131n f\u0259xr yeridir.
Q\u0131z b\u00fct\u00fcn yolu \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc \u015f\u0259xs kimi g\u00f6rm\u0259kd\u0259n d\u0259 utan\u0131rd\u0131. O\u011flan\u0131n dilind\u0259n \u00f6z ad\u0131n\u0131 e\u015fid\u0259nd\u0259 is\u0259\u2026 Ona el\u0259 g\u0259ldi ki, bu g\u00fcnd\u0259n sonra bir daha g\u00fczg\u00fcy\u0259 baxma\u011fa da c\u0259sar\u0259ti \u00e7atmayacaq. Qalibin onun ad\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7\u0259km\u0259si q\u0131zda el\u0259 duy\u011fular oyatm\u0131\u015fd\u0131 ki, sanki indic\u0259 yanaqlar\u0131ndan bir \u00e7\u0259ng\u0259 od \u00e7\u0131xacaq, ham\u0131n\u0131, h\u0259r \u015feyi \u2013bu k\u0259ndi, Qalibi, anas\u0131n\u0131, yolun k\u0259nar\u0131nda otlayan in\u0259kl\u0259ri yand\u0131racaq. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar bir yana qals\u0131n, o\u011flan bu odun niy\u0259 \u00e7\u0131rta\u00e7\u0131rtla yand\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bil\u0259c\u0259k. Ondan sonra iki il boyunca s\u00fcd r\u0259ngli tavana \u201cyaz\u0131lm\u0131\u015f\u201d x\u0259yallar\u0131n ham\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 oxuyacaq. V\u0259\u2026 V\u0259 n\u0259tic\u0259d\u0259 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00f6ls\u0259, bundan daha yax\u015f\u0131 olacaq!
Xalas\u0131gil\u0259 \u00e7atan kimi anas\u0131 \u00e7antadan diplomu \u00e7\u0131xar\u0131b sevinc\u0259k \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc bac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcn\u0259 atd\u0131. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim is\u0259 xalas\u0131 q\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n b\u00fck\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f dirs\u0259yin\u0259 d\u0131rnaqlar\u0131n\u0131 bat\u0131raraq \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc i\u00e7\u0259ri ota\u011fa t\u0259pdi. Ax\u015fam olub, onun \u015f\u0259r\u0259fin\u0259 d\u00fcz\u0259nl\u0259n\u0259n qonaql\u0131q bit\u0259n\u0259 kimi e\u015fiy\u0259 \u00e7\u0131xmad\u0131. P\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259nin o \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259n \u015f\u0259nin\u0259 deyil\u0259n t\u0259rifl\u0259ri d\u0259, diplomununun nec\u0259 \u0259zizl\u0259nm\u0259sini d\u0259 e\u015fitdikc\u0259 x\u0259yal\u0131nda Qalibin g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fc, sirli bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 canland\u0131rd\u0131. H\u0259tta xalas\u0131 q\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n arada ona bax\u0131b hiyl\u0259g\u0259rc\u0259sin\u0259 g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u0259m\u0259sini v\u0259 eyhamla dan\u0131\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131 da anlamamazl\u0131qdan g\u0259ldi. Xalas\u0131 q\u0131z\u0131 demi\u015fdi:
\u2013 Qalib biz\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259nd\u0259 \u0259n \u00e7oxu yar\u0131m saatdan sonra babamgil\u0259 qa\u00e7\u0131rd\u0131. Bu g\u00fcn n\u0259d\u0259ns\u0259 h\u0259l\u0259 getm\u0259k fikrin\u0259 d\u00fc\u015fm\u0259yib.
N\u0259hay\u0259t, ax\u015fam, g\u00f6yl\u0259rin \u00f6z sevgisini yer\u0259 izhar etm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn yer\u0259 g\u00f6nd\u0259rdiyi g\u00fcn\u0259\u015f \u015f\u00fcalar\u0131 q\u0259rbd\u0259ki Bozda\u011f silsil\u0259sinin t\u0259p\u0259sind\u0259 yumurtal\u0131 t\u0259ndir \u00e7\u00f6r\u0259yi kimi q\u0131zaranda Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim asta add\u0131mlarla eyvana \u00e7\u0131xd\u0131. Stol ba\u015f\u0131ndan durmaq ist\u0259m\u0259y\u0259n ail\u0259 \u00fczvl\u0259ri v\u0259 qonaqlar ham\u0131s\u0131 maraqla eyvan\u0131n o ba\u015f\u0131nda dayanm\u0131\u015f q\u0131za bax\u0131rd\u0131lar. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc cadug\u0259rin tilsimiyl\u0259 na\u011f\u0131llardan qopub insanlar aras\u0131na d\u00fc\u015f\u0259n sehrli \u015fahzad\u0259 kimi hiss edirdi. Ona g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259 utanm\u0131\u015f yanaqlar\u0131n\u0131 q\u0259rib\u0259, anla\u015f\u0131lmaz bax\u0131\u015flardan qopar\u0131b yen\u0259 ota\u011fa t\u0259pildi. O, bu g\u00fcn burda \u0259n do\u011fma qonaq olaca\u011f\u0131 \u00fcmidind\u0259n \u0259l \u00e7\u0259kmi\u015fdi. A\u00e7\u0131q-ayd\u0131n g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc ki, ail\u0259 \u00fczvl\u0259rini ondan \u00e7ox Qalib maraqland\u0131r\u0131r. Bu mara\u011f\u0131n s\u0259b\u0259bini yaln\u0131z ax\u015fam -Qalib babas\u0131gil\u0259 ged\u0259nd\u0259n sonra bildi. Xalas\u0131 q\u0131z\u0131 hiyl\u0259g\u0259r t\u0259b\u0259ss\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fc gizl\u0259tm\u0259d\u0259n sevincd\u0259n i\u015f\u0131ldayan b\u0259b\u0259kl\u0259rini onun g\u00f6zl\u0259rin\u0259 zill\u0259mi\u015fdi. Demi\u015fdi ki:
\u2013 Bilirs\u0259n, Qalibin s\u0259nd\u0259n xo\u015fu g\u0259lib. M\u0259n d\u0259 yalandan dedim ki, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin d\u0259 s\u0259nd\u0259n xo\u015fu g\u0259lir\u2026
\u0130st\u0259di xalas\u0131 q\u0131z\u0131na ac\u0131\u011f\u0131 tutsun, al\u0131nmad\u0131\u2026 \u0130st\u0259di ona yalan dediyini s\u00fcbut etsin, m\u00fcmk\u00fcns\u00fczd\u00fc\u2026 \u0130st\u0259di bu k\u0259ndd\u0259n d\u0259, burdak\u0131lardan da k\u00fcs\u00fcb bird\u0259f\u0259lik \u00e7\u0131x\u0131b getsin, c\u00fcr\u0259ti \u00e7atmad\u0131\u2026 Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b \u00fcr\u0259yind\u0259ki sevgisin\u0259 s\u0131\u011f\u0131nd\u0131. Beynind\u0259 dolanan b\u00fct\u00fcn qarma-qar\u0131\u015f\u0131q fikirl\u0259ri ki\u00e7icik bir c\u00fcml\u0259y\u0259 qurban verdi: \u201cN\u0259 olacaqsa-olsun, qism\u0259tdir\u201d. Bu qism\u0259tin onu n\u0259l\u0259r\u0259 aparaca\u011f\u0131ndan x\u0259b\u0259rsizc\u0259 ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 yast\u0131\u011fa \u0259man\u0259t etdi, yuxudan \u00f6nc\u0259 duas\u0131n\u0131 da \u0259sirg\u0259m\u0259di:
\u2013 Allah\u0131m, n\u0259 xeyirlidirs\u0259, m\u0259n\u0259 onu ver\u2026
O gec\u0259 yuxusu da Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin \u00fcr\u0259yinin i\u00e7ind\u0259n \u00e7\u0131xm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Q\u0131z yuxuda g\u00f6r\u00fcrd\u00fc ki, Qalibl\u0259 \u00fcz-\u00fcz\u0259 nar a\u011fac\u0131n\u0131n alt\u0131nda dayan\u0131blar. Bir-birl\u0259rin\u0259 baxma\u011fa utan\u0131rlar, amma bax\u0131\u015flar g\u00fcn i\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131 kimi arada par\u0131ldamaqdan \u00e7\u0259kinmir. Onlar iki q\u0259rib q\u00fcrb\u0259td\u0259 tap\u0131\u015fan kimi sevincliydil\u0259r. H\u0259yat\u0131n bundan sonras\u0131 onlara g\u00fcv\u0259n dolu g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fc. Qalibin \u0259ll\u0259ri nar a\u011fac\u0131n\u0131n \u00e7atraq budaqlar\u0131 aras\u0131ndan bir ulduz qopar\u0131b q\u0131z\u0131n sa\u00e7lar\u0131na taxd\u0131 v\u0259 ikisi d\u0259 g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015fl\u0259rinin cingiltisini bir-birin\u0259 h\u0259diyy\u0259 ed\u0259 bildil\u0259r\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bizim izah\u0131n\u0131 bilm\u0259diyimiz yuxular \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcz boyu axtard\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z h\u0259qiq\u0259td\u0259n x\u0259b\u0259r g\u0259tir\u0259n car\u00e7\u0131lard\u0131r. Sad\u0259c\u0259, n\u0259 biz anlam\u0131r\u0131q, n\u0259 d\u0259 anladanlara qulaq asm\u0131r\u0131q. Kor-koran\u0259 h\u0259qiq\u0259ti axtar\u0131r\u0131q. D\u00fcnyan\u0131n alt\u0131n\u0131-\u00fcst\u00fcn\u00fc bilirmi\u015fik kimi hiss etdiyimiz zamanlar da olur, ad\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n bel\u0259 yanl\u0131\u015f qoyuldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcy\u00fcm\u00fcz anlar da. \u00dc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc bir ruh hal\u0131nda is\u0259 bu ikisinin hans\u0131n\u0131n ya\u015fam\u0131m\u0131zda v\u0259 varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda \u00fcst\u00fcnl\u00fck t\u0259\u015fkil etdiyini g\u00f6t\u00fcr-qoy edirik. N\u0259tic\u0259 h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 eyni olur; D=0. Bu s\u0131f\u0131r\u0131 biz yarad\u0131r\u0131q. B\u0259li, biz! S\u0259n! M\u0259n! \u00c7\u00fcnki biz\u0259 \u0259ta edil\u0259n 1-i g\u00f6rm\u00fcr\u00fck, g\u00f6rm\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131r\u0131q da. \u018fg\u0259r insan \u00f6mr\u00fcnd\u0259 ona veril\u0259n 1-in f\u0259rqin\u0259 varsa, daha uzaq-uzaq, anla\u015f\u0131lmaz x\u0259yallarda deyil, ovcunun i\u00e7ind\u0259, p\u0259nc\u0259r\u0259sinin o \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259, oxudu\u011fu kitab\u0131n n\u00f6vb\u0259ti s\u0259hif\u0259sind\u0259 h\u0259qiq\u0259t\u0259 do\u011fru daha bir add\u0131m yerini g\u00f6r\u0259c\u0259k. \u0130namla aya\u011f\u0131n\u0131 h\u0259qiq\u0259t\u0259 do\u011fru ged\u0259n pill\u0259kan\u0131n n\u00f6vb\u0259ti pill\u0259sin\u0259 qoyacaq. V\u0259 sonunda anlayacaqd\u0131r Yaradandan b\u00f6y\u00fck h\u0259qiq\u0259t olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131. Onun \u00f6z h\u0259qiq\u0259tind\u0259n yaratd\u0131qlar\u0131na nec\u0259 s\u0259xav\u0259tl\u0259 pay ay\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 da d\u0259rk ed\u0259c\u0259kdir. Sonunda h\u0259qiq\u0259tl\u0259 h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259 \u00e7iyin-\u00e7iyin\u0259 ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bil\u0259c\u0259kdir. Ax\u0131 yarad\u0131c\u0131l\u0131q insan\u0131 insandan \u00fcst\u00fcn ed\u0259n ilahi se\u00e7imdir.
Yuxular h\u0259qiq\u0259td\u0259n b\u0259hs ed\u0259n kitab\u0131 oxuma\u011f\u0131 bacarmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn biz\u0259 g\u00f6nd\u0259ril\u0259n ilk h\u0259rfl\u0259rdir. B\u0259s biz bu h\u0259rfl\u0259ri bir-bir \u00f6yr\u0259nib, h\u0259qiq\u0259tin \u0259lifbas\u0131n\u0131 \u0259zb\u0259rl\u0259y\u0259 bilirikmi? \u018flb\u0259tt\u0259 ki, yox! Yoxsa, d\u00fcnya yarand\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00fcnd\u0259n \u00fcz\u00fcb\u0259ri h\u0259r g\u00fcn \u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcz\u0259 bu sual\u0131 niy\u0259 \u00fcnvanlayard\u0131q ki?! \u201cOLUM YA \u00d6L\u00dcM?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Toy gecikm\u0259di. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn toya haz\u0131rla\u015fd\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00fcnl\u0259r \u0259sl itmi\u015f krall\u0131q ehti\u015fam\u0131yd\u0131. Sevdas\u0131n\u0131n arxas\u0131na d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcb ayaq qoydu\u011fu c\u0131\u011f\u0131r\u0131n o biri ba\u015f\u0131nda g\u00f6zl\u0259y\u0259n xo\u015fb\u0259xtliyi t\u0259s\u0259vv\u00fcr\u00fcnd\u0259 canland\u0131ra bilirdi. Sa\u00e7lar\u0131nda a\u011f lentl\u0259r olan ki\u00e7ik q\u0131zc\u0131\u011faz, g\u00f6y r\u0259ngli idman papa\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131na t\u0259rsin\u0259 qoymu\u015f o\u011flan v\u0259 bal\u0131q tutmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn tilovunu nizamlayan Qalib xo\u015fb\u0259xtlik na\u011f\u0131l\u0131n\u0131n q\u0259hr\u0259manlar\u0131 idi. Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim sevinirdi\u2026
Anas\u0131 da sevinirdi. Bu hissin \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcs\u00fczl\u00fcy\u00fcn\u00fc qad\u0131n b\u00fct\u00fcn h\u0259yat\u0131 boyu yaln\u0131z bu g\u00fcn anlam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Onun \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00f6t\u0259n g\u00fcnl\u0259rin \u00f6z\u00fcyl\u0259 apard\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015fl\u0259r, titr\u0259k h\u0259y\u0259canlar, k\u00fcr\u0259yini s\u00f6yk\u0259yib k\u00f6ks\u00fcn\u00fc \u00f6t\u00fcr\u0259 bildiyi g\u00fcv\u0259n bu g\u00fcn bird\u0259n-bir\u0259 geri qay\u0131tm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. Tanr\u0131 bu qad\u0131n\u0131n g\u00f6zl\u0259rind\u0259ki sevinci g\u00f6r\u00fcb \u00f6z\u00fc d\u0259 sevinmi\u015fdi, b\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259.
U\u015faql\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan bu yana g\u00f6rm\u0259diyi, tan\u0131mad\u0131\u011f\u0131 b\u00fct\u00fcn qohumlar Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yiml\u0259 Qalibin toyuna y\u0131\u011f\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015fd\u0131lar. A\u011f g\u0259linliyi geyindiyi g\u00fcn q\u0131z bir daha anlam\u0131\u015fd\u0131 ki, yax\u015f\u0131 adamlar adam\u0131n dar g\u00fcn\u00fcn\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259r. \u015e\u0259n g\u00fcnd\u0259 kimi ist\u0259s\u0259n, qap\u0131nda, yan-y\u00f6r\u0259nd\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 bil\u0259rmi\u015fs\u0259n. Ona g\u00f6r\u0259 d\u0259 bibil\u0259rinin, \u0259mil\u0259rinin, atas\u0131n\u0131n \u0259miu\u015faqlar\u0131n\u0131n yax\u015f\u0131 adam oldu\u011funa \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc inand\u0131rma\u011fa c\u0259hd d\u0259 el\u0259m\u0259di. Ax\u0131 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim do\u011fmal\u0131q \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcs\u00fcnd\u0259 yaln\u0131z iki ad tan\u0131yaraq b\u00f6y\u00fcm\u00fc\u015fd\u00fc: ana v\u0259 n\u0259n\u0259. \u00c7ox ist\u0259rdi ki, bu g\u00fcn n\u0259n\u0259si d\u0259 burda olayd\u0131. Onun \u00f6z sevdal\u0131s\u0131yla murad\u0131na yetdiyi g\u00fcnl\u0259ri g\u00f6r\u0259 bil\u0259ydi\u2026 Onunla birg\u0259 sevincini nec\u0259 gizl\u0259d\u0259ciyini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u0259ydi\u2026 Ax\u0131 toyda g\u0259lin \u00e7ox g\u00fclm\u0259z.
Anas\u0131 yegan\u0259 \u00f6vlad\u0131ndan ayr\u0131l\u0131b t\u0259k ya\u015famaq ist\u0259m\u0259diyind\u0259n valideynl\u0259rinin raz\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 il\u0259 toydan sonra Qalib onlarla birg\u0259 ya\u015fayacaqd\u0131. Bu da Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn sevinc\u0259 daha bir s\u0259b\u0259b idi. \u00c7\u00fcnki toy h\u0259y\u0259canlar\u0131 ba\u015flayan g\u00fcnd\u0259n \u00fcr\u0259yind\u0259 anas\u0131n\u0131 t\u0259k qoyaca\u011f\u0131 nigaran\u00e7\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 da vard\u0131. Bu nigaran\u00e7\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n quca\u011f\u0131nda \u0259lini at\u0131b cehiz ad\u0131na ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 h\u0259r qab\u0131n, h\u0259r d\u0259smal\u0131n yan\u0131nda iki gil\u0259 g\u00f6z ya\u015f\u0131 y\u0131\u011f\u0131rd\u0131 karton qutulara. Amma anas\u0131ndan ayr\u0131lmamaq q\u0259rar\u0131 verilinc\u0259 y\u0131\u011fd\u0131\u011f\u0131 b\u00fct\u00fcn cehizl\u0259ri qutulardan \u00e7\u0131xarm\u0131\u015f, \u00f6z evl\u0259rini b\u0259z\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 bir qucaq f\u0259r\u0259hl\u0259 giri\u015fmi\u015fdi.
Toy g\u00f6z\u0259l ke\u00e7mi\u015fdi\u2026 Yevlax rayonunun h\u0259r inzibati idar\u0259sind\u0259n, m\u0259kt\u0259bl\u0259rd\u0259n, b\u00f6y\u00fck ma\u011fazalardan, h\u0259tta televiziya \u015firk\u0259tind\u0259n d\u0259 toya qonaqlar g\u0259lmi\u015fdi. H\u0259r biri \u00e7\u0131x\u0131\u015f\u0131nda Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim kimi a\u011f\u0131ll\u0131, ism\u0259tli v\u0259 g\u00f6z\u0259l bir q\u0131z\u0131n qohumu oldu\u011fu \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn q\u00fcrur duydu\u011funu demi\u015fdi. Onda q\u0131z yen\u0259 n\u0259yis\u0259 anlama\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. N\u0259hay\u0259t, \u00f6z\u00fc \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn bir d\u0259 bunu k\u0259\u015ff etmi\u015fdi ki, s\u0259n dem\u0259, anas\u0131n\u0131n onun balaca \u0259ll\u0259rind\u0259n tutub \u00f6z\u00fcyl\u0259 i\u015f\u0259 apard\u0131\u011f\u0131 zamanlarda, n\u0259n\u0259sinin onun oxumas\u0131 \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn t\u0259qa\u00fcd\u00fcn\u00fc q\u0259piyin\u0259c\u0259n y\u0131\u011f\u0131b saxlad\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00fcnl\u0259rd\u0259 Yevlax \u015f\u0259h\u0259rinin \u0259n m\u00f6t\u0259b\u0259r, say\u0131l\u0131b-se\u00e7il\u0259n adamlar\u0131 Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin qohumu oldu\u011funu unudublarm\u0131\u015f. Ancaq onu bilm\u0259di ki, bu qohumlu\u011fu m\u0259hz toy g\u00fcn\u00fcnd\u0259 bu q\u0259d\u0259r adam bird\u0259n-bir\u0259 nec\u0259 xat\u0131rlaya bilibl\u0259r\u2026
B\u00fct\u00fcn olub-bit\u0259nl\u0259rin ba\u015f\u0131 \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259 bir ovuc nar\u0131nc\u0131 i\u015f\u0131q seli bulud kimi topalan\u0131b el\u0259d\u0259n-el\u0259, bel\u0259d\u0259n-bel\u0259 el\u0259 sayr\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131; Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim xo\u015fb\u0259xt idi!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xo\u015fb\u0259xtliyin yar\u0131m\u00e7\u0131ql\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anlamaq insan \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn \u00e7ox asan olur h\u0259mi\u015f\u0259. O q\u0259d\u0259r asan olur ki, barmaqlar\u0131n\u0131 \u00fcst-\u00fcst\u0259 b\u00fck\u00fcb g\u00f6zl\u0259rini o b\u00fck\u00fcy\u0259 zill\u0259m\u0259k b\u0259s edir. \u00d6z\u00fcn\u00fc h\u0259r n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r xo\u015fb\u0259xt saysan da, b\u0259db\u0259xtliyin burnunun ucundaca barda\u015f qurub oturdu\u011funu g\u00f6r\u0259 bilirs\u0259n. Onun niy\u0259 g\u0259ldiyind\u0259n \u00e7ox, nec\u0259 g\u0259ldiyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u0259k \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn s\u0259b\u0259b ola bilir. V\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259n b\u0259db\u0259xtliyin d\u00fcz ovcundaca anlatd\u0131\u011f\u0131n-anlatmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n h\u00fcznl\u0259r m\u00f6vcuddur.
Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim d\u0259 bu v\u0259ziyy\u0259td\u0259ydi. Toydan ke\u00e7\u0259n yeddi ay \u0259rzind\u0259 h\u0259r h\u0259ft\u0259 qula\u011f\u0131na bu s\u00f6zl\u0259r \u00e7at\u0131rd\u0131:
\u2013 G\u0259linin bir \u015feyi varm\u0131?
\u2013 Q\u0131z\u0131n bir \u015feyi varm\u0131?
\u2013 Yeni bir \u015fey varm\u0131?
\u2013 Bir \u015fey-mir \u015feyd\u0259n x\u0259b\u0259r varm\u0131?
Bu \u201cbir \u015fey \u201d k\u0259lm\u0259sini e\u015fid\u0259n kimi onun k\u0259d\u0259rl\u0259r\u0259 \u00f6rt\u00fck olmu\u015f bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131 ayaqlar\u0131n\u0131n ucuna dikil\u0259r, ordan \u00fcz\u00fcyuxar\u0131 s\u00fcr\u00fcn\u0259-s\u00fcr\u00fcn\u0259 d\u0131rma\u015far, g\u00f6b\u0259yin\u0259 \u00e7atmam\u0131\u015f dayanar, susar, susa-susa ba\u011f\u0131rar, hayq\u0131rar, gah nal\u0259y\u0259, gah \u015fikay\u0259t\u0259, gah da duaya d\u00f6n\u0259rdi. Sonuncu d\u00f6rdc\u0259 k\u0259lm\u0259 olard\u0131:
\u2013 Allah\u0131m, m\u0259n\u0259 bala ver.
Art\u0131q bu \u201cbir \u015fey\u201d k\u0259lm\u0259si Qalibin i\u015f yerini, uzaq qohumlar\u0131n telefon z\u0259ngl\u0259rini d\u0259 z\u0259bt etmi\u015fdi. Qalibin onun bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131 yer\u0259 aradabir \u00e7ar\u0259sizlikl\u0259 y\u00f6n\u0259l\u0259n g\u00f6zl\u0259rind\u0259ki duman\u0131 g\u00f6rm\u0259k Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn daha a\u011f\u0131r idi. Sevginin b\u00f6y\u00fckl\u00fcy\u00fcn\u0259, \u0259v\u0259zolunmazl\u0131\u011f\u0131na h\u0259r n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r inansa da, ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 c\u0259miyy\u0259tin yaz\u0131lmayan qanunlar\u0131ndan x\u0259b\u0259rsiz d\u0259 deyildi. Bu qanunlara \u00f6zl\u0259rind\u0259n daha \u00e7ox inanan, g\u00fcv\u0259n\u0259n, \u00f6zl\u0259rin\u0259 xeyir ed\u0259nd\u0259 alil\u0259\u015fdirib \u0259m\u0259l ed\u0259n, xeyir etm\u0259y\u0259nd\u0259 yaxas\u0131n\u0131 q\u0131ra\u011fa \u00e7\u0259k\u0259n insanlardan \u201cbir \u015fey\u201dsiz xo\u015fb\u0259xtliyi r\u0259va g\u00f6rm\u0259l\u0259rini ummaq d\u00fczg\u00fcn deyildi. Bu, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin m\u0259hkum olundu\u011fu c\u0259miyy\u0259td\u0259 he\u00e7 d\u0259 \u0259dal\u0259t say\u0131lm\u0131rd\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBir az vaxt\u0131m var\u2026\u201d Bel\u0259 ba\u015flam\u0131\u015fd\u0131 d\u0259ft\u0259r\u00e7\u0259, amma bitm\u0259mi\u015fdi. C\u00fcml\u0259-c\u00fcml\u0259, s\u00f6z-s\u00f6z axtard\u0131\u011f\u0131m m\u00fc\u0259llifi tapm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m, lakin olmu\u015flar\u0131n indiki zaman\u0131n\u0131 soru\u015fma\u011fa c\u0259sar\u0259tim \u00e7atm\u0131rd\u0131. Bunu yazan \u00e7oxbilmi\u015fin biriydi ax\u0131, bilirdim. Tan\u0131y\u0131rd\u0131m\u2026 G\u00fcnahkarlar\u0131n \u0259n g\u00fcnahkar\u0131, m\u0259sumlu\u011fun \u015feytani r\u0259mzi idi bunu yazan. D\u00fcnyaya g\u0259li\u015find\u0259 bel\u0259 \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc su\u00e7lu sayan\u0131n b\u0259han\u0259si \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc sevm\u0259k olsa da, \u00f6l\u00fcm h\u0259l\u0259 onun v\u00fcsal\u0131na can atm\u0131rd\u0131. B\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259, bu \u00e7oxbilmi\u015fin \u00f6l\u00fcmd\u0259n kiray\u0259l\u0259diyi \u00f6m\u00fcr m\u00fcdd\u0259ti vard\u0131? Kim bilir\u2026 B\u0259lk\u0259, o, bu kiray\u0259ni el\u0259 bu andaca Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim\u0259 k\u00f6m\u0259k etm\u0259kl\u0259 \u00f6d\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 s\u00f6z vermi\u015fdi? Bunu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm\u2026 V\u0259 telefonu \u0259lim\u0259 al\u0131b Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin n\u00f6mr\u0259sini y\u0131\u011fd\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yim G\u0259nc\u0259y\u0259 g\u0259l\u0259nd\u0259 \u00fcz\u00fc bahara ged\u0259n bir zaman k\u0259siyinin yar\u0131g\u00fcn\u0259\u015fli g\u00fcn\u00fcyd\u00fc. Nahardan \u00f6nc\u0259ydi. V\u0259d\u0259l\u0259\u015fdiyimiz kimi M\u0259rk\u0259zi Univermaq Ma\u011fazas\u0131n\u0131n qar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fd\u00fck. Onun \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259ki \u00fczg\u00fcnl\u00fcy\u00fcn k\u00f6lg\u0259sind\u0259n qorxa-qorxa boylanan \u00fcmid d\u0259 m\u0259n\u0259 tan\u0131\u015f idi. M\u0259n o k\u00f6hn\u0259 tan\u0131\u015f\u0131 ill\u0259rin o \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259 t\u0259rk edib ard\u0131ma baxmadan \u00fcz\u00fc g\u0259l\u0259c\u0259y\u0259 qan-t\u0259r i\u00e7ind\u0259 el\u0259 qa\u00e7m\u0131\u015fd\u0131m ki, bir daha onunla rastla\u015fma\u011f\u0131m haqq\u0131nda d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u0259mi\u015fdim d\u0259. Lakin indi, \u201cu\u015faq\u201d deyil\u0259n m\u00f6c\u00fcz\u0259ni g\u00f6zl\u0259yib-g\u00f6zl\u0259m\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 q\u0259rar ver\u0259 bilm\u0259y\u0259n Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin \u00f6z\u00fcyl\u0259 g\u0259tirdiyi h\u0259min qorxaq \u00fcmid qar\u015f\u0131mdayd\u0131. \u018fvv\u0259ll\u0259r \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fcm bu qorxaql\u0131\u011fa, indi is\u0259 hirsl\u0259nirdim. Az qal\u0131rd\u0131m tutam o \u00fcmidin yaxas\u0131ndan, \u00e7\u0259k\u0259m k\u0259d\u0259rin arxas\u0131ndan b\u0259ri, dey\u0259m ki… Dey\u0259m ki…
Yaln\u0131z indi anlay\u0131ram, m\u0259nim o \u00fcmidl\u0259 dan\u0131\u015fma\u011fa, ona n\u0259s\u0259 dem\u0259y\u0259 \u00fcz\u00fcm d\u0259 qalmay\u0131b. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131b Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin \u0259lind\u0259n tuturam. \u015e\u0259h\u0259raras\u0131 avtobusun h\u0259zin-h\u0259zin biz\u0259 yax\u0131nla\u015fd\u0131\u011f\u0131na bax\u0131ram. M\u0259ni \u00fcst\u0259l\u0259m\u0259y\u0259 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan k\u00f6vr\u0259kliyimi di\u015fl\u0259rimin aras\u0131nda \u0259zirmi\u015f\u0259m kimi \u00e7\u0259n\u0259 s\u00fcm\u00fcy\u00fcm\u00fc \u0259liml\u0259 s\u0131x\u0131ram. V\u0259 h\u0259kim\u0259 dey\u0259c\u0259yim s\u00f6zl\u0259ri beynimd\u0259 s\u0259liq\u0259-s\u0259hmana sal\u0131ram.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d6z\u00fcm…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

H\u0259kimimi \u00e7ox ist\u0259yirdim. Ona inan\u0131rd\u0131m.
Biz institutda oxuyanda f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259 d\u0259rsind\u0259 b\u00fct\u00fcn terminl\u0259rin adlar\u0131 yaln\u0131z v\u0259 yaln\u0131z q\u0259rb aliml\u0259rinin adlar\u0131 il\u0259 ba\u011fl\u0131 olurdu. Bir g\u00fcn d\u00f6zm\u0259yib qrup yolda\u015f\u0131m Sevdaya dedim:
\u2013 Nec\u0259 olur ki, f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259 bir elm kimi \u015f\u0259rqd\u0259 yaran\u0131r, bu g\u00fcn q\u0259rbd\u0259n qaynaqlanaraq \u00f6yr\u0259dilir?
H\u0259kim\u0259 inam f\u0259ls\u0259f\u0259si s\u0131rf \u015f\u0259rq t\u0259f\u0259kk\u00fcr\u00fcn\u00fcn yaratd\u0131\u011f\u0131d\u0131r. Bunun i\u00e7in\u0259 q\u0259rb n\u0259 q\u0259d\u0259r \u0259dva qat\u0131r-qats\u0131n, m\u0259n onu bir \u015f\u0259rqli kimi do\u011fma m\u0259tb\u0259xd\u0259 dodaqlar\u0131m\u0131 yalaya-yalaya qa\u015f\u0131qlay\u0131ram.
M\u0259n o gec\u0259-balam\u0131n m\u0259ni \u201cm\u0259l\u0259k\u201d etm\u0259diyi, \u00f6l\u00fcm ba\u015f\u0131m \u00fcst\u00fcnd\u0259 dayan\u0131b \u0259triyl\u0259 m\u0259ni bihu\u015f etm\u0259y\u0259 israrl\u0131 oldu\u011funu b\u00fct\u00fcn \u0259zalar\u0131mla m\u0259n\u0259 bildirdiyi gec\u0259 inanm\u0131\u015fd\u0131m ki, h\u0259kimim m\u0259ni sabaha sa\u011f \u00e7\u0131xaracaq. \u018fm\u0259liyyat stolundan palataya ged\u0259n\u0259c\u0259n h\u0259kim\u0259 q\u0131r\u0131q-q\u0131r\u0131q s\u00f6zl\u0259rl\u0259, sad\u0259c\u0259, ona inand\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 v\u0259 Tanr\u0131n\u0131n m\u0259ni h\u0259l\u0259 \u00f6ld\u00fcrm\u0259k ist\u0259m\u0259diyini demi\u015fdim. S\u0259h\u0259r a\u00e7\u0131landa onun palatan\u0131n qap\u0131s\u0131na s\u00f6yk\u0259nib m\u0259n\u0259 baxaraq a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Bax\u0131\u015flar\u0131m\u0131z toqqu\u015funca \u0259ll\u0259rini g\u00f6y\u0259 qald\u0131rm\u0131\u015fd\u0131: \u201c\u015e\u00fck\u00fcr, \u0130lahi!\u201d Sonradan bildim ki, m\u0259nim kimi qan\u0131na z\u0259h\u0259rl\u0259nm\u0259 ke\u00e7mi\u015f bir insan\u0131n sa\u011f qalmas\u0131 da m\u00f6c\u00fcz\u0259 imi\u015f. Tanr\u0131dan v\u0259 m\u0259nd\u0259n ba\u015fqa kims\u0259 bilm\u0259di ki, o gec\u0259 m\u0259n Tanr\u0131ya v\u0259 h\u0259kim\u0259 olan inam\u0131mdan yap\u0131\u015f\u0131b \u00f6l\u00fcm\u0259 qalib g\u0259lmi\u015fdim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***
Bir qad\u0131n\u0131n m\u0259l\u0259k ola bil\u0259c\u0259yinin aksiomudur ana olmaq… M\u0259n bu m\u0259l\u0259kliyi sevirdim… \u015e\u00fckranl\u0131qla sevirdim… Sevirdim!
V\u0259 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm ki, Ay\u015f\u0259b\u0259yimin d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcy\u00fc kimi \u201ch\u0259rd\u0259n s\u0259hv ed\u0259n\u201d Tanr\u0131 insanlar\u0131 sev\u0259r\u0259k yaradanda he\u00e7 vaxt s\u0259hv etmir. M\u0259hz buna g\u00f6r\u0259 biz insanlar sevginin s\u0259hv olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 Tanr\u0131dan \u00f6yr\u0259nm\u0259liyik. \u018fslind\u0259 Tanr\u0131dan \u00f6yr\u0259n\u0259c\u0259yimiz b\u00fct\u00fcn h\u0259yat\u0131m\u0131zd\u0131r. B\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259, el\u0259 biz bu \u00f6yr\u0259nm\u0259k missiyas\u0131 \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn do\u011fulmu\u015fuq?! B\u0259lk\u0259, bu s\u0259b\u0259bd\u0259ndir, n\u0259yis\u0259 bildiyimizi sananda tez-t\u0259l\u0259sik Tanr\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fcn axtar\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131xma\u011f\u0131m\u0131z. Onun yaratd\u0131qlar\u0131n\u0131n bir ovucunu g\u00f6rm\u0259y\u0259 b\u0259sir\u0259t g\u00f6z\u00fc ist\u0259m\u0259k \u0259v\u0259zin\u0259, onu yaratd\u0131qlar\u0131n\u0131n h\u0259r birind\u0259 g\u00f6r\u0259 bilm\u0259k \u0259v\u0259zin\u0259, biz d\u0259rk etm\u0259diyimiz h\u0259qiq\u0259tin axtar\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131x\u0131r\u0131q. Bu is\u0259 insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n dil\u0259g\u0259lm\u0259z faci\u0259sidir.
M\u0259nc\u0259, Tanr\u0131dan sevgini \u00f6yr\u0259nm\u0259k d\u0259 \u00e7\u0259tin deyil. Onun biz\u0259 g\u00f6nd\u0259rdiyi m\u00f6c\u00fcz\u0259l\u0259r b\u0259s edir ki, sev\u0259k\u2026 Sev\u0259 bil\u0259k\u2026 B\u00fct\u00fcn ruhumuzla v\u0259 b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcz boyu sevm\u0259yi bacaraq. M\u0259n m\u00f6c\u00fcz\u0259 dey\u0259nd\u0259 suyun g\u00fcn\u0259\u015fin yan\u0131na qalx\u0131b r\u0259qs etm\u0259sini, yaxud da ay\u0131n adam dilind\u0259 dan\u0131\u015f\u0131b rok oxumas\u0131n\u0131 n\u0259z\u0259rd\u0259 tutmuram. M\u0259n m\u00f6c\u00fcz\u0259ni g\u00f6rd\u00fcy\u00fcm kimi t\u0259svir ed\u0259r\u0259k fikrimi anlatsam, daha yax\u015f\u0131 olar.
Bir d\u0259f\u0259 s\u0259h\u0259r tezd\u0259n i\u015f\u0259 gedirdim. Hava alaqaranl\u0131q oldu\u011fundan anam m\u0259ni \u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcrd\u00fc. \u0130\u015f\u0259 \u00e7atma\u011f\u0131ma bir ne\u00e7\u0259 k\u00fc\u00e7\u0259 qalanda t\u0259sad\u00fcf\u0259n dilimd\u0259n \u00e7\u0131xan s\u00f6zl\u0259r\u0259 sonra \u00f6z\u00fcm pe\u015fman oldum:
\u2013 He\u00e7 olmasa, birc\u0259 manat pulum olsayd\u0131, bir ne\u00e7\u0259 g\u00fcn ax\u015famlar avtobus pulu ver\u0259rdim. Ax\u015fam \u00e7ox yoruluram, piyada g\u0259l\u0259mmir\u0259m.
Dedikl\u0259rim anam\u0131n \u00fcz\u00fcnd\u0259ki q\u0131r\u0131\u015flar\u0131 aln\u0131na toplam\u0131\u015fd\u0131. G\u00f6zl\u0259rini u\u00e7urumun dibin\u0259 it\u0259l\u0259mi\u015fdi. Dizl\u0259rind\u0259n \u00f6m\u00fcrd\u0259n b\u00f6y\u00fck y\u00fck asm\u0131\u015fd\u0131. \u018fll\u0259rini m\u0259nim paltomun qolundan \u00e7\u0259kib \u00e7\u0259n\u0259sin\u0259 dayam\u0131\u015fd\u0131\u2026 \u0130\u00e7imd\u0259ki pe\u015fmanl\u0131q anam\u0131n bu k\u0259d\u0259rinin bir damc\u0131s\u0131na da d\u0259ym\u0259zdi. \u00d6z\u00fcm-\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc danlama\u011fa c\u0259sar\u0259tim \u00e7atm\u0131rd\u0131. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sallay\u0131b add\u0131mlar\u0131m\u0131 yeyinl\u0259tmi\u015fdim. Anam m\u0259n\u0259 \u00e7atmaq \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcn var-g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fc toplam\u0131\u015fd\u0131, b\u0259lk\u0259 d\u0259. \u0130\u015f yerim\u0259 \u00e7ata\u00e7atda ikimiz d\u0259 dayand\u0131q. M\u0259ni dayand\u0131ran yolun k\u0259nar\u0131nda b\u00fck\u00fcl\u00fc halda duran bir manat pul idi. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 qald\u0131r\u0131b anam\u0131n \u00fcz\u00fcn\u0259 bax\u0131nca onun da eyni s\u0259b\u0259bd\u0259n ayaq saxlad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anlad\u0131m. Bir manat \u0259sl m\u00f6c\u00fcz\u0259 idi\u2026 M\u00f6c\u00fcz\u0259 bu idi!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“G\u0259nc \u018fdibl\u0259r M\u0259kt\u0259bi”nin m\u00fcdavimi, Az\u0259rbaycan Yaz\u0131\u00e7\u0131lar Birliyi G\u0259ncl\u0259r \u015euras\u0131n\u0131n v\u0259 Az\u0259rbaycan Jurnalistl\u0259r Birliyinin \u00fczv\u00fc, Az\u0259rbaycan\u0131n M\u0259d\u0259niyy\u0259t v\u0259 \u018fd\u0259biyyat Portal\u0131n\u0131n Ba\u015f m\u0259sl\u0259h\u0259t\u00e7isi, Prezident t\u0259qa\u00fcd\u00e7\u00fcs\u00fc, G\u0259ncl\u0259r m\u00fcfakat\u00e7\u0131s\u0131 (povest) I hiss\u0259\u2026 \u00d6z\u00fcm\u2026 \u2013 \u0130nsanlar i\u00e7ind\u0259 yalq\u0131zam. Geriy\u0259 d\u00f6n\u0259 bil\u0259c\u0259yim q\u0259d\u0259r ir\u0259li getm\u0259mi\u015f\u0259m \u00e7\u00fcnki\u2026 El\u0259 bir yerd\u0259y\u0259m ki, daha m\u0259n\u0259 \u201ch\u0259yat\u0131 bel\u0259 ya\u015famazlar\u201d \u2013 dey\u0259n yoxdur. Art\u0131q \u00e7ox adam […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-35148","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-edeb"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35148","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=35148"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35148\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":35158,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35148\/revisions\/35158"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=35148"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=35148"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/edebiyyat-az.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=35148"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}